20/06/2026
OVER-UNDERSTANDING IS EXHAUSTING
For much of my life, I was what I now call an āover-understander.ā
I could always see the deeper story. The wound behind the behaviour. The pain beneath the anger. The reasons someone acted the way they did.
I genuinely believed this made me kind, compassionate and understanding.
But what I eventually realised was that I was often extending that compassion to everyone except myself.
I spent so much time trying to understand their behaviour that I ignored the impact it was having on me. I made excuses. I gave endless chances. I convinced myself that if I could just understand their āwhyā a little better, things would improve.
Sometimes they did.
Often they didnāt.
And while I was busy trying to make sense of them, I was slowly abandoning myself.
By the time I noticed I was exhausted, emotionally depleted, resentful, overwhelmed, or physically unwell, my nervous system had often been sounding the alarm for quite some time.
As a counsellor now, I see this pattern regularly.
It often shows up in deeply caring people. The deep feelers. The Empaths. The Highly Sensitive People. The helpers. The fixers. The people who love fiercely and stay loyal long after it has become painful to do so.
Many of us instinctively know there is more to someoneās story.
And often weāre right.
Most behaviour does come from somewhere.
Pain. Trauma. Fear. Shame. Loss. Conditioning.
Understanding that can be incredibly valuable.
But understanding someone is not the same as accepting behaviour that repeatedly harms you.
Compassion does not require self-sacrifice.
Empathy does not require self-abandonment.
And kindness does not mean tolerating what is unhealthy for your mind, body, nervous system, or soul.
What Iāve learned is that there is no fixed line.
The boundaries we hold in relationships can look different with friends, family, partners, colleagues and community members.
Thatās what makes this work so challenging.
The goal isnāt to stop caring.
The goal is to care about yourself as much as you care about everyone else.
These days I still catch myself slipping into old patterns.
The difference is that I notice it sooner.
I have better tools.
I seek support when I need it.
I practise self-compassion instead of self-criticism.
And I remind myself that my responsibility is not to endlessly decode other peopleās behaviour.
My responsibility is to take care of me.
If this resonates with you, perhaps itās worth asking yourself:
Where am I giving understanding to others that I am not giving to myself?
šæ If youāre finding it difficult to balance compassion for others with compassion for yourself, support is available.
I offer counselling and coaching sessions online across Australia and internationally, as well as Outdoor Walk/Sit & Talk sessions here in the beautiful Huon Valley, Tasmania.
https://www.counsellingwellbeingandconnection.com.au/
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