10/14/2024
🚨 Trigger Warning - Domestic Violence
If you’ve never been the victim of domestic violence I am so so happy for you ♥️ If you have been then I’m so sorry you had to endure that ♥️ If you’re in a DV situation right now I am here for you. Emotional, Financial & Mental abuse are abuse. I see you. I believe you.
If you struggle to understand the difference between physical and other abuse please read this. Please educate yourself. If you think women can ‘just leave if they want’ please read this.
Most importantly, if you’ve never experienced it or seen it happen to someone you love please don’t ridicule or judge the situation.
Little bit about 'maid' ⚠️ trigger warning ⚠️
While the Netflix series took some creative licenses, I found the producers still did an exceptional job portraying a world that is often misunderstood and riddled with false assumptions and harsh judgments — despite the numbers that tell us that 1 in 4 women are victims of DV and murder by an intimate partner.
Here are some of the best lessons we can learn from “Maid.”
1. One of the most impressionable scenes comes five minutes into the series. Alex flees from her abusive partner, Sean, in the middle of the night and finds herself at a social services office. While inquiring about her situation, the social worker asks, “Do you want to file a police report?” Alex replies, “And say what…that he didn’t hit me?” Contrary to popular belief, DV situations are not easily solved with a call to the police. There are limits to what law-enforcement can do, and even if an abuser is arrested after a confrontation, they can easily post bail and be out again the next day.
2. Abusive parents are often given parental time. Throughout the series we see Alex fight for custody over her daughter, but her resources are very limited. Without the money for an attorney she must represent herself. Without a police record on file she cannot plead abuse within the court. One of the most heartbreaking things I witness as a DV advocate is when women who had to literally flee for their life are now forced to give their children over to their abuser for regular parenting time.
3. Despite its prevalence and life-saving value, the use of government assistance to survive is still engulfed with negative stigmas. Following her escape, Alex finds herself relying on seven different forms of government assistance just to avoid being homeless. Clerks at the cash register roll their eyes in disrespect and purposely demean and shame her when she uses her SNAPS assistance. Fellow patrons behind her in line yell out, “You’re welcome!!” as she leaves the store. There is also an assumption that because someone is poor they must be dirty and uneducated. When Alex begins her first cleaning job the wealthy home-owner asks Alex if she can read.
4. Most women who are victims of DV struggle to leave their abuser, and those who do leave often find their way back multiple times before leaving for good. “It takes most women seven tries before they finally leave,” an advocate at the DV shelter explains to Alex. It’s normal for a victim to begin to miss their intimate partner and to focus on “the good times,“ believing that their abuser is really a good person on the inside. Abusers also use manipulative tactics such as gaslighting to make a victim believe THEY are the problem.
5. Receiving government assistance is not an easy process, but rather it is a maze composed of red tape and it is utterly exhausting. While Alex is trying to apply for a subsidized housing grant she is told she needs proof of a paycheck first. When she explains that she needs day-care in order to interview for jobs, she is told that there are subsidized grants for day-care as well, but again, she must show proof of a paycheck, first. In bewilderment she says, “I need a job to prove that I need day-care in order to get a job?” Later when she attempts to find an apartment, she is repeatedly turned away from tenants who refuse to accept TEBRA vouchers. She even found red tape at her new cleaning job, when she was told she couldn’t work more than 30 hours a week because anything over that would entitle her to work benefits.
6. Emotional abuse IS considered domestic violence. Throughout the series we see Alex being emotionally, financially, verbally, and mentally abused, and yet, because she wasn’t physically hit, she repeatedly states “I’m not being abused.” The DV shelter she takes refuge in, however, helps her see that you don’t have to be hit in order to be abused. It’s important to note though, that emotional violence often escalates. Another victim at the shelter explains, “Before they bite, they bark. Before they hit you, they hit near you.” What begins as emotional abuse will often lead to physical abuse in time. And by then, it may be too late.
7. Abusers often turn the couple’s family and friends against the true victim of abuse, and instead portray themselves as a “victim.” We see this play out as Alex’s friends begin to mention what a rough time Sean is going through since Alex left. Even Alex’s own family refuses to acknowledge the abuse she has endured. This loss and betrayal is unfortunately all too common for DV victims.
8. In one of the latter episodes we see Alex go back to live with Sean and we witness firsthand what a freeze/fawn response looks like. Alex begins to dissociate. It appears she has finally succumb to her abuse. Sean cuts her off from the rest of the world, getting rid of her vehicle, shutting off her phone, and refusing to let her talk to anyone. She is isolated. She is beaten down. She is completely emotionally numb. This, my friends, is a survival tactic. A victim of abuse may become unresponsive to their surroundings as their body attempts to survive in life-threatening circumstances.
9. Therapy can give a voice back to a survivor. Toward the end of the series we see Alex able to verbalize her experience with clear understanding for the first time, stating, “I have PTSD.” In going to group therapy provided by the DV shelter she becomes trauma informed. She gains knowledge and knowledge can be an incredibly freeing and powerful tool.
While the story portrayed in “Maid” appears to be extreme and rare, unfortunately, the reality is that DV is far more common than most realize. According to the CDC, “About 1 in 4 women have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime.”
These women are all around you. They live next-door to you, sit in the church pew beside you, and attend your family holiday gatherings. We must not become blind to them. We cannot let the stigmas surrounding DV and poverty prevent us from doing whatever we can to help. They need our support, compassion, and practical aid. Learn to see the signs. Become trauma informed. Know how to give the best assistance. Become their advocate.
Domestic violence is all around you. How will you respond?
