17/03/2023
Mum’s friend is very nice.
Mum’s friend is so very nice that sometimes Mum worries about her.
Mum doesn’t have this particular problem as she isn’t that nice. She isn’t nice at all.
Mum’s friend has got herself into trouble…
No not that sort of trouble…possibly worse even than that though.
It’s because Mum’s friend can’t say the word ‘no’. She’s just too nice to her darling crotchfruit.
Mum’s friend is welcoming a French exchange student into her home.
Mum’s friend is welcoming a TEENAGE French, exchange student into her home this very week and the French teen is staying for a whole week .
‘You are fu***ng joking. Why would you do that?’ Was Mums very reasonable response.
Many local tradesmen have profited from Mum’s friend’s business prior to the visit from the young French dignitary.
Mum’s friend has had to sort the playroom out and turn it into a double bedroom. The plumber has moved a radiator, the decorator has made good and new cupboards have been installed in the countdown to the French invasion.
‘HAW-HE-HAW’ quipped Mum thinking herself fu***ng hilarious.
‘To be honest, I’m a bit nervous about how they’ll get on’ said Mum’s friend seriously.
‘They’ll have a fu***ng ball. They’re teenagers. French teenagers can’t be that different from British ones surely?’ Asked Mum.
‘And I’m not sure what to cook’ said Mum’s friend. ‘What do French teenagers eat?’
‘Bienvenue chez nous. J'ai fait du pâté de viande de cheval avec des cuisses de grenouilles pour le pudding.’ Said Mum.
‘I didn’t know that you spoke French…what does that mean?’
‘Welcome to our home. I have made horse meat pate with frogs legs for pudding’
Mum’s friend was aghast.
‘But I think that these French students are quite posh. Very well heeled…they come from a really nice area’
‘Look all teenagers are the same’ explains Mum. ‘The posh French teens will be the same as the sk**ky British ones.’ Said Mum before adding;
‘Plus you’re very middle class and nice’
‘Aujourd'hui, nous allons nous couvrir de faux bronzage et aller au magasin louche où nous allons acheter de la vodka. Voulez-vous des vapes aux myrtilles ou un nuage de baies?’ Says Mum who never really excelled at French but who is really enjoying Google Translate.
‘Eh?’ Says her friend.
‘Today we will smother ourselves in fake tan and go to the dodgy shop where we will buy vodka. Do you want blueberry vapes or berry cloud?’
‘Stop it’ says the friend.
But Mum is enjoying Google translate and her friends misfortune so much that she has kept sending her French phrases so that she can keep the Maman et Papa up to date on WhatsApp.
Bonjour Maman et Papa,
Malheureusement, votre voyant a contracté une maladie sexuellement transmissible. S'il vous plaît ne vous inquiétez pas. Nous l'avons emmenée dans une clinique et elle a de la lotion.
Hello,
Unfortunately your daughter has contracted a sexually transmitted disease. Please don't be alarmed. We have taken her to a clinic and she has lotion.
Bonne soirée,
Veuillez demander si votre fille est allergique à la viande de cheval ou aux cuisses de grenouilles car elle a vomi sur le mur.
Good evening,
Please may we ask if your daughter is allergic to horse meat or frogs legs as she has vomited up the wall.
Nous ne savions pas que votre fille ne boit qu'un petit verre de vin au dîner. Comment étions-nous censés savoir qu'elle n'a pas le droit de boire de la vodka polonaise à la bouteille dans le parc?
We weren't aware that your daughter only drinks a small glass of wine with dinner. How were we supposed to know that she isn't allowed to drink Polish Vodka from the bottle in the park?
Bonne santé
Cin cin and your good health to any of you who are about to or have ever hosted. X
