Holden Therapy

01/09/2026

Coercive control doesn’t only control your behaviour. It can change your relationship with yourself.

In therapy, we often see how coercive control gradually erodes autonomy, confidence and trust in your own judgement.

You begin to think:

“Will they be angry?”
“Am I allowed to do this?”
“Maybe I’m overreacting.”
“It’s easier to keep the peace.”

Over time, surviving the relationship can become more important than asking what you actually want.

This is one reason people can feel trapped in toxic relationships.

It isn’t always about lacking the strength to leave.

Trauma can make choice feel unsafe.

The nervous system learns to monitor moods, avoid conflict and prioritise survival. What looks like “staying” from the outside may involve fear, conditioning, isolation and a deeply diminished sense of agency.

Therapy can help rebuild that agency.

The goal isn’t to become who you were before the abuse.
It’s to become free to be who you are now.

01/09/2026

Transactional Analysis (TA) is a psychological approach that looks at how we think, feel and communicate, particularly through three ego states:
Parent – learned rules, beliefs and messages from others.
Adult – calm, rational, present-focused thinking.
Child – emotional reactions and patterns we developed earlier in life.

The “trapdoor” is a useful metaphor for when something in the present triggers an old emotional pattern, causing us to suddenly move from our Adult state into a Child response.

🚪 The Trapdoor in Your Brain…

Ever had a moment where someone says something completely ordinary…

“Can we have a chat?”

…and suddenly your nervous system goes:

🚨 WE ARE UNDER ATTACK. ABANDON SHIP. EVERYONE PANIC. 🚨

Welcome to the TA trapdoor.

Sometimes something happening today accidentally presses an emotional button connected to something that happened years ago.

You might suddenly feel:
😡 Really angry
😢 Weirdly upset
😰 Anxious or frightened
🫣 Ashamed
🧒 Much younger than you actually are
🏃 Like you need to fight, flee, freeze or please

The interesting bit?

The situation happening NOW might not fully explain the size of your reaction.

🕳️ So… where did the trapdoor take you?

Next time you have a reaction that feels bigger than the situation, pause and ask yourself:

1. What actually happened?
Stick to the facts.

2. What did I immediately tell myself it meant?
“I'm not good enough.”
“They're going to leave.”
“I've done something wrong.”
“They don't respect me.”

3. How old do I feel right now?

4. Does this feeling remind me of anything from my past?

5. What would my calm, grown-up Adult self say about this situation?

You don't have to solve your entire childhood while standing in the supermarket aisle.

Start by noticing:

“Ah… my trapdoor has opened.”

That little moment of awareness can give you a choice about what happens next.

🧠 Reflective question:
What tends to open YOUR trapdoor — criticism, rejection, being ignored, feeling controlled, conflict, disappointment… or something else?

You might be surprised by what you discover.

28/08/2026

THE “MAN BOX”

What if some of the things we call “masculinity” are actually rules we learned?

The Man Box is a concept describing the narrow expectations society can place on men:

• Be strong.
• Don’t cry.
• Don’t show fear.
• Provide.
• Be in control.
• Don’t ask for help.
• Be tough.
• Never look weak.
• Sort your problems yourself.
• “Man up.”

Over time, these messages can become an internal rulebook.

And when a man steps outside the box, he may fear being judged, rejected, ridiculed or seen as less masculine.

So what happens emotionally?

Feelings can get pushed down rather than processed.

Sadness becomes anger.
Fear becomes control.
Vulnerability becomes withdrawal.
Shame becomes defensiveness.
Loneliness becomes silence.

The problem isn’t having strength.

The problem is believing you’re only allowed to be strong.

Healthy masculinity can include strength and vulnerability.
Confidence and uncertainty.
Independence and asking for help.
Courage and admitting you’re struggling.

Therapy can be a place to ask:

“Which rules am I living by—and did I choose them?”

You don't have to destroy the box.

You can learn that you have permission to step outside it.

28/08/2026

Sit with the emotion. Don’t run from it.

When a difficult emotion shows up, pause before trying to push it away.

Ask yourself:

Where do I feel it in my body?
My chest? Stomach? Throat? Head? Shoulders?

What does it feel like?
Tight? Heavy? Hot? Cold? Numb? Tingling? A knot?

How strong is it?
Rate it from 0–10.

What emotion is underneath it?
Anger? Fear? Sadness? Shame? Rejection? Grief?

What is this emotion trying to tell me?
What happened? What did I need? What feels threatened or hurt?

Then breathe and allow yourself to notice it without judging it or immediately trying to make it disappear.

Emotions are not instructions.
They are information.

When we learn to notice, name and tolerate what we feel, we create space between the emotion and our reaction.

And in that space, we can begin to process it rather than carry it.

You don’t have to fight the feeling to move through it.

21/08/2026

21/08/2026

🌱 What Seeds Were Planted in You?

Every relationship we experience can plant seeds.

Some are planted through love, encouragement and safety.

Others can be planted through criticism, rejection, control, neglect, manipulation or toxic relationships.

Over time, those seeds can become beliefs about who we are:

🌱 I’m not good enough.
🌱 My feelings don’t matter.
🌱 I’m too much.
🌱 I have to keep everyone happy.
🌱 I can’t trust myself.
🌱 I’m difficult to love.
🌱 I have to change who I am to be accepted.
🌱 My needs come last.

When these beliefs take root, they can affect our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

We may stop speaking up.
We may lose confidence in our decisions.
We may become afraid of disappointing others.
We may struggle to trust ourselves.
We may avoid relationships or stay in unhealthy ones.
We may slowly lose sight of the person we were before the relationship.

Sometimes, we don't lose ourselves all at once.

We adapt.

We become who we need to be to survive, cope, belong or keep the peace.

And eventually, those adaptations can feel like our identity.

🌱 But old seeds can be challenged.

A thought is not automatically a fact simply because we've carried it for years.

Ask yourself:

What belief was planted in me?

Where did it come from?

Does it still serve me today?

What would I rather believe about myself?

You can begin planting new seeds:

🌿 I am worthy.
🌿 My feelings matter.
🌿 I can trust myself.
🌿 My needs are important too.
🌿 I am allowed to have boundaries.
🌿 I don't have to earn love by losing myself.
🌿 I am allowed to discover who I am.
🌿 I am enough as I am.

Change happens through repeatedly challenging the old thought and practising the new one.

Old seed → thought → feeling → behaviour

🌱 “I’m not good enough.”
↓
💭 “People will eventually leave me.”
↓
💔 Fear, anxiety, shame
↓
🚪 Withdraw, people-please, avoid, or accept less than you deserve

Now try:

🌿 “I am worthy and capable.”
↓
💭 “I can take my time and choose relationships that feel safe and healthy.”
↓
❤️ Confidence, hope, self-trust
↓
🌱 Set boundaries, communicate needs, stay connected to yourself

You may not be able to change what was planted in the past.

You can choose what you nurture today.

And sometimes healing means discovering that the person you thought you'd lost was still there underneath everything you had to become.

🌱 It’s never too late to grow something new.

12/08/2026

Who gets to decide who you are?

The Johari Window reminds us that there are parts of ourselves that are known to us, parts others may see that we don't, and parts we are still discovering.

Sometimes we can become trapped by other people's opinions, expectations or assumptions and slowly lose sight of our own voice.

But other people's perceptions are not the definition of who we are.

You have the power to pause and ask:

What do I know about myself?
What am I assuming?
Whose opinion am I carrying?
What evidence do I have?
What do I actually want?

Being authentic doesn't mean everyone will understand or agree with your choices.

It means making choices that are aligned with your values, your needs and the person you want to be.

You don't have to have every answer. Some parts of yourself are discovered through making different choices, trying new things and allowing yourself to grow.

You are allowed to know yourself, question what you've been told about yourself, and choose who you want to become.

08/08/2026

When Guilt Keeps Us Stuck 🔒

Guilt can be a useful emotion.

It can tell us when we have done something that doesn't fit with who we want to be. It can encourage us to take responsibility, apologise and make changes.

But guilt can also keep us stuck.

Especially in unhealthy relationships and unhealthy dynamics.

Sometimes we feel responsible for things that aren't actually ours to carry.

We feel guilty for saying no. 😕

Guilty for setting boundaries.

Guilty for putting our own needs first.

Guilty because someone else is upset with us.

Guilty because we think we should be able to "fix" things. 🦸‍♂️

And this is where the Drama Triangle can become very familiar. 🔺️

We step into the Rescuer role because we feel guilty.

We keep helping.

We keep explaining.

We keep giving chances.

We keep trying to make everything okay.

Then we become exhausted and resentful. 😫

Eventually, we may move into Persecutor.

Then the other person becomes the Victim.

And around we go.

Same relationship.
Same pattern.
Different day.

Guilt can be the thing that keeps us getting back on the triangle.

We think: 🤔

"If I leave, I'll hurt them."

"If I say no, they'll think I'm selfish."

"Maybe I haven't tried hard enough."

"Maybe I should give them another chance."

"What if this is all my fault?"

But there is a really important question we can ask ourselves:

"What is actually mine to take responsibility for?"

Your behaviour is yours.

Your choices are yours.

Your boundaries are yours.

Your feelings are yours.

Someone else's reaction belongs to them.

Someone else's choices belong to them.

Someone else's healing belongs to them.

This doesn't mean we stop caring.

It means we stop confusing caring with carrying.

You can care about someone without rescuing them.

You can understand someone's pain without taking responsibility for it.

You can apologise for your part without accepting blame for everything.

You can love someone and still recognise that the dynamic between you isn't healthy.

And sometimes stepping off the Drama Triangle feels uncomfortable because guilt tells us:

"You're letting them down."

Healthy boundaries may tell us:

"You're no longer letting yourself down."

That can feel very different.

And perhaps the goal isn't to become someone who never feels guilty.

Perhaps it's learning to pause when guilt appears and ask:

"Is this guilt telling me I have done something wrong, or is it telling me I am doing something different?"

Because sometimes guilt isn't a sign that you're making the wrong choice.

Sometimes it's simply the uncomfortable feeling that comes with making a healthier one.

08/08/2026

🌱 WHEN WE LOSE OURSELVES

Sometimes life experiences can leave us feeling disconnected from who we once were.

Childhood trauma.
Abusive relationships.
Grief and loss.
Major life changes.

Along the way, parts of our identity can become hidden — our confidence, our voice, our interests, our hopes, our sense of worth and even our understanding of who we are.

We can become focused on surviving rather than living.

🧩 Therapy can help us find those missing pieces.

Together, we can explore:

• Who were you before you had to survive?
• What parts of you became quiet or disappeared?
• What matters to you now?
• What do you want your life to stand for?
• What would you like your future to look like?

Therapy isn't about going back to who you were.

It can be about discovering who you are now — with greater self-awareness, confidence and choice.

🌿 Finding a new sense of identity, purpose and direction can create meaningful changes in how we experience ourselves and our lives.

When we begin to feel connected to ourselves again, we may also experience improvements in mood, anxiety, self-worth, relationships and overall wellbeing.

You haven't necessarily lost yourself.

Sometimes, you've been carrying experiences that made it difficult to find yourself.

Therapy can help you begin looking again.

08/08/2026

🧠 BRAINSPOTTING: THE WORK CONTINUES AFTER THE SESSION

During Brainspotting, we focus our attention on a specific point in our visual field while staying connected with emotions, memories or body sensations.

This can help bring together the brain, body, emotions and memory, allowing the nervous system to process experiences that may have felt overwhelming or unresolved.

🌱 And the work doesn't necessarily stop when the session ends.

Your brain continues to process, integrate and make sense of what has been explored. You may notice new thoughts, emotions, memories, dreams, physical sensations or insights afterwards.

🧠 THE SUBCORTEX & THE PAST

The subcortical parts of the brain are deeply involved in emotional memories, threat detection and survival responses.

They don't process time in the same way our conscious, thinking brain does. A past experience can therefore trigger a present-day emotional or physical response, even when we consciously know that we are safe now.

Your brain may respond as though:

“This feels familiar, so I need to protect myself.”

Brainspotting can create an opportunity to notice these responses, stay present with them and allow new information and experiences of safety to become part of the brain's learning.

🌿 THE BRAIN CAN CHANGE

Through neuroplasticity, the brain can learn, adapt and develop new patterns.

Safety → awareness → processing → integration → new learning

Healing doesn't mean forgetting what happened.

It means helping the brain recognise:

“That happened then.
I am here now.
I have more choices now.”

Over time, new experiences can create new pathways, new perspectives and new ways of responding.