05/06/2026
Blog 5- Looking beyond resilience: Every behaviour is communication
When “be more resilient” ignores reality:
Resilience is often used to praise our neurodivergent young people for coping with environments that aren’t designed for them. When a young person can’t attend school, professionals often tell them they “must be more resilient” when they’re being resilient just waking up in the morning! When I was at school this phrase was said to me personally and it would make me feel as though I wasn’t trying hard enough. In reality I was fighting every single day to open my eyes and just get out of bed. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t complete “basic” hygiene tasks and it made me feel like a failure. Every piece of my resilience was used up before I had even got out of bed in the morning, I had nothing else to give. I could not physically attend school however school would dismiss my feelings and tell me I just had to be more resilient and try harder instead of looking into why I couldn’t access school and what things they could put in place to support me.
The hidden cost of praising resilience:
Often, when our young people manage to get into school, they are praised for being resilient. While yes, in an aspect they have been resilient, they have pushed themselves closer to burnout and they’re in survival mode. Resilience has framed young people surviving as a positive trait and dismisses unmet needs. Yes, they pushed through and got into school, ignoring all of their needs and masking. To a school or someone who doesn’t understand, perhaps that does look like resilience. However what you don’t see is that, the young person is being forced closer and closer to a mental health crisis and that’s if they’re not already at that point. This normalises young people struggling and doesn’t provoke change which can be damaging to young people for the rest of their lives!
Stop mistaking compliance as resilience:
Resilience is also often used in professional settings when young people aren’t following the rules, social norms or are being disruptive. Young people are often encouraged to sit still, not shout out, not tap their pen, not walk out of class among other things and the word ‘resilience’ is used in order to convince the young people to comply. This is not resilience. What you will be encouraging is masking and the suppression of a young persons needs over the young persons well-being. This is damaging. This is rewarding a young person for staying quiet about distress. Do you understand the damage that does? If you’re encouraging children to stay quiet about distress and rewarding when they do so, how easily do you think our young people can be encouraged into crime and vulnerable situations without speaking up. It may not seem this important to you as a professional but many young people and parents are living this.
Blame the system, not the young person:
Telling a young person to be resilient places the blame on the young person instead of the system that is failing them. It allows schools and professional settings to overlook the young person’s needs and tell the young person that they are the problem instead of adapting the environment to meet the young person’s sensory, emotional and structural needs. You act like you are “character building” but you are destroying a young person’s character. You’re squeezing neurodivergent young people into a box and reinforcing neurotypical social norms which again makes neurodivergent young people feel they don’t belong, that they’re the problem as well as causing poor mental health. A young person’s “lack of resilience” is a lack of support however instead you frame it as a lack of strength. This is damaging.
What neurodivergent young people actually need:
So what do neurodivergent individuals need? The majority of the time it really isn’t much. We need some acceptance to be ourselves and not be forced to fit into a neurotypical world that we know we will never fit into. We need adults and professionals who can adapt their expectations of us rather than demanding that we comply to expectations that suppress our neurodivergence. We need a trusted professional, preferably every professional in the environment to allow us to feel like we can express our needs without being judged and dismissed. Lastly, we need you to think “why is this happening? What can we do to help make this individual feel safe? How can this individual’s needs be met?” instead of seeing us as a problem that needs to be punished.
Replace “resilience” with curiosity:
So what can professionals say to help neurodivergent individuals?
The first thing I’d say is to replace the word “resilience” with curiosity. What needs aren’t being met in that moment? Every behaviour is a form of communication.
Think about how you can change the environment in order to meet the young person’s needs instead of setting behavioural expectations that the young person can only reach by masking.
Make the young person feel listened to and validate their distress. The worst thing you can do is minimise our distress. You instantly become an unsafe person in our brains.
Call to action:
If this blog has made you feel uncomfortable, take a moment to reflect on why.
Ask yourself:
- Have I ever praised a young person for coping while I ignored their distress?
- Have I interpreted a young person masking as a success story?
- Have I expected a young person to be resilient instead of offering support?
- Have I ever viewed a young person’s behaviour as a problem rather than a form of communication?
The goal should never be to produce resilient young people at the cost of their mental health. The goal should be to create environments where young people’s needs are met and resilience isn’t required to get through their day.
If you are a professional and are unsure how to support young people in your setting, Super Sen CIC runs training from the perspective of neurodivergent individuals. Enquire at [email protected] and make a positive difference to society!
The video below is of my voice reading this out.
