03/08/2026
Most arguments are not really about the thing they appear to be about.
Underneath the disagreement about the decision, the plan, the words that were said, there is usually something older. A need to be seen as competent. To not be made to feel small. To have the version of events that makes sense of who you are.
Being right becomes a way of staying intact.
Chan teaching notices this without judgement. The one who needs to win the argument is protecting something. It is worth asking what. Not to dissolve the argument. To see what is underneath it.
Taoist understanding points to water. It does not argue with the rock. It finds the way around. Not because it is weak. Because it is not invested in the rock being wrong.
Vajrayana practice is precise here. The rigidity that needs to be right is itself a form of suffering. Not a moral failing. A contraction. And awareness can hold even that contraction without becoming it.
The position is real. And something beneath the position is already at ease.
If you want to work with this directly, I offer one-to-one sessions and group classes. Link in bio.
