Matthew Bartolo

10/06/2026

Discussing staying with the pain, and darkness with Melanie Kelly
Full episode here:

What happens when the distractions stop?In this episode of POV, M...

10/06/2026

The Father Wound Most Men Don't Know They Have

How does your relationship with your father shape your life?

Before you read any further, answer this question honestly.

When was the last time you thought about your relationship with your father?

For many men, the answer is simple.
Never, or at least not seriously. Many men can spend decades discussing careers, relationships, fitness, money, politics, business, football, and s*x without ever exploring one of the most influential relationships of their lives. The relationship they had with their father, or perhaps the relationship they never had.

The reality is that your father may still be shaping your life long after you stopped living under his roof and many men have no idea.

When I work with men, there is one question that often creates a pause.

"Tell me about your father.". The response is often immediate.
"He was a good man."
"He worked hard."
"He provided for us."
"He did his best."

Then I ask a second question.
"Did you feel emotionally close to him?"
This is where things become more complicated.

Research consistently shows that fathers play a crucial role in the emotional, social, and psychological development of children. Studies have linked secure father-child relationships with higher self-esteem, better emotional regulation, healthier relationships, and greater psychological wellbeing later in life.

The absence of conflict does not automatically mean the presence of connection. A father can be physically present but emotionally unavailable. A father can provide financially while remaining emotionally distant. A father can be admired but not truly known.

Many men grew up with fathers who genuinely loved them but rarely expressed it. Not because they didn't care but because they had often been raised the same way.

For generations, many men were taught that their primary responsibility was to provide, protect, and endure. Emotional vulnerability was rarely encouraged. As a result, many fathers became experts at sacrifice and strangers to emotional intimacy.

Their sons learned from them. Not through words, through observation. Boys learn what it means to be a man by watching men. If your father never spoke about fear, sadness, loneliness, insecurity, or emotional pain, what did you learn?

Perhaps you learned to keep those feelings to yourself. Perhaps you learned that strength means silence. Perhaps you learned that asking for help is weakness. Perhaps you learned that your value comes from performance rather than connection.

The father wound rarely announces itself. It appears quietly, in the man who feels uncomfortable receiving affection. In the man who constantly seeks approval. In the man who cannot tolerate failure. In the man who works himself into exhaustion. In the man who struggles to trust others. In the man who feels emotionally disconnected from his partner. In the man who never feels good enough, no matter how much he achieves.

Many men spend years trying to solve these problems without realising they may be connected to wounds that began decades earlier. Not because their father was abusive. Not because their father was a bad man but because something important was missing. The Approval Some Men Never Stop Chasing

One of the most common themes I encounter is the pursuit of approval. Some men are still trying to earn praise from fathers who died years ago. Others are chasing achievements, status, wealth, promotions, muscles, qualifications, or success in an unconscious attempt to hear words they rarely heard growing up.

"I'm proud of you."

Research on attachment and self-worth suggests that early parental relationships play a significant role in shaping how individuals view themselves and their worthiness of love, acceptance, and belonging. When validation is scarce during childhood, some people spend adulthood trying to collect enough of it to finally feel worthy.

The problem is that external validation is never enough. No promotion can heal a wound that requires acceptance. No salary can replace connection. No achievement can fully compensate for unmet emotional needs.

This is where many people become defensive. Understanding your relationship with your father is not about blaming him. In fact, many fathers were carrying wounds of their own. Many were doing the best they could with the tools they had available. The goal is not to judge. The goal is to understand because we cannot change what we refuse to examine.

If you really want to understand yourself, ask: What did I learn about being a man from my father? What did I learn about emotions? What did I learn about love? What did I learn about success? What did I learn about failure? What did I learn about vulnerability? And perhaps the most important question of all:
What am I still carrying that no longer serves me?

The answer may explain more about your relationships, your mental health, your ambitions, and your insecurities than you realise, because the father wound is not always about what happened. Sometimes it is about what never happened. The conversations that never took place. The affection that was never expressed. The reassurance that was never given. The connection that was never built. And until we understand those experiences, they often continue shaping our lives from the shadows.

Whether we realise it or not.

Of course, if you're a father yourself, you are responsible to change this...

09/06/2026

The Conversations Men Are Afraid to Have About Abortion

Abortion is one of the most emotionally charged topics in modern society, especially in Malta.

Conversations about it often focus on ethics, law, religion, politics, healthcare, and women's rights. Given that women carry the pregnancy and undergo the procedure, this focus is understandable. Yet there is another conversation that rarely takes place.

What happens to the men involved?

Not politically. Not legally. But Psychologically.

The answer is more complicated than many people realise.

Many men feel they have no right to discuss their emotional response to an abortion.

Some fear appearing selfish. Some fear being misunderstood. Some fear that expressing sadness will be interpreted as a criticism of the woman's decision. Others simply tell themselves that their feelings do not matter.

As a result, many remain silent.

Research suggests that men's emotional responses to abortion vary significantly. Some report relief. Some report acceptance. Some report little emotional impact at all.

Others experience grief, guilt, regret, sadness, helplessness, anger, confusion, or a sense of loss.

The important point is that there is no single male experience. Yet the experiences that involve emotional distress often remain hidden.

One of the strongest emotions reported by some men following an abortion is helplessness. A man may want the pregnancy to continue. He may want the pregnancy to end. He may be unsure what he wants. Regardless of his position, he may find himself facing a situation in which the final decision does not belong to him.

That reality can create complex emotions. A man can fully support a woman's right to make decisions about her own body and still experience grief, disappointment, sadness, or loss. These are not contradictory positions. Human emotions rarely fit neatly into political categories.

Society tends to recognise grief when there is a funeral, a public loss, or a clear ending. Abortion often creates a different type of grief.

Psychologists sometimes refer to this as disenfranchised grief, a form of grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially supported, or publicly validated.

For some men, there is no recognised space to process what has happened.

No rituals. No conversations. No support groups. No language to describe the experience. The result is that emotions are often pushed aside rather than processed. Unfortunately, emotions rarely disappear simply because we ignore them.

Research on emotional suppression consistently shows that avoiding difficult emotions is associated with poorer psychological outcomes. Many men have been taught to deal with distress by staying busy.
Work harder. Keep moving. Distract yourself. Don't think about it.

For some, this strategy appears to work for a while. Yet unprocessed emotions often resurface later as anxiety, irritability, emotional withdrawal, relationship difficulties, low mood, sleep problems, or increased reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

The issue is not whether a man should feel a particular way about an abortion. The issue is whether he allows himself to honestly acknowledge whatever he does feel.

One reason these conversations rarely happen is that people often assume there are only two possible positions. Either you are pro-choice. Or you are pro-life. Either you support women or you support men.

Reality is more complicated. Supporting women's reproductive autonomy does not require denying men's emotional experiences. Similarly, acknowledging men's emotional experiences does not require criticising women.

Mental health is not a competition. Pain is not a competition. Recognising one person's suffering does not invalidate someone else's.

The conversation we need is not about who has suffered more. It is not about assigning blame. It is not about revisiting political arguments.
It is about recognising that abortion can be a psychologically significant experience for some men and that they deserve access to healthy ways of processing it.

Not every man will experience distress. Not every man will grieve. Not every man will struggle. But some do. And when they do, silence is rarely the answer.

If you are a man who has been affected by abortion, your feelings do not need to fit a political narrative. You do not need to justify them. You do not need to compare them to anyone else's. You simply need to acknowledge them. Because healing begins when people are finally allowed to have the conversations they have been avoiding.

And this is one of the conversations many men are still afraid to have.

08/06/2026

What Happens When Men Have No Purpose?

A man can have a good job, a comfortable home, and a loving family and still feel completely lost.

From the outside, everything appears fine.
Inside, something feels missing.

Many men describe it as feeling stuck, empty, restless, or disconnected. They struggle to identify exactly what is wrong because nothing appears to be wrong. They are functioning. They are working. They are paying the bills. They are doing what is expected of them.

Yet they wake up every morning wondering:
"Is this all there is?"

The answer often lies in one word: Purpose.

Modern society spends a great deal of time talking about happiness, yet psychological research suggests that happiness alone is not enough for long-term well-being. Studies in positive psychology consistently show that people who experience a sense of meaning and purpose report better mental health, greater life satisfaction, increased resilience, and lower levels of depression.

Purpose gives people a reason to endure difficulties. It provides direction when life becomes challenging. It helps transform suffering into something tolerable by connecting it to a larger goal.

Without purpose, even success can feel empty.

Many men are experiencing what could be described as a crisis of meaning. Previous generations often had clearly defined roles. A man was expected to provide for his family, contribute to his community, and fulfil certain social responsibilities. While these expectations sometimes created their own pressures, they also offered structure and direction.

Today, men have more freedom than ever before but freedom without direction can become overwhelming. Many men know what they do not want. Fewer know what they are moving towards.

As a result, they drift. Not because they are weak. Not because they are lazy. Because they have lost sight of a meaningful destination.

Purpose is not necessarily something grand. It does not require changing the world. Research suggests that purpose often emerges from four areas:
Meaningful relationships.
Contribution to others.
Personal growth.
Commitment to values larger than oneself.

For one man, purpose may be raising children. For another, building a business. For another, mentoring younger people. For another, serving his community. The specific purpose matters less than the fact that it provides direction.

Purpose answers a simple question: "Why am I doing this?"
Without an answer, motivation becomes difficult to sustain.

One of the most vulnerable periods in a man's life often occurs when a major source of purpose disappears.
Retirement. Divorce. Redundancy. Children leaving home. Business failure. Physical illness. Bereavement.
These events do not only create practical challenges, they can create identity crises. A man who has spent twenty years defining himself through work may suddenly find himself asking: "Who am I now?"
A father whose children have grown up may wonder: "What is my role now?"
A businessman whose company collapses, or he sells, may question his worth.

Research consistently shows that major life transitions are associated with increased risks of depression, anxiety, substance misuse, and su***de when individuals struggle to find meaning following loss. The problem is often not simply the event itself.
It is the disappearance of purpose.

When purpose disappears, people often look for relief. Some throw themselves into work. Some seek constant distraction. Some use alcohol. Some gamble. Some retreat into po*******hy. Some isolate themselves from others.
These behaviours are often misunderstood. People see the behaviour and assume it is the problem. In many cases, the behaviour is an attempt to escape a deeper problem. A lack of meaning. A lack of direction. A lack of purpose.
Temporary pleasures can distract us from emptiness but they rarely fill it.

Research has repeatedly found that people with a strong sense of purpose tend to experience better psychological well-being and lower rates of depression. Purpose appears to act as a protective factor during adversity. It helps people recover from setbacks. It increases resilience. It provides motivation to continue moving forward during difficult periods. This may help explain why two men can face similar challenges yet respond very differently. One gives up. One adapts. The difference is often not strength. It is meaning.

Many men spend years asking: "How can I make more money?"
"How can I become more successful?" "How can I get ahead?"

These are not bad questions but there is another question that may be even more important: "What am I living for?"

Not what are you earning. Not what are you buying. Not what are you posting online.

What are you living for?

Because eventually every man reaches a point where achievement alone is not enough.

Titles lose their shine. Possessions become normal. External validation fades. At that point, purpose becomes essential.

If you feel lost, unmotivated, disconnected, or emotionally flat, do not immediately assume you are broken.
Ask yourself a different question: Have I lost my sense of purpose?
Have I become so focused on surviving that I have forgotten why I am doing any of this? Purpose does not always arrive as a sudden revelation. More often, it is built.
Through relationships. Through contribution. Through growth.
Through service. Through living in accordance with your values. The goal is not to find a perfect purpose. The goal is to find a reason to get out of bed tomorrow that feels bigger than simply getting through the day. Because men can survive without purpose. But very few truly thrive without it.

Isn't it fascinating that men feel better when they are men for others?

06/06/2026

When a Man Loses Children Who Were Never His

Nobody talks about this kind of heartbreak.

When a relationship ends, people expect a man to grieve the woman.
They expect him to miss the companionship.

The intimacy.
The future he imagined.
But sometimes that is not the greatest loss.

Sometimes the greatest loss is the child who was never biologically his.
The child who called him when they had a nightmare.
The child who asked him for help with homework.
The child who waited excitedly for him to come home.
The child whose football matches he attended.
The child whose tears he wiped away.
The child he loved as his own.

And then one day, that child is gone.
Not because they died.
Not because they stopped mattering.
Not because the love disappeared.
Simply because the relationship ended.

The Goodbye That Never Happens

Society tells men to step up.
To be present.
To love children as their own.
To show up.
To invest.
To commit.
To care.

And many men do.

They become father figures.
Mentors.
Protectors.
Role models.
They do not ask whether the child shares their DNA.
They simply love them.

Then the relationship ends.
And unlike a biological parent, there is often no recognised place for them afterwards.

No legal rights.
No visitation.
No family meetings.
No shared parenting plans.

In many cases, there is not even a goodbye.

One day they are helping with homework.
The next day they are staring at an empty bedroom that was never technically theirs.

The Grief Nobody Recognises

Psychologists sometimes refer to this as ambiguous loss.

The child is still alive.
The attachment still exists.
The love remains.

But the relationship is no longer accessible.

Research consistently shows that ambiguous losses can be particularly painful because there is no clear ending.

No closure.
No funeral.
No socially recognised grief.

People understand when someone mourns a spouse.
People understand when someone mourns a parent.

But when a man mourns a child who was never biologically his, many people do not know what to say.

Some do not recognise the loss at all.

They tell him:
"They weren't your children."
"You'll move on."
"Just find someone else."

As though attachment can be replaced.
As though love follows legal definitions.
As though years of bedtime stories, school runs, holidays, laughter, and tears can simply be erased.

They Were Never His. But They Were.

Biology matters. Nobody is denying that. But attachment matters too.

Decades of psychological research have shown that meaningful emotional bonds are not created by DNA alone.

They are created by presence. Consistency. Safety. Care. Time.

Children become attached to adults who show up. Adults become attached to children they nurture. That is how human beings work.

The brain does not ask for a paternity test before forming an attachment.

It asks:
"Do I feel safe with this person?"
"Do I love this person?"
"Does this person matter to me?"

The attachment forms regardless and when that attachment is broken, the pain is real.

Many men never talk about this. Not because they did not care. Because they cared too much. They feel foolish, embarrassed and ashamed.

They tell themselves they have no right to grieve. No right to miss the child. No right to talk about the loss.

So they stay silent.
They continue working.
They continue functioning.
They continue smiling when people ask if they are okay.

Meanwhile, they find themselves wondering:
"Does she still remember me?"
"Does he still think about me?"
"Do they know I still care?"

Those questions can haunt a man for years.

There is a stereotype that men fear commitment.
That men avoid responsibility.
That men do not want to be fathers.
Yet many men willingly love children who are not biologically theirs.

Not because they have to but because they choose to. When those relationships end, the emotional consequences can be devastating ,not because they lost possession. Not because they lost control. But because they lost someone they loved.

The same way any human being grieves the loss of a meaningful relationship.

If you are carrying this loss, know this:
Your grief is real. Your attachment was real. Your love was real. You do not need biology to justify heartbreak. You do not need legal rights to justify grief. You do not need anyone's permission to acknowledge what those children meant to you.

Because the truth is simple. The most painful relationships are rarely the ones we chose to leave. They are the ones we never got the chance to continue.

And sometimes the people we miss most are not the partners we lost. They are the little hands we once held on the way to school.

The voices we once heard shouting our name from across a playground. The children who were never ours.

Yet somehow became part of us anyway.

04/06/2026

Is Po*******hy Solving Loneliness, or Helping You Avoid It?

Most men don't watch po*******hy because they are h***y.

That statement alone will upset some people.

But if we are going to have an honest conversation, we need to start there.

Yes, s*xual arousal is part of the picture. But if po*******hy were only about s*x, men would not be turning to it when they feel stressed, rejected, anxious, lonely, bored, inadequate, or disconnected. Or refuse s*x with their partner to then watch p**n.

Yet that is exactly what many men do.

The question is not whether po*******hy is good or bad.

The question is:

What job is it doing in your life?

The Loneliness Nobody Talks About

Many men are lonely.

Not because they are physically alone.

Because they are emotionally alone.

They have colleagues but no confidants.

Followers but no friends.

Matches but no intimacy.

People know what they do for work, but very few know what keeps them awake at night.

Research consistently shows that men tend to have fewer emotionally intimate friendships than women and are less likely to seek emotional support when struggling.

Many men have nobody they can call and say: "I'm not okay."

So they find other ways to cope.

Some drink.
Some work.
Some gamble.
Some spend hours scrolling.
And some disappear into po*******hy.

Po*******hy Never Rejects You

This is one of the reasons po*******hy can become so powerful.

It asks nothing of you.

You don't need confidence.
You don't need vulnerability.
You don't need communication skills.
You don't need to risk rejection.
You don't need to navigate conflict.
You don't need to be emotionally available.

Po*******hy offers stimulation without intimacy.
Pleasure without vulnerability.
Escape without accountability.

For a lonely man, that can feel incredibly comforting.

At least in the short term.

The Problem Isn't the Or**sm

The problem isn't that a man masturbates.

The problem is when po*******hy becomes his primary strategy for managing difficult emotions.

When loneliness shows up and po*******hy is the answer.
When boredom shows up and po*******hy is the answer.
When stress shows up and po*******hy is the answer.
When rejection shows up and po*******hy is the answer.

In psychology we call this avoidance coping.

Rather than addressing the underlying problem, we distract ourselves from it.

The relief is real.

But temporary.

The loneliness remains waiting for us when we close the browser.

The Trap

The cruel irony is that the more lonely a man feels, the more attractive po*******hy can become.

And the more po*******hy becomes his refuge, the less likely he may be to pursue the very things that reduce loneliness.

Real friendships.
Real conversations.
Real relationships.
Real vulnerability.
Real intimacy.

The things that genuinely protect mental health often require effort, courage, uncertainty, and emotional risk.

Po*******hy requires none of those things.

That is precisely why it can become so appealing.

The Question Men Need to Ask

Most discussions about po*******hy focus on whether it is addictive, harmful, moral, immoral, healthy, or unhealthy.

Those debates matter.

But I think there is a more important question.

When you close the laptop, how do you feel?

Relieved?
Connected?
Understood?
Less lonely?
Or simply distracted for a while?

Because if po*******hy is the closest thing you have to comfort, the problem may not be po*******hy.

The problem may be loneliness.

A Challenge to Men:
Be brutally honest with yourself.

If po*******hy disappeared from your life tomorrow, what would you be forced to face?

The answer to that question is probably more important than the po*******hy itself.

Perhaps it is loneliness.
Perhaps it is rejection.
Perhaps it is grief.
Perhaps it is insecurity.
Perhaps it is a relationship that isn't working.
Perhaps it is the fear of being seen.

Po*******hy can numb many things.

It cannot heal them.
Connection heals loneliness.
Friendship heals loneliness.
Meaningful relationships heal loneliness.
Being known by another human being heals loneliness.

The next time you find yourself reaching for po*******hy, pause for a moment and ask yourself:

Am I looking for s*x, or am I looking for relief from something else?

The answer may tell you far more about your mental health than your browsing history ever will.

03/06/2026

03/06/2026

Nobody prepares men for infertility.

Nobody tells you what it feels like to sit in a clinic waiting room while trying to convince yourself you're fine.

Nobody tells you what it feels like to receive results that challenge something you never questioned before.

Nobody tells you how lonely it can feel.

For many men, fertility is tied to identity, masculinity, fatherhood, legacy, and self-worth. Research has shown that men experiencing infertility can struggle with anxiety, depression, shame, low self-esteem, relationship stress, and a profound sense of loss.

Yet many suffer in silence.

They support their partner.

They attend appointments.

They answer questions.

They stay strong.

At least on the outside.

Inside, many are grieving the future they imagined. Some feel guilty. Some feel angry. Some feel broken. Some avoid talking about it altogether because they fear being judged.

Infertility is not a character flaw.

It is not a measure of your worth.

It is not proof that you are less of a man.

You are not your s***m count.

You are not a laboratory result.

You are not a diagnosis.

You are a human being facing one of the most painful and misunderstood challenges a person can experience.

If this is your battle, please know this:

You do not have to carry it alone.

You do not have to pretend you are unaffected.

And you do not have to earn the right to ask for support.

Some of the strongest men I have met are not the ones who hid their pain.

They are the ones who finally spoke about it.

02/06/2026

Men,

Be careful what you feed your mind.

You watch what you eat because you know it affects your body. Yet many men spend hours consuming negativity, outrage, gossip, toxic content, and voices that convince them they are victims, failures, or not enough.

Your mind becomes what you repeatedly expose it to.

Choose your books carefully.
Choose your social media carefully.
Choose your friends carefully.

And choose your relationships carefully.

Love should challenge you to grow, not make you shrink.

If you constantly feel controlled, belittled, manipulated, disrespected, or emotionally exhausted, stop pretending that staying is a strength. Sometimes, strength is having the courage to walk away.

Not every relationship is meant to be saved.
Not every person is meant to stay in your life.

Protect your peace.

Protect your mental health.

Protect your future.

Too many men spend years trying to prove their worth to people who have already decided not to see it.

You do not need to stay where you are constantly wounded.

Feed your mind with knowledge.
Surround yourself with people who want to see you win.
Build a life that makes you proud when nobody is watching.

Your mental health is not determined by one big decision.

It is shaped every day by what you consume, who you spend time with, what you tolerate, and what you choose to leave behind.

Choose wisely.

The rest of your life depends on it.