Shamseddin Giwa

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Shamseddin Giwa Shamseddin Giwa is a Marriage Therapist and Relationship columnist for Leadership Newspaper

Unfortunately, we still have situations where so-called clerics and spiritualists help destroy homes. While a person’s p...
19/10/2026

Unfortunately, we still have situations where so-called clerics and spiritualists help destroy homes.

While a person’s presence in your life may be positive financially, it’s often due to the quality of the financial decisions you made because of the influence of the person, not because you need permission from the person to become wealthy.

A man that is desperate to find spiritual solutions to financial issues will often listen to anything.

He’d even pay money he doesn’t have to be told it’s his wife stopping his wealth.

Think about this critically, why should you need permission from your spouse to achieve wealth?

This problem started after our first child, then I realize my wife is a lazy one when it comes to primary house chores l...
18/10/2026

This problem started after our first child, then I realize my wife is a lazy one when it comes to primary house chores like sweeping, laundry, cooking. Primarily we have issues with sweeping the house. I see this things as a number one role of a woman in the house, I’ve reported her to her sisters countless time but still, she adjust a little and then go back to her Norma way, the whole house could be left u swept for more than a week until I talk or sweep it myself, there are other issues but this is primary thing given me a big concern about whom I am married to.

Chores generally is her problem, she would rather be on her phone all day until I start lamenting.

I’ve been married for 6 years blessed with a daughter and a set of twin(2boys).
———-
When two people raised differently come together in marriage, they discover new things. The work is to find a way to create a point of agreement to make the marriage work.

Your wife was raised different from how you were raised and she may strike you as lazy but check it; she was already pregnant when you got married and pregnancy can be draining making you seem lazy and sluggish even.
After that comes childbirth which she’d be experiencing for the first time. Note that this is where you say the problem started from.

You’ve been married for 6 years and in that time there have been two pregnancies, 2 deliveries, 3 children (one coming as a set of 2 at the same time)

Of 72 months,
she’s been pregnant for 18
dealing with a newborn for 6
Dealing with an infant for 18
Dealing with at least a toddler for 48

The stages above overlap between birth of your daughter and birth of your TWIN BOYS!
(Emphasis on TWIN and BOYS)

Of course the house will be a mess and she’d struggle at this stage.

Having one baby can be a handful, having twins will tire you, having a toddler and a set of twins at the same time will knock you out.

This she still needs to combine with baking and things like cooking for you.

Brother, you need to cut her some slack here.
Good thing is you are a clean person too, take those up to assist her.

Can she get better? Yes. All I’m saying is that you team up with her on this.

Women want husbands who are capable and willing to take charge in different areas. Even where a woman is strong, she doe...
18/10/2026

Women want husbands who are capable and willing to take charge in different areas. Even where a woman is strong, she doesn’t want to be that all the time because the idea behind marriage also involves having a spouse that is dependable.

Unfortunately, many marriages are currently in that state with others headed for that.

Woman wakes up and realises she is no longer attracted to her husband not because she’s having her affair but because the man no longer satisfies what sparks her attraction, husband has now become just a flatmate.

The most common reason is money even though it goes beyond this. Many responsibilities within the marriage are facilitated by funds so a man that cannot provide will put a caring wife in this state eventually if he doesn’t get active about bringing results.
It is worse where he is seen as not pushing his weight.

But there are other things you don’t need money for. Tasks within the home, parenting, creating quality time, ideas and conversations etc are examples you can achieve without money but then the average husband out there is not raised to see it this way. To many, these things are done only by the ‘weak’ as they have been told. They forget that every home is unique in need.

Sometimes it’s the small things that destroy the emotions, slipping into a nonchalant space where said husband becomes used to the wife taking charge of everything.

Known to him “my wife will always take charge”.
Unknown to him, this is the reason attraction fades away and love follows out of the marriage until the crack leads to separation and divorce.

Even the strongest of women still want a man that can take charge sometimes. There’s nothing attractive about a man who appears lazy or lax.

But how do I get my husband to understand this? That is a conversation deeper than this text.

Sounds familiar? Let’s talk.

2026: Don't worry you won't have to work,just be my wife2027: I told you, you don't have to work, I just need you to be ...
18/10/2026

2026: Don't worry you won't have to work,just be my wife
2027: I told you, you don't have to work, I just need you to be a wife
2028: Sorry it's work
2029: Sorry it's work pressure
2030: If you keep pressuring me, I will stay away as much as I can.
2031: You are ungrateful, I work myself out because of you and all you do is sit around lazily making demands without finding something to do
2032: I am tired, I want someone who is eeerm, not lazy.

2026: .....think again.

Dear Muhammad,There are different factors to consider here.1. You want to consider first, the characters of the people i...
18/10/2026

Dear Muhammad,

There are different factors to consider here.

1. You want to consider first, the characters of the people involved. What is your mother like? Is she overly intrusive or attached to you? Does she struggle with tolerance, what about her temperament etc? Next you want to consider same for the wife you are bringing in and finally, you want to ask yourself sincerely if they both can cohabit in the arrangement proposed. Do this for every relevant family member who’d live there.

2. You also need to consider what your intended wife would truly want. Don’t forget, you are different and raised differently. Parents to you in actual fact would be new in-laws she’s just learning about and that doesn’t always go as planned so factor in her desires and what she’d prefer since the choice is there.

3. Sharing a compound doesn’t change much in the family house issues people are known to have especially if your parents and family have a lifestyle different from that of the wife you are bringing.

4. Even in the context of shared compounds, there’s still one matriarch of what should be your new home; your mother. A woman going into marriage deserves to be the matriarch of her marital home, not her mother in law.

5. Privacy is a big deal for many people who want to be able to act without an external authority figure or voice marking their every move.

6. Complacency can set in. Ambition of the man can easily become affected in such an arrangement as against being in his own independent space which can urge him strongly do develop there. This has been the case where many felt settled until it was time for sharing properties and other members of the family laid claims to what he thought was his own.

In the end, put your own new home first, whatever will bring the most happiness to it is what you do regardless of the offers. What will offer you and your wife the most peace and ease? Go with that.

And yes, the house can be rented out as planned with the funds used towards your own new place. If you can agree with your wife, you can also live there temporarily while building yours. The risk with that is complacency can set in and temporary becomes permanent.

You started together with a diploma or first degree. Your spouse did a postgraduate course, you remained the same. Your ...
18/10/2026

You started together with a diploma or first degree. Your spouse did a postgraduate course, you remained the same. Your spouse did a masters, you remained the same. Your spouse moved to a PhD, you remained the same. One day you begin to wonder what happened to the marriage.

No, marriage is not about PhD but as your spouse continued to develop, the mindset, enlightenment, expectations, reality, network, net worth and even sense of humour changed significantly.
It will feel cruel but you may suddenly not be enough in that sense anymore.

Your spouse began fitness moves and healthy eating. You remained the same.
Your spouse embraced and learnt discipline, self respect, perseverance in keeping fit and also changed interests to fitness related things, met new people who are about healthy living yet you remained with old unhealthy habits. One day you’d wake up and wonder what happened to the marriage. You happened to the marriage.

You both started on a financial level and had a model. Your spouse began to learn skills, add certifications, put in more efforts, became more daring with dreams and continued to grow; growth brought better finances. It would feel like you are a team but teamwork only feels healthy and balanced if both parties have valued input.
One day you’d wake up and wonder why there’s so much fight over money, ambitions and life goals but you happened to the marriage. You remained stagnant as your spouse made growth moves.

You’d feel like your spouse betrayed you but in actual sense, you betrayed yourself.

This is not easy to hear but if this feels familiar, embrace change today and begin to move in the right direction for yourself and for your marriage.

Sometimes you really have a need but would be scared of expressing it for the fear of how it would be received or for th...
18/10/2026

Sometimes you really have a need but would be scared of expressing it for the fear of how it would be received or for the damage you think it would do. But then, not having the conversation can mean massive long term damage to the marriage.

Some examples are:

Weight gain; A spouse’s weight gain is affecting attraction but you cannot talk because it was gained around pregnancy. Intimacy is suffering and you are losing attraction but to mention it would be to be blamed. So, like many, you keep quiet as damage continues silently. How can your spouse know to work on it if you don’t talk?

Poor or inadequate s*x: You have heard somewhere that men accuse wives of infidelity or you want to paint a picture of a good wife so you stay quiet about the poor or inadequate s*x while fantasies continue to build inside of you, pushing you towards risks.

Spouse not doing enough to provide: You can see there’s need to do more and you are just tired of having to keep pretending you are okay being a “good wife”. You are losing respect and attraction but you stay silent, gradually disrespecting him without even knowing.

Postpartum body changes affecting tightness and fit means the feeling around intimacy has changed negatively. You are scared you’d be blamed one way or the other so you stay quiet as things get worse.

Effect of poor ambition on attraction where your spouse is lazy and okay to stay mediocre, pulling you back and making you desire more.

Not wanting Inlaw excesses and interference but you don’t want to be labelled as trying to break the family so you continue to hurt silently building resentment.

I attend to many couples and know having these conversations upfront could have prevented the strain on their marriages.

No, it won’t be easy but it can be done and you can learn too.

Reach out for help.

- Inlaw behaviour/interference- Ambition and career- Self development - Weight- Dressing and appearance - Hygiene- Lazin...
18/10/2026

- Inlaw behaviour/interference
- Ambition and career
- Self development
- Weight
- Dressing and appearance
- Hygiene
- Laziness
- Body odours
- Polygyny
- Physical changes
- Questionable friendships and associations
- Spirituality and religiousness
- Fertility challenges

Communication is extremely important in marriage but for different reasons, many husbands cannot even talk about their needs because it will just become a blame game or a fight. As much as presentation is critical, there’s a big issue if your husband cannot have a discussion with you that can make your marriage better or prevent it getting worse.

18/10/2026

I'm not saying to be lax, ignore responsibility or lack ambition but brother, please marry a woman who is able to live within your means and key positively into your ambitions.

E get why.
E get serious why.

It wasn’t always like this, or maybe it was and I never really paid attention to it. The excitement of getting married e...
18/10/2026

It wasn’t always like this, or maybe it was and I never really paid attention to it. The excitement of getting married ensured I didn’t really understand what I was getting into.

Here I am, in an existence with a so called partner I feel nothing for. The excitement is gone but who will understand? After all, to them, my partner is good and kind but my heart yearns for more, I desire the spark that envelopes me and puts a smile that goes beyond the surface.

“Why haven’t I left ?” You may ask, but it’s not that straightforward. The children, my family and truth be told, the fear of the unknown. Is this not a mistake? How can me desiring something good be this confusing?

I know what I’m supposed to feel, I have felt it before and I desire to feel it again and I know I can feel it again but………this is just too confusing.

It’s not too much to desire a spouse that can be on the same intellectual page, one that can share the same level of fun, enlightenment, ambition and direction. It is not too much to desire a spouse that can present an exciting profile, one that can randomly be spontaneously romantic in the right way, time and capacity, one that can provide.

I want more but who will understand?
———————-
You are not weird and no, you are not wrong to desire this. However, your next step can get things right or destroy the little you already have.

Let’s talk when you can. Your emotions are valid.

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