20/08/2024
(Please this is a lengthy article, but worth reading to the end).
UNDERSTANDING THE CONFLICT OF INTEREST BETWEEN DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW AND MOTHERS-IN-LAW AND HOW TO HANDLE THEM.
Marriage is a very beautiful institution and sweet experience. However, from time to time, some individuals make a mess of it by their ignorance of the set rules. Marriage has rules and only those who strictly adhere to them enjoy its bliss.
Issues happen in marriage, and sometimes those issues are self-inflicted or the problems we created by our own hands. One major problem in African marriages is the CLASH OF INTERESTS BETWEEN DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW AND MOTHERS-IN-LAW.
It's one challenge not well understood, let alone handled by the "warring parties", the husbands and many other relatives.
In most parts of Africa, marriage is done in a communal or community-based system, meaning that, when someone gets married, the decision of the choice of a life partner isn't left to the two lovers alone. Parents, siblings and relatives have a say, and most times a very big say because they are stakeholders or even major stakeholders in a marriage. It's a cultural practice from time immemorial.
Once a marriage is contracted between the two spouses, one major stakeholder in a couple's marriage is the mother-in-law. She has a very big say and personal interests, and most times, will stop at nothing to protect her interests even at the expense of her son's marriage. A mother is a male child's first lover. Realities on ground show that mothers bond so much with their male children. One of the reasons why it's so is because in the African society, the male child occupies a more prominent place. The male child is regarded as more important than the girl child. So mothers who have at least one bond so well with their son. A strong emotional bond not easily broken, is created. Mama is her son's first lover, sometimes loving her male children more than even her own husband.
Here's the challenge:
When that son eventually gets married to his wife, the mother naturally sees the daughter-in-law as some sort of "co-wife" or rival who is there to challenge her in her son's life. Because the mother enjoys a very strong emotional bond that she's not willing to let go of yet, her son's wife is subjected to a malicious scrutiny such as she having to prove herself to be a good wife. But that is unnecessary.
THE INTERESTS OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW:
1. The mother enjoys cooking a meal for her son.
2. The mother enjoys soul-to-soul conversation with her son.
3. The mother enjoys receiving periodic gifts from her son.
4. The mother likes visiting her son in his house without enough prior notice.
5. The mother likes to enter her son's kitchen at will.
6. The mother likes controlling the emotions of her son.
7. The mother is possessive.
8. The mother is overly-protective .
9. The mother is domineering.
10. The mother is selfish.
THE INTERESTS OF THE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW:
1. The wife enjoys cooking the meals of her husband all the time.
2. The wife enjoys soul-to-soul conversation with her husband.
3. The wife enjoys receiving periodic gifts from her husband.
4. The wife doesn't like the mother-in-law visiting them without enough prior notice.
5. The wife doesn't like the rate at which the mother-in-law enters her kitchen at will.
6. The wife likes controlling the emotions of her husband.
7. The wife is possessive.
8. The wife is overly-protective.
9. The wife is domineering.
10. The wife is selfish.
As you can see from above-mentioned list, both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law have same interests, therefore causing a conflict of interests between them. Now that the challenge has been identified how does the husband solve it?
To help resolve this dilemma, a proper perspective on marriage is needed first:
1. Marriage isn't the extension of the family of both spouses. Marriage comprises of the husband, wife and children. These are the primary members of a family. Parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc are secondary members. They are the extended family.
2. The greatest loyalty of a spouse lies with their partner, not with their parents, siblings or relatives (Genesis 21).
3. When a man is married, he is expected to bond more emotionally with his wife and less with his mother (Genesis 2:24-25).
4. To a husband, the most important figure in his life is the wife, not even his children, parents, siblings or relatives (Genesis 23).
5. The first beneficiaries of a husband's money or wealth are the wife and his children. Others are secondary.
6. A man MUST provide for his family (wife and children). He doesn't owe such obligation to his parents and siblings. That doesn't mean he shouldn't cater for his parents and siblings if he can.
7. A man must ensure the comfort his family (wife and children). He doesn't owe such obligation to his parents and siblings. That doesn't mean that he can ensure the comfort of his parents and siblings if he can.
HOW TO HANDLE THE CONFLICT OF INTERESTS:
1. Know and understand the personalities of your wife and mother very well. Do you really know them? Do you know their temperaments, behaviours and characters? Do you know what each of them can do when they are offended?
2. If you sense or notice that both women don't get along so well, foster a cordial relationship between them. I did so between my wife and mother (my mum is a bit possessive). How? I kept eulogizing and praising my wife to my mother, telling her how good and nice my wife is. I also eulogized and praised my mother to my wife, telling her how good and nice my mother is. Today, they are best friends, mother and daughter.
2. To your wife act towards her as a husband. And to your mother act towards her as a son. Remember: when married, the wife comes first.
3. Set boundaries around your wife and mother and let them understand their boundaries. Both of them own each other mutual understanding of roles and respect in your life. Don't be emotional about this. Your mother mustn't act as a wife to you. She isn't your wife. You have a wife.
4. Treat both according to their roles. Pamper both women. But remember your wife is your wife. She is to receive most of the pampering not the other way around.
5. Should there be conflicts between the two women, don't take sides unfairly and unjustly because of sentiments. If your wife is at fault, let her know and make her apologize to your mother. If your mother is the one at fault, make her know it and make her apologize to your wife. There should be fairness and justice when handling both women.
6. If you must succeed maritally, when married be emotionally mature to be a man of your own. Don't be the type that can be easily manipulated emotionally. Honour your mum, but your greatest honour must go to your wife. Do you know why? Your wife is you. Both of you are one. While you must caution your wife not to disrespect your parents, siblings and relatives, ensure that they don't disrespect her also. Respect should be mutual.
Honestly speaking, all these are not necessary, but because the level of interference is so high in African marriages, thereby causing conflicts of interests, it's important a husband does "something" to protect both his wife and mother. Generally, women, especially African women don't get along well easily with themselves. They fall out with each other easily even over the smallest of things. Most women would rather prefer the company of a male than that of a female.
Many thanks for reading, commenting, liking and sharing.
