10/06/2026
Oooooooof
I spent years confused by my inability to fit into groups. I could never quite work out what was real and what was performance, and eventually I stopped trusting altogether. Recently, I did a deep dive on the psychology behind it, and for the first time, it actually makes sense to me, so I felt like it was worth a share.
✨ THE TRUTH ABOUT GROUPS
Every group forms a hierarchy. Every single one. Research on group conformity and hierarchy is one of the most replicated in social psychology. And the research is clear, once that hierarchy exists, people start adjusting their opinions, their values, and their preferences to match whoever holds the most influence at the top. This is most noticeable in teenagers when they first start exploring new friendship circles, but if you think adults grow out of it, research says otherwise.
Have you ever had a 1:1 conversation with someone about their values, and then got genuinely surprised (and completely confused) when they hold an entirely different opinion within a group setting? This is no accident. Studies on social conformity show that people are significantly more likely to change their stated views to match those of higher-status group members, especially when others are watching. The social cost of not agreeing is too high. The driving force isn't truth-seeking; it's the drive to make a good enough impression to fit in.
✨ THE FACADE
That harmony you see in tight groups? A lot is performance. Research even shows that people disadvantaged by a group's hierarchy will still defend and justify that hierarchy, because belonging feels safer than not belonging. Unanimity is the social expectation. And for the people who look like they all agree? Many of them don't. They've just decided that fitting in is worth the cost of pretending. But what happens to those of us who can't pretend? For those of us whose values are more important than fitting in?
Genuine groups do exist, but they're built intentionally, and they're rare. The ones that excluded you probably weren't one of them.
✨ THE KICKER
Some of us simply can't do that. Not because we're difficult (although we often get the "difficult" label), but because our nervous systems are literally wired to resist performing agreements we don't feel. Yes, I'm talking to you, my fellow PDAers. And for those of us with PDA, there's a growing body of work that reframes what looks like defiance as something far more rational. Not a flaw, but a function. A nervous system that won't let you betray yourself or perform to fit in with others.
No matter how much we want to fit in. Our body and brain won't allow it.
And there is grief in that. Grief for the belonging we wanted but never had the ability to access. But becoming aware that we choose autonomy over performance, matters to us. Because we couldn't live with ourselves any other way.
🤍 FOR MY PEOPLE
So, if you've been excluded from groups for being too honest, too principled, or just unable to play the social game, you were never the problem. You just couldn't pay the price of the group's admission.
Have you ever been pushed out of a group for refusing to go along with something that felt wrong?
Or are you like me and never made it into any groups in the first place, but have some genuinely authentic 1:1 friendships that last a lifetime?
