21/05/2026
The APA Adds Dozens More Illnesses to the DSM-6: "Have We Identified All the Mental Illnesses Yet?"
A Satirical One-Act Play
Cast of Characters
Dr. David J. Cupfur — Chairman of Diagnostic Expansion
Dr. Darrell A. Regear — Master of Research Narratives
Dr. Michael B. Worst — Specialist in “Early Detection”
Dr. Philip Wrong — Pharmaceutical Liaison
Dr. Paul S. Applebomb — Ethics Consultant (mostly decorative)
Dr. Kenneth S. Kindler — Genetic Destiny Theorist
Dr. Ellen Liebenfluff — Director of Emotional Sensitivity Disorders
Dr. Maria O’Quencher — Architect of DSM-6 Roadmap
Dr. Nitin Goggles — Pediatric Overdiagnosis Specialist
Dr. Wilson M. Complyton — Government Partnership Advisor
Dr. Daniel S. Pinebox — Anxiety Disorder Expansion Team
Carl — the last remaining “normal” citizen
Scene
A giant conference room at the American Psychiatric Expansion Association.
A glowing sign reads:
“IF IT EXISTS, WE CAN LABLE & DIAGNOSE IT.”
A second sign underneath says:
“NO HUMAN EXPERIENCE LEFT BEHIND.”
Stacks of DSM-6 drafts tower dangerously high.
Several pharmaceutical representatives wait in the corner holding champagne.
ACT ONE
Dr. Cupfur
(colossal grin)
Good morning, colleagues. Today we finalize the new DSM-6.
Our goal remains clear:
By 2030, every living American must qualify for at least three mental illnesses.
(applause)
Dr. Regear
We’ve made tremendous progress.
Last year alone we classified:
excessive yawning,
humming in grocery stores,
and preferring silence over group activities.
Dr. Wrong
And prescriptions are up 480%.
Human misery has never been more profitable.
Dr. Applebomb
(quietly)
Shouldn’t we perhaps discuss ethics?
(entire room stares at him)
Dr. Cupfur
Security?
Dr. Applebomb
Never mind.
Dr. Liebenfluff
I’d like approval for our newest condition:
“Acute Hurt Feelings Spectrum Disorder.”
Symptoms include:
criticism,
rejection,
sarcasm,
and reading internet comments.
Dr. Pinebox
Excellent.
We can pair it with generalized anticipatory emotional destabilization syndrome.
Carl
(confused)
Isn’t that just… worrying?
Dr. Pinebox
Exactly.
Chronic worrying.
Which makes it medical.
Dr. Goggles
Children remain dangerously underdiagnosed.
Kids are still:
climbing trees,
running around,
staring out windows,
and asking questions.
We propose:
“Oppositional Curiosity Disorder.”
Dr. Kindler
We believe it may be genetic.
Carl
You think curiosity is hereditary?
Dr. Kindler
Everything is hereditary if the grant money is sufficient.
Dr. O’Quencher
Moving on.
Our behavioral addiction team proposes:
Social Media Withdrawal Syndrome,
Revenge Bedtime Procrastination Disorder,
Chronic Notification Anxiety,
and Orthorexic Purity Fixation.
Carl
People stay up late because life is stressful and phones are addictive.
Dr. Wrong
(write that down)
“Reality Acceptance Disorder.”
Dr. Complyton
The government partnership division has concerns.
Too many citizens are still functioning independently without medication.
Dr. Cupfur
Disturbing.
Dr. Regear
Our projections show that by DSM-7, ordinary grief itself may finally qualify as a permanent condition.
Carl
Wait… sadness is normal!
(entire room gasps)
Dr. Liebenfluff
Did he just invalidate emotional suffering?
Dr. Pinebox
Classic empathy aggression.
Dr. Worst
I move we diagnose Carl immediately.
Symptoms:
skepticism,
independent thinking,
resistance to authority,
excessive pattern recognition,
and emotional realism.
Dr. Wrong
Very dangerous profile.
Dr. Goggles
Possibly contagious.
Carl
You people are turning normal life into mental illness!
Being sad after loss isn’t a disease.
Being nervous sometimes isn’t a disease.
Being different isn’t a disease.
Dr. Cupfur
(stunned silence)
My God…
Write this down.
“Severe Normality Disorder.”
(All doctors erupt into applause.)
Pharmaceutical reps uncork champagne.
A giant banner descends from the ceiling:
“DSM-6 — THERE’S A PILL FOR EVERYTHING.”
Final Stage Direction
Carl slowly exits the room while the committee argues over whether laughter itself should become a diagnosable condition.
The lights dim.
A printer endlessly spits out new disorders into the darkness.
