06/18/2026
It was all true! I love this💖
Things your midwife says in labor and what you actually hear:
"Just breathe through it. Blow out like you're blowing out a candle."
(Said while the baby is actively crowning. I am attempting to blow out a candle while what feels like a watermelon is exiting my bu****le. Breathing is not currently available to me.)
"Drop your shoulders and let everything from your head to your toes just loosen up."
(My insides are currently being squeezed in a mechanical vice. But sure. I'll just loosen up.)
"You're safe and you're doing such a great job."
(I am in fact not doing a great job. I am fairly certain I am dying. These feel like different things.)
"You CAN do this. You're almost there and the only way out now is through."
(At this point I have no choice. That's not encouragement, that's just math. And honestly? A little brutal.)
"This looks like early labor. The best thing you can do right now is rest."
(Said as my midwife tucked me into my own bed and handed me sleepy herbs. I'm sorry. EARLY? This cannot be early. I refuse to accept early. Early is not possible right now.)
"You really need to try and eat something to keep your energy up for pushing."
(The thought of eating anything ever again is offensive to me. I have decided this baby is never coming out and food is no longer part of my life.)
"Why don't you snuggle up with your husband and get some oxytocin flowing to help pick up those contractions?"
(Ma'am. Have you seen me? I am a sweaty, leaking, enormous human who currently feels the opposite of romantic. My husband is also a little scared of me right now. Snuggling is not on the table.)
"Your body was made for this."
(Cool. My body and I are having a serious conversation after this is over.)
"Every contraction is bringing your baby closer."
(This is technically true and also completely unhelpful right now.)
"You're almost there."
(You have said this four times in the last two hours. We need to discuss what almost means.)
And then the baby arrives.
And suddenly every single thing we said was true.
You were safe. You did do a great job. You could do it. You were almost there.
Your body WAS made for this.
And it was worth every single second.
