09/05/2026
I feel like we hear it all the time, “NO, that’s NOT having safe hands!”
Or, “Hitting might work at home, but it won’t work here!”
When autism affects a person’s ability to communicate or understand social rules, people end up doing the best they can with what they have.
Instead of scolding autistic folks for not having an ability, GIVE them the ability!
I was trying to wipe the table when she went to sn**ch another fistful of my hair.
Luckily, I caught her hand mid-grab. I guided her wrist to show her how to TAP my shoulder.
I explained if she needed me, she could tap me. And of course, as soon as she did…I dropped what I was doing to chat with her.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…if you want a hurtful action to change, you have to give the person a new action to use instead.
Unfortunately, the next time, I wasn’t so lucky as to catch the hand hurdling towards me. While I was writing an email, she randomly slammed my laptop shut without warning.
From her perspective, perhaps getting in trouble was better than getting nothing? She wanted my attention, and she certainly knew how to get it!
But obviously, this can’t continue. So I used my best calm voice to explain,
“Remember, if you need my attention you can tap me.”
I couldn’t let this one be just a casual, passing reminder.
So I pulled my email back up and explained we now need to PRACTICE.
“I’m going to be busy, and if you need me, you can tap my shoulder, and I’ll answer.”
For those times when you can see it coming, like in my case, when I caught the hand mid-air…you can interrupt hurtful actions…then help them use the new action instead.
That said, no one can catch it every time.
If the hurtful action had already happened, show them the better option and do a quick practice.
Ultimately, when it comes to autistic kids…and maybe just kids in general…we should all spend less time saying what NOT to do and more time teaching what TO do.
