05/29/2026
And I would say that this is one of the hardest things for parents to understand ABOUT young children (and I would also say that this is an ongoing growing edge for children for longer than we'd like). When a child says, "I hate you" to a parent, they do mean to be hurtful because they are feeling hurt and they're trying to communicate it (children often try to convey their feelings by passing them on because they don't have the language for them yet). But they don't know the deeper consequences of being hurtful. They don't understand that a parent might struggle to withstand that hurt because children think other people -- especially their beloved, all powerful caretakers -- are impervious. We need to teach them but also care for ourselves so that we feel less pummeled in the process. When we are feeling loved and cared for, a 3-year old's ferocity won't bother of us. But if we are feeling exhausted and forgotten, a 3-year old shouting, "You're a dumb mommy!" might feel like the last straw. We have to survive the tiny (and not so tiny) cruelties of our kids both because we are the people who are going to build the bridge to empathy and kindness. That's not always easy. But recognizing it as a developmental task -- like learning to use the potty, learning to read, learning to tie their shoes -- might make it a little easier.
