07/06/2026
Shame
Shame, the dictionary will tell you that it is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. It can be feelings of a mix of regret, self-hate, and dishonor. Often, this is not a result of something we have done, but rather of something done to us. Think of the women who experience domestic violence, who are r***d, who were sexually abused as little girls, who were abused physically, mentally, emotionally, by a caregiver/ parent and who now may suffer from a substance use disorder or mental health disorder. Trauma. It is not a synonym of shame, but yet they are thicker than thieves. These women have done nothing to wear that shame. It is not them who should feel the shame. The shame should be felt by those who perpetrated the wrong doing. The one who created the trauma. The substance use disorder, the mental health disorder, are merely byproducts of trauma, of shame. Heal the trauma, heal the shame, put the substance use disorder and mental health disorder in remission.
How do we, as women, heal from trauma? I can tell you how I did. I immersed myself into education. I learned about my offenders. The knowledge gave me power. I learned that I do not have to give forgiveness for the most heinous of crimes committed against me. What I had to do, what you must do, is come to a place of acceptance. I have accepted that these things happened to me. I took back my power, I stopped giving it away to the people who hurt me. I have accepted that those things happened to me, I cannot go back and undo it, but I cannot move forward if I hang onto it either. Acceptance. It is so freeing. Once I accepted what happened to me, I was able to begin to make boundaries; not put up walls – that is gaslighting talk. Boundaries of what is acceptable treatment of my person. Who I let into my life, how they can talk to me, who I have to cut out of my life, and behaviors I will no longer accept.
I no longer feel shame of my past, I do not hide the scars. I am a WARRIOR; I wear them with honor.
~ Dr. Rhoades
