06/15/2026
‘I can’t do big days in the Whites - my body will fail.’ This is basically what I have been telling myself for years.
I think it stems from several summers, years ago, when I took some falls that beat up my knees and then a lot of mileage on all those rocks was painful. I never really tested the theory and focused on more runnable, less technical goals.
Then last summer, while training for and doing the Long Trail, I did do more volume up high and didn’t get too beat up. But I still had that saying in my head. I would think about bigger objectives and then not do them because …’I haven’t trained enough big days’….’my volume isn’t right’, etc.
I would run this theory by others when they would ask and usually they were surprised. I didn’t think much of it.
Then last week, Andrew went out and knocked out a Pemi Loop one morning. While watching his little blue dot, I had a few passing thoughts of - if he can do it, why can’t I? And it seemed thrilling for some reason. But then shut it down.
I have only done 1 other Pemi - in 2019! I had done it pretty fast so I also let that get in my head - ‘What if I’m slower?’ Etc. Then that confirms I don’t have it anymore. Another reason why I wouldn’t let myself try. Damn ego.
I asked Andrew his advice. He asked me - Does it excite you? And when I answered yes - that was the feeling and reason I for some reason bucked my trend and decided to go for it this past Saturday. I decided I wanted to just enjoy it - be thankful I could even try and be happy with whatever the outcome.
I did it - had a beautiful day on trail, it felt hard, it felt easy, I fell 2 times really hard but somehow kept moving. I cried twice - driving there and then during because I was feeling so moved to be able to move my body in the mountains.
So I guess the moral of the story is to pay attention to the things we tell ourselves that are holding us back. Some are probably good that protect us but some are probably based in some kind of fear. And to dig into the why.
