05/06/2026
My clients sometimes say profound things that I want to hang on to for dear life. I have one who connects everything he learns in therapy to some movie I’ve usually never heard of. Today, I laughed as he brought up Fight Club but quickly teared up as he explained the symbolism for showing up in relationships with vulnerability.
“How much can you know about yourself, you’ve never been in a fight? I don’t wanna die without any scars. So come on; hit me before I lose my nerve.” - Tyler from Fight Club
Some of us came to believe that relationships mean pain. We learned to pull back with any slight stress. Safety was only found in isolation. Some of us could only start to find ourselves by leaving everyone we knew. We thought it might be better to leave before getting attached —to numb out —to shut down —to Irish goodbye —to quietly retreat —to get needs met somewhere else by someone else —to cut them off —to block them…you know the drill. It became more comfortable taking a jab to the face than sharing a real-time emotion.
It’s beautiful to see avoidant attachers grapple with uncomfortable emotions that feel dangerous, stare their fears in the face, rewrite stories that keep them stuck, and embrace the skin they’ve been trying to crawl out of. Probably because I’m doing the same. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, horrible, and terrifying at times. But I’ve never felt more alive. Once you learn about attachment styles, you just can’t go back to a life of isolation the same. You can’t experience connection unless you decide to take the risk. You can’t truly know yourself without connection.
“Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self.” - Dr. Harriet Lerner
Cheers to having some of the most strong, brave, and resilient clients.
