NAMI DVC

12/14/2021

Always feel that others have a bad impression of yourself？
—— Psychologist has something to say

Have you ever experienced such a moment:

You saw a friend on campus who used to participate in activities together, dressed in fashionable, you really want to communicate with him, when you just opened your mouth, you can’t help but think: “Will he be uninterested in what I say? Do he think my taste is too low?"

According to a study published in 《Psychological Science》, this situation is relatively common. After meeting and talking to new friends, we always worry that the other person doesn't like us that much. This situation is actually part of the metacognition that psychologists talk about. Metacognition includes what others think of us as you think. In other words, it is how others think of us in my eyes. Do others think we are funny or boring, selfish, or altruistic?

According to the research of psychologists on metacognition, you can relieve: others see you better than you think.

You are in the eyes of others better than you think

"Although estimating whether the other person likes us is an important part of interacting with people, and we have practiced this many times, research has found that it is difficult to accurately estimate how much the other person likes us in a conversation." Postdoctoral fellows from Cornell University and Harvard University said this in their research.

There is a concept of liking gap in psychology, which refers to the deviation between what we think of others’ impressions of us and their real impressions.

Four professors at the University of Exes discovered this gap. In one experiment, the researchers paired participants in pairs. They need to have a 5-minute dialogue and ask some ice-breaking questions, such as "Where do you come from" and "What are your hobbies". After the conversation, the researcher will ask the participants some questions, including how much they like each other and how much they think others like themselves.

You may be used to thinking that you like the other, but the other person doesn't like your that much. In fact, the other person will also think the same way. Therefore, everyone think others doesn’t like them. It can be seen from this that people are always inclined to think, "they don’t like me", which is liking gap. The researchers recorded videos of the conversations between the participants. Analysis of these videos found that participants tend to ignore the signals of interest and enjoyment that the other people showed.

Interestingly, the results of the study are exactly opposite to the concept of optimism bias proposed earlier. Our optimism bias is manifested in overestimating our actual intelligence and skill level, while underestimating our possibility of encountering negative events, such as getting sick. We always feel that although I am not the best, I should still be a little better than average; but more than half of people have this idea, which is optimism deviation.

" 'Liking gap' is not the same as 'optimistic bias'. When it comes to social interaction and communication, people are always not sure whether they have left a good impression on the other people, they will be particularly picky about their performance. "The researcher said so. "People will be more optimistic in other areas, and pessimistic about social interaction, which is surprising."

Why do people underestimate themselves?

In another study, it was found that when asked which moments in the conversation were impressed by the participants, most people thought of some negative moments. For example, the other people mentioned the new song of Taylor Swift, but we don’t know it, and they would worry that it may leave a bad impression at any moment.

"They are too worried that they will leave a bad impression on the other people in the conversation, so they are concerned about their bad behavior." One researcher said.

Researchers speculate that the reason for this phenomenon is self-evaluation. There is a saying, "A good girl in front of people is a little devil in the back". When other people are present, for example, during an exam, the teacher walks over and looks at our test paper. We will start to be alert. Did we do something wrong? Similarly, in interpersonal communication, we will also try to see ourselves and evaluate ourselves with the eyes of others, and if we are alone, we can "free ourselves" without caring what other people think of us.

From another perspective, this pessimism may be a kind of self-protection. Before we know whether the other person likes us, we assume that the other person does not like us. In this way, you can avoid being hurt from social activities, such as struggling to pursue someone who doesn't like you, which will do great harm to your soul.

Underestimating ourselves can hinder our communication with other people. "When we move into a new area, establish a new friendship, or want to leave a good impression on our classmates, we need to understand what the other person thinks of us. Any systematic mistakes will cause serious damage to our personal lives. For example, in the face of a classmate whom I have a crush on for a long time, I look for opportunities to exercise with her, but I always feel that she has no good feelings about me, so we don’t have contact after graduation, maybe she is waiting for you to take the initiative.

So, when you meet a new friend, ask more about their impressions on you, and give them more feedback, and say "It’s a nice meeting with you," and the other person may be very happy.

Citation:

After we have conversations with new people, our conversation partners like us and enjoy our company more than we think, according to findings published

10/25/2021

Price of hiding

However, concealing the news of success also brings a series of costs. For example, once people find that you are hiding something, they will feel that you are less worthy of love and trust, and at the same time they will feel less intimacy with you. On the contrary, there are additional benefits by sharing the news of success. For example, as mentioned earlier, this will make people feel that you are capable, and it also provides an opportunity for others to respond positively to good news, which can promote relationship intimacy and mutual trust. Concealing success naturally reduces such opportunities.

As a result, the researchers believe that the cost of concealing success is high, and it is mediated by the target’s opinion on the communicator’s motives.

For example, Alex did not inform his colleague Eric after he was promoted and raised his salary. Eric would infer that it was because Alex felt that he would be jealous of him. Eric felt that Alex made the decision on his behalf, which was a kind of “paternalistic motives", that is, the communicator makes decisions for the target based on what he thinks is the best assumption for the target, to achieve the purpose of helping the target. Although this kind of paternalistic motives may be well-intentioned, the target may feel offended because it reflects the communicator’s negative evaluation of the target’s personality and emotions (that is, Alex feels that Eric will be jealous, but not happy for his success).

Through 8 experiments, the researchers used a variety of experimental paradigms (hypothetical situations, real interpersonal interactions, etc.) under different interpersonal relationships (classmates, colleagues, couples, etc.) to test the different results of concealing success (interpersonal feelings, emotional feedback, impression management evaluation and behavior), as well as the mediating role of paternalistic motivation.

10/09/2021

😠No matter what I say，they always rebut me

When you say go to pizza today, he says someone got sick after eating pizza yesterday; When you posted a picture of your idol on Facebook, he replied that I was the only one who thought it was ugly; When you talk about someone's high achievements, he always says just so-so. When you say something, he always says the opposite, which always embarrasses you. Such a person is so-called “KY”.

What is KY?
KY is derived from Japanese and takes the first letter of "空気が読めない" (pronounced KuuKi ga Yomenai literally as 'does not read atmospheric air'). KY refers to someone who says something inappropriate and doesn't react appropriately to the atmosphere and the other person's face.

Why do we hate KY?
They don't physically attack us directly, but why do we still hate them? Part of the reason is that we all care about our own self-worth, that is, whether others think we are valuable. In secular societies, our judgment depends largely on whether others and society agree with us. When society's recognition of us is different from what we expect, it can lead to a bad mood. Not only do KYs make us feel that our views are refuted, but they also make us feel that our self-worth is low. So, we hate KYs.

Why would anyone become a KY?
KYs always rebut others, which is a habitual defense phenomenon in psychology. The reason why they will defend themselves habitually is that they interpret other people's questioning of our views as a denial of our own values. That is, when we feel that our point of view and dignity may be challenged, our first reaction is not to think about whether the other person's point of view is reasonable, but to feel that the person is offending me.

How do we avoid becoming KYs?
First, before rebutting, think carefully whether just to prove your existence or disagree with others ‘opinions. Generally, a rebuttal that is blurted out is usually for the purpose of rebutting, and sometimes it is very logically imprecise, which you can feel during the conversation.

Second, try to follow others ‘thinking and see if other people's opinions have factors that he considers. For example, someone posted a photo of his idol, most of the reason is because he likes it. At this time, if you comment that his idol is ugly, you may not really consider it from the perspective of others.

If you are not a member of the KY but are really troubled by the behavior of the KY, let me know in the comments below to roast them.