24/08/2022
I've talked with over 500 people in my lifetime (26 years old) about trauma to try to find a deeper understanding.The human brain and response to trauma is a complex issue that cannot be understood from one theory, only, which shows my motivation for this work.
While I was working as a substance use disorder counselor, patients used to ask me what to do if other people around them were not happy about their newly implemented health behavior actions. From there, I provided the usual education about unhealthy family dynamics, trauma/abuse cycles, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy value and belief systems, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy models and cognitive distortion education, substance use disorder education (including multiple types of recovery meetings and resources, post acute withdrawal symptoms education, etc.) Education is always good to give because we cannot change what we don't know exists, but I'm noticing now that there is much more to it than that.
The main thing is that when there is any change within a family unit, there is a change in the equilibrium of power. For example, someone who enabled the previous behavior now does not have the unhealthy person to rely on to keep the thing going. This is usually due to previous trauma on their part, too, so they may not even know they're doing this. This is why I recommend therapy to everyone who can go, because when we are in it, it's hard to see despite having the information/research. Therapy is about helping yourself to become a better version of you, less about fixing things.
Things are different now that I am a researcher instead of a therapist because as a therapist it is considered unethical to give advice. It is thought to create an unhealthy alliance between the patient and therapist. There are different roles and expectations, which are totally needed. We don't want sh*tty people working with those who have been abused because those people usually beat themselves up hard enough. I am here today to say if you have already done your personal therapy work, taken the medications for years, taken on shame and guilt that wasn't yours to take, it's time to change something. Therapists often teach about boundaries, but there is a misunderstanding that enforcing these boundaries will lead to a certain result. Healthy boundaries are about protecting yourself and not about controlling other people.
If you've told a person multiple times that what they're doing is hurting you and they don't stop, it's possible they currently love their hurt more than they love you. This post is a reminder to those currently struggling that it's okay to move on while wishing for people to heal and we don't have to beat ourselves up over mistakes we made forever. ♥️💯
