07/03/2026
As we are approaching the Fourth of July, the concept of freedom has been coming up more often. If you had asked me in the middle of my active addiction if I were “free”, I would have said yes without hesitation. Of course I was free… No job, no responsibility, no due dates, no one to report to. I didn’t have anywhere to be at any given time. Yet not a single one of those things provided me with true freedom. In fact, I was not free.
Every thought, feeling, and action was dictated by my disease. When am I going to be sick again? How do I get more money? Where am I going to sleep tonight? How can I get a ride? What am I going to tell my parents? My disease screamed at me constantly. That if it was not the sole focus of my existence, something bad was going to happen.
No matter how badly I wanted to act differently, think differently, it didn’t matter. The fear of sickness shackled me onto the set course, with no room to veer. No matter how important it was, I could not stop. And because of that, I gave away everything in my life that I had left. Over time, it began to chip away at me. Every ounce of self-respect I once had was gone, and any semblance of feeling free went with it. Because I was not free, but bound by the weight of He**in.
At 8.5 years in recovery, I am more free than I have ever been. Do I have responsibility? Absolutely. I work a full-time job, graduate in December with my degree, and have a 9 year-old. I have service commitments, people that rely on me, and loved ones that I can be here for. Yet despite that responsibility, the weight of the disease is no longer pushing down on me. Today, I have the freedom to choose how my thoughts look, what I feel, and how I behave. I have the freedom to make different choices, and veer from the “set course” that I was on. And for that, I am thankful.
In light of this, I plan to have a beautiful Fourth of July! I hope you all do too!
-K
