Engage Renew Therapy

10/12/2026

“You want to have your emotions, not have your emotions have you.”

It's something I say often in therapy, usually while waving my arms around like a marionette on strings.

Sometimes the part of us that wants to control everything takes over. Other times, the part that wants to escape responsibility has had enough. Both may be trying to protect us, and neither always knows when to stop.

In my latest blog, I introduce the Control Freak, the Escape Artist, and the Navigator, and explore how learning to recognize these parts can help us respond differently, especially in our closest relationships.

The goal isn't perfection. It's flexibility.

Read the new blog:

One minute you are grounded and reasonable, and the next minute some internal part grabs the strings and starts running the show. You snap at your partner, procrastinate for the fifth hour in a row, eat an entire bag of chips, doom-scroll into the wee hours, or make grand plans to completely turn yo

10/06/2026

Many couples come to therapy wanting to “communicate better.” But good communication involves more than learning the right words to say.

When we're hurt, overwhelmed, or feeling threatened, it's easy to react from anger, criticism, defensiveness, or withdrawal before we fully understand what's happening underneath. Slowing down long enough to notice the more vulnerable feelings—hurt, fear, embarrassment, loneliness—can change not only what we say, but how our partner is able to hear us.

Communication skills matter. But so does learning to regulate, become curious about our own experience, and understand what's happening beneath the reaction.

This Psychology Today article offers a thoughtful look at why good communication begins before we speak.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intimacy-a-path-toward-spirituality/202609/the-limits-of-communication-skills?

Good communication begins with self-awareness. Pausing to notice our deeper feelings helps us move beyond blame and create greater trust, safety, and intimacy.

10/02/2026

October is ADHD Awareness Month.

ADHD is often misunderstood as laziness, lack of discipline, forgetfulness, or simply not trying hard enough. In relationships, those assumptions can quickly become personal: “You don’t care.” “You’re not listening.” “If it mattered to you, you’d remember.”

Understanding ADHD doesn’t remove accountability, but it can change the conversation. When couples understand what may be happening underneath a behavior, they can replace assumptions with curiosity and begin looking for strategies that work for both partners.

This new article from CHADD is a thoughtful reminder that awareness is more than recognizing ADHD. It’s learning, listening, asking better questions, and building the kinds of support that help people and relationships thrive.

Support begins with understanding, but it doesn’t end there. For someone with ADHD, support can take many forms. It might be a partner who understands that sometimes you really can’t “just remember.” It could be an employer open to reasonable accommodations, a healthcare professional who lis...

10/01/2026

One of the hardest things about being in a relationship is letting ourselves be truly seen—especially in the places where we feel hurt, insecure, embarrassed, or “not enough.”

Vulnerability can feel risky, but it’s also where deeper connection begins. ❤️

If you and your partner are feeling stuck in patterns of conflict or disconnection, couples therapy can help.

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09/30/2026

Have you ever noticed how the same thing your partner does can feel completely different depending on how connected you feel to them?

When we feel close, we’re more likely to give our partner the benefit of the doubt. When we’ve been hurt or disconnected, the same behavior can become one more piece of evidence that they don’t care, aren’t trying, or don’t understand us.

The behavior may be identical. The meaning we assign to it is not.

My latest blog looks at the “glasses” we wear in relationships, how connection and disconnection can change what we see in each other, and what can happen when two people begin keeping very different scorecards.

When there is enough goodwill in a relationship, we tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. We may see our partner through something closer to rose-colored glasses. When hurt and distance have been accumulating, the lens can darken, and even neutral interactions can start looking suspiciou

09/25/2026

Strong relationships aren’t built only through big gestures. More often, connection grows through the small, everyday ways we turn toward one another.

Pick one or two from this list to try this weekend. You don’t have to do all 15. Sometimes a six-second kiss, a genuine thank you, or putting down the phone and paying attention is enough to create a little more connection.

Which one could you try this weekend?

09/25/2026

We often underestimate how much even small moments of connection with other people can improve our well-being. A conversation with a neighbor, a quick exchange with a stranger, or simply reaching out to someone can leave us feeling better than we expect.

Relationships matter, and not just our closest ones. This article looks at the research behind why a little more human connection may be good for all of us.

A new book by Nicholas Epley explains the research behind why we should reach out to other people, despite our hesitancy to do so.

09/22/2026

One of the most difficult patterns I see in couples is when partners slowly stop functioning like partners and begin functioning more like a parent and child. One person takes on more responsibility, reminding and managing, while the other may withdraw, resist, or become increasingly dependent on those reminders.

This dynamic can be especially common when ADHD is part of the relationship, and it can leave both partners feeling frustrated and resentful. This article from CHADD looks at how couples can begin stepping out of these roles and get back to being partners again.

The Problem: Unequal Status That No One Likes ONE OF THE MOST COMMON ISSUES THAT COUPLES FACE when struggling with how to respond to ADHD in their relationship is an increasingly unequal distribution of responsibility between the partners. This happens over time, as the partner who has ADHD inconsis...

09/21/2026

This one came out of something I see often with couples who have been hurting for a long time: both people are protecting themselves, and those protective strategies can become part of the very pattern keeping them disconnected.

One partner criticizes because they’re desperate to be heard. The other becomes defensive or withdraws because they’re trying not to be hurt again. Eventually, both become convinced they’re simply reacting to the other person.

So how does anything change when each person is waiting for the other to go first?

My latest blog explores putting down the sword, lowering the shield, allowing new behavior to count, and what it might mean for two people to stop trying to save “Marriage #1” and find out whether they can build something different together.

One of the hardest things about healing a marriage after years of hurt is that there often isn't one person who has been hurt and one person who did the hurting. Sometimes there are two people who have been hurting each other, and hurting themselves trying not to be hurt again.

09/20/2026

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