09/12/2026
In the Iliad, Ares takes a spear that Athena steered into him and bellows like nine or ten thousand men, then flies to Olympus to complain to his father, who tells him that of all the gods he likes him least. I think about him in family meetings, where nobody is Ares and intensity still has a way of producing more intensity. People can love the same person enormously and disagree about what that love requires. Add fear, exhaustion, and a decision in which every choice costs something, and volume begins to sound like certainty even when nobody is certain.
The medical reality is often exactly as hard as it looks: several reasonable options, each with its own burden, and no lovely third door. What can change is the space around the choice. In a French trial from 2007, which this corner of medicine still leans on, families of dying patients in 22 intensive care units were given a more deliberately structured conversation, with a brochure on grief to take home, and they spoke for a median of fourteen minutes instead of five. Ninety days later, fewer of them carried symptoms of post-traumatic stress, 45 percent against 69. The choices had not acquired a painless option. The room had been built.
None of which makes the decision easier. It makes the room better, and perhaps that is why deciding where everyone will sit is not such a small thing after all. If you have sat in that room, on either side of the table, tell me what the seating chart looked like. The whole of it is on the Substack this Sunday.