08/20/2025
Recently, I had to go no-contact with somebody that I once believed was going to be one of my "forever friends."
At first, I was uncertain whether I was truly doing the right thing or if it was just me overreacting, simply because we had wonderful conversations and some deep moments of (what I thought was) vulnerability. But then, I remembered the times I betrayed myself while hoping that at some point I'd be deemed "worthy" of more of their time, conversation, and presence—beyond their "need" of me as a listening ear, spiritual guide, and resource. I remembered the times when they said they wanted to hang out, but then changed their mind. I even remembered all the times when they confused me in both word and deed as they said one thing, but meant (and did) another.
Their inconsistency in many instances and their failures to be completely honest at times stuck out like sore thumbs.
If I wasn't so willing to blind myself with the dreams and psychic feedback I was getting *for* this person—and, I wasn't so busy playing "personal prophetess/guardian angel"—I would have seen that I was slipping into a pattern of people-pleasing because, deep down, I sensed that only one of us was willing to be emotionally available and fully present within the friendship.
💚 Lesson: feelings of intensity can exist in friendships just as much as in romantic connections, but it's equally true that intensity doesn't always correlate with depth or substance. It also isn't an accurate measure of someone's willingness to participate.
In fact, there are times when the "intensity/fatedness" one feels in a relationship is actually anxiety in disguise, especially when it's prolonged and overwhelming, and doesn't decrease overtime. 💚
Why? Sometimes, it's because you're being love-bombed (or what I would like to call being "me-too'd" to death in friendships.) It's when you *suddenly* have everything in common, down to your favorite sock patterns. Chances are, someone's trying to accelerate the pace of the connection because they are *scared* that it's going to end prematurely. So, their logic is to bring the end to the front of the line and experience everything "now" so no time is wasted.
Then, there are times when this is done to gain control of the connection and secure it for transactional purposes or other personal agendas that aren't aligned with the truth of love and union. Then, once they get what they are seeking, they simply discard the connection as it has lost its use to them or become inconvenient.
It's a manipulation tactic, regardless of the intention, and it creates *intensity.*
⚠️The silent threat of being discarded at any moment can create intensity just as finding so many things in common at once can. ⚠️
Unpredictability in any type of relationship can make you feel that way, and that feeling can be a trauma response to being abandoned or neglected in the past. If you have chronically dealt with folks whose love and presence were entirely conditional and performance-based, who sometimes waxed cold without warning even when you thought you were doing all the right things, chances are you're susceptible to the abovementioned tactics because of the unmet relational needs of acceptance and emotional safety. 🫥👻
I thought I outgrew that, but this experience showed me that I have a ways to go. I'm healing it now so I never go through life again wondering why I never belonged or why I was never "worthy." 💚🎈
And, I'm sharing this lesson with you so you, too, can remember that you deserve the fun, deep, genuine, and consistent connections you seek! You deserve the emotionally safe community you are seeking, too.
