01/10/2021
The past three days I’ve been unlearning and learning how to grieve in ways that are authentic to me. It’s been a wild ride, feeling my feelings as they come up, noticing my tendency to try to create meaning and sense out of things that don’t make sense. Becoming aware of the shame that arises, my conditioned fear of being vulnerable, because when I expressed vulnerability in the past I was met with: ridicule, indifference, misunderstanding, anger, irritation.
After years of therapy I now know the causes and conditions that bring these responses to vulnerability, the intergenerational transmission of colonial coping mechanisms… oh, here I go trying to explain things away again instead of just feeling them.
And, I will say, in recent years, as I’ve gently started to accept and embrace my vulnerability, and feel more comfortable (never completely comfortable) letting it show, I have been met with really powerful holding in community. Acceptance of my expression of grief. Embracing of me being authentic to me in my overflow of feelings.
I am learning to accept that I feel sooo much. I feel so much it overwhelms me. My immediate response is to go into self-loathing or self-doubting mode: “Why am I like this?” My partner tells me it isn’t a bad thing—it’s good to be someone who feels. On a deep level, a lot of what is wrong with the world is that not enough people feel. Even if they have these feelings within them, they don’t allow themselves to feel. Or they only feel fear which manifests as disgust, hate, and violence.
I started a new job recently and they allowed me to take 3 days off for my grief. I didn’t have to explain anything or fill out any forms to prove I am grieving. This was healing for me.
During this time I was able to also hold space for folks who were grieving in a slightly different way, but the energy of those who feel so much (empathy, compassion, hope and hopelessness, tenderness, the activation of old wounds, awe when others can relate) is remarkably similar and it just felt like a mirror.
Humans are social animals and our capacity to mirror and empathize with each other is powerful.
I hope you, too, can grieve what you need to.