29/03/2024
On the other side… again & again….
Pain Pain…
Staring at the red lights blinking on the skyline… as the city falls asleep… the planes have stopped landing… the port still looks bright and active… the hospital entrance stays still…
Staring through the window… a city when the night comes to an end… sleep close by yet seems far away.
A prick here & there,
A ni**le here & there,
A burn here & there,
A bruise here & there,
A sharp jab here & there.
Staring at my reflections on the window… wondering if should I call it pain…
momentary stillness eases some…
movement eases some…
sitting eases some…
lying eases some…
walking eases some…
Staring at the nurses bell, should I ask for an ..done or a ta…..dol (pain killers - a topic for another day - can you truly kill pain…)
The mind struggles…
The opioid conflicts…
The breath wavers…
The voice trembles…
The head nods…
Staring at the phone as the last 48 hours roll by… many a thought passes by… I will be stripped literally…
Even at the house of god we dress our best…
But at the house of doctors all lay bare…
Reminds me back of the humility, trust and respect…. as one dons the scrubs…
Fears, trepidation and vulnerability as one lays horizontal…
Confidence, compassion and care by the vertical other…
Staring back at the day a few months ago, when discomfort struck out of nowhere… writhing on the floor and chair… nothing made it better… morphine injection, hours latter provided some relief for a few moments… CT scan shows a stone… a relief for now it is known… what caused the pain…
Staring back at the scan wondering what about the one on the other side with no pain… Leave it or get it… out…
As the adage goes, leave no stone unturned… so it leads to the last 24 hours…
A puncture in my elbow to get a plastic tube in the vein … fails… try the other hand… all good… we will get a bigger one and one in the artery, an catheter down, a tube down the throat, puncture your back…
Staring at the white ceiling with sticky eyes half open…
Don’t remember a thing… the magic of anaesthesia… four and half hours under…
I lay still for every movement feels stiff and hurts a bit…
A jab on the left reminds me it is all done…
A twinge all over reminds me of the tubes there or was there…
A prick on the right reminds me of another painful story of life… ten days ago…
A pressure on the calf, the only soothing sensation as it comes on for a few seconds every minute or so… as to keep the blood flowing back…
Staring at the mirror, what starts as a twinge in the back- moved it the wrong way… feels like a bruise but with no bruise visible… it feels like a nerve is irritated… days pass by unchanged, every night is a different one…
As the chest wall is chained with pain…
The brain is unchained… with mind all lose…
Is it the spinal cord, the lung, the vertebrae…
By now the mind runs wild- is it a crush fracture, is it the C word again, is it the cord myelitis (a type of inflammation of the spinal cord) or MS. It’s all in the mind…
In my dreams working out what next… debating between X-ray, CT or MRI of the spine, chest or lung…
In a few hours I wear a lead gown- should I or not…
One friend screamed, has anyone examined the chest. I lift my shirt, four days latter a red rash with few scattered blisters in the front and back… a sigh of relief… painful as it sounds…
Pain pain…
When I know
Who you are
What you are
Where you are
More importantly
Why you are…
A sigh of relief though you remain unabated and painful as ever…
But so very often I find not the answers for the above… the invisible cloak of pain…
Staring at the nurses bell, the night sky, the city lights, waiting for the light of dawn…
the quest goes on…
