31/08/2026
“I’m the one who died, not you. You need to start living.”
When my grandmother was sick, I found myself deeply in denial.
I remember being called into a meeting with a junior doctor and a sister. They told us that they had done everything within their power for my granny and that we needed to prepare ourselves for anything.
But I did not hear what they were really saying.
Instead, I started telling them about my plans. I was going to find a caregiver for when she was discharged. Because she had problems with her lungs and breathing, I would arrange oxygen for her. I would make sure she received proper nutrition, medication and everything else she needed.
In my mind, my grandmother was coming home.
A few days later, we were called into another meeting. This time, it was with the senior doctor, I think she was told about our counselling session and my denial and as her treating doctor, decided to give me another session but Boogie was hearing none of what was said in that session . She repeated what had already been said in the first meeting. We were told to contact family members who were close to my grandmother and ask them to come and see her because anything could happen.
But still, I was asking about organisations that could help me find a caregiver.
Looking back now, I realise how much denial I was in. They were preparing me for my grandmother’s crossing over, but I was preparing for her discharge.
That is who I am during a crisis. I become a problem solver. I manage everything. I look for solutions. I am a crisis manager , and I do not give up easily, especially on the people I love.
So, in my mind, uMa was going to make it.
During that week, on the Wednesday, I dreamt that I had lost her. In the dream, I was hysterical. I could not cope, and people had to hold me together. I told my husband about the dream, and in the early hours of Friday morning, the hospital called to tell us that my grandmother was no more.
And just like that, survival mode took over.
I went to fetch my mother. We went to my grandmother’s home, and the days that followed became about arrangements, responsibilities and making sure that everybody else was okay. My mother depended on me to remember to eat, to move and to get through what needed to be done.
There was no time to fall apart.
Now that I am slowly regaining consciousness and processing everything, I realise that even my guides were preparing me. That dream showed me that I would need to be held. And because I was the one holding everyone else, my guides sent people to hold me.
A few days after my grandmother passed, I looked at my yard and realised that it had been neglected.
My grandmother was very particular about a clean yard. Even when she visited my home, she would find herself removing weeds and tending to something outside. So, on that day, I went into the garden and started pulling out the weeds, cleaning the yard and trying to mend what had been neglected.
And that is where I heard her say:
“I’m the one who died, not you. You need to start living.”
Those words slowly brought me back.
I started trying to work again. I continued seeing my clients and creating healing circles. I tried to be present for my children, to provide for them and to return to the person I am meant to be.
It has not been easy.
Sometimes I feel as though I am the most dramatic person in my family when it comes to grieving my grandmother. One day, I asked my mother, “Did you know that I loved uMa this much?”
She said she had always known.
She knew that a week would never pass without me checking on my grandmother. She knew there was no way I could stay away from her home for too long. She knew that I always wanted uMa to be okay and that I would do everything within my power to care for her.
Sometimes grief reveals the depth of a love we did not even know how to measure while the person was still here.
I knew that I loved my grandmother, but I had no idea that losing her would feel like losing a part of myself.
Still, I have no regrets.
I loved her while she was here. I checked on her. I showed up for her. I tried to take care of her. Even in my denial, I was still fighting for her. At a time when my finances were challenging, I was already planning a caregiver, oxygen, medication and proper nutrition.
How I was going to afford it was not even part of my thinking.
One thing about me: when my intentions are pure, I do not begin by looking at my bank balance. I begin with the conviction that something must be done, and somehow, God, my guides, the Holy Spirit and my higher self have always helped me find a way.
Years ago, a client came to me carrying deep grief. She was grieving differently from her siblings, and at the time, I did not truly understand grief like now , I referred her to a sister healer who could hold her in a way that I could not.
Today, that same woman has become a close part of my life, and she is now one of the people holding space for me.
Life has a way of bringing things full circle.
People who have experienced loss have held me with so much compassion because they understand that grief has no timetable. It does not look the same for everyone. It comes in waves, and sometimes it finds you in a garden, pulling weeds and remembering the hands that once did the same thing.
I will grieve my grandmother for as long as I need to. I will not rush myself, and I will not apologise for the depth of my grief because it speaks to the depth of my love.
But grief is also bringing me clarity.
I have realised that one of the things that caused my grandmother so much suffering was that she rarely stood up and spoke about the things that were hurting her. She would keep quiet, avoid ruffling feathers and simply continue doing what needed to be done.
I do not say this from a place of judgement. I understand the generation she came from and the ways women were taught to survive. Sometimes silence was how they kept the family together. Sometimes carrying everything without complaining was considered strength.
But I want to do things differently.
I want to stand up for the truth, even when the truth makes people uncomfortable. I want to speak about the dysfunction so that it can be acknowledged and dealt with instead of being silently passed from one generation to the next.
This is not because I believe I am better than anyone. It is not coming from superiority. It is coming from enlightenment, discernment and a deeper understanding of my role within my family.
I understand that standing for the truth comes with a price, and I am willing to pay that price.
Perhaps part of honouring my grandmother is not only remembering how she lived, but also having the courage to change the things that caused her pain. Perhaps my responsibility is to take the love, strength and wisdom she gave me and use them to interrupt the patterns she was not able to confront.
Grief is guaranteed in this life. We will lose people, and one day, people will lose us. But love does not disappear when someone crosses over. It changes form. It becomes memory, guidance, responsibility and the quiet voice that reminds us to keep living.
My grandmother left me with responsibilities, but she also left me with strength.
So, I am taking each day as it comes. I am slowly returning to myself, not because I have stopped missing her, but because I now understand that continuing to live, speaking the truth and doing things differently are also ways of honouring her.
uMa died, I did not.
And so, with her love still inside me, I must live.
I just thought I should pour my heart out.
Love and light. 🤍
Healing with Boogie 🍃
