09/08/2022
On being a child's answer- the message is, "I will always hold onto you."
As a parent we can doubt our self and look outward for guidance, on how to handle tricky situations and relationships. We can get overwhelmed with the sea of information in parenting books, online and from other people. Somewhere along the way we may have lost that deep connection, and the attachment may be wobbly. When we are in secure attachment with our self and our child, we realise we are the answer. We are enough.
I've just listened to Dr. Gordon Neufeld's interview on The Biology of Trauma Summit 2.0
with .repost
• • • • • •
“It’s MY job to hold on to you.”
Togetherness is so, so important. Togetherness should always be our message.
“Nothing will be able to separate you from my love. I will always hold on to you.”
Love withdrawal is, "I can't be your friend if you're going to be like that," then sending the child to the room. When separation is a consequence, no matter what its form and ultimatums, this is traumatic for a child. This is what leads to problems because togetherness is it.
The main thing, always, always, when there is something that comes between us, is what I call “bridging.” We have to find a way over it, to preserve the relationship. Our challenge is, "I'm still your dad, I'm still your mom. We'll be okay.” “No, that wasn't an okay thing, the way you treated your sister here, but we're okay. We'll get through this." And you bridge it, to show that togetherness.
“I'm holding on to you. I will hold on to you. It doesn't sever our relationship.” That is the most significant thing to learn.
What child is going to hold on to us if we don't hold on to them? They need to know in times of trouble. That is when they need to know most. It doesn't mean we can't throw an infraction flag. But the next thing that comes out of our mouth is, “We're okay, I'm looking forward to having dinner with you,” etc. We put the focus on the next connection. We say, “This will not come between us. No, we're okay.” That is the most important thing.
[Excerpt from Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s talk “The Importance of Being A Child’s Answer” at the Biology of Trauma™
