15/11/2020
Mums, don't hesitate to ask for help if you feel like this.
If you've experienced a perinatal mental health issue like anxiety, depression or psychosis, you'll know it's often hard to describe exactly how it feels. When you're in the thick of it, this can make it make it even harder to explain to loved ones, or even health professionals.
Because sometimes you just don't have the words.
These words might help you start that conversation.
It's feeling like your heart fell out and you don't know where you left it.
It's panic that grips you, around the throat, until you're gasping for air.
It's smiling, smiling, smiling - careful, so careful, not to drop that mask, not to let anyone know you're struggling.
It's answering "I'm fine", when you're drowning, because no one else seems to find motherhood this hard?
It's posting "We're so in love!" on your page even though you look at your beautiful, perfect baby - and feel nothing.
It's wanting to ask for help but thinking, "I'm just tired. I just need to sleep. I'll feel better when I get some sleep."
It's scary, intrusive thoughts that take your breath away with their intensity - and leave you wondering, "Am I going crazy?"
It's sitting in a mothers' group, surrounded by other mums and babies and feeling the loneliest you've ever been.
It's loving your baby fiercely, feeling a bond, a love you didn't know existed, but not being able to stop the tears.
It's hallucinations, delusions, not sleeping, mind racing, paranoia.
It's googling, "What Have I Done? Have I Ruined My Life?"
It's a dark, muddy, fog - no memory, can't find the right words, don't know who I am anymore.
It's anger that comes from nowhere, rage that takes you by surprise and leaves you with a racing heart and shaking hands and a deep, deep, guilt.
It's not being able to eat, or sleep, or enjoy anything that used to make your soul sing.
It's ignoring your friends' messages, no longer going to mothers' group, hiding away because you just don't have the energy to be social. And you're a burden, anyway. Right?
It's wondering if everyone would just be better off without you.
It's lying, curled in the fetal position, crying until your eyes and your lungs ache.
It's saying, "No, no I'm not," when a loved one, or a professional ask if you're OK.
It's saying, "I need help. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Can someone please help me?
Please?"
Beautiful art Art by Chloe Trayhurn
https://www.cope.org.au