29/03/2023
A core feature of unresolved complex trauma is having a distorted sense of ourselves while being riddled with toxic shame.
This is because we’re holding the bag for the entire system: our relationships, our families, our communities.
To overcome this inequity and what we’ve endured, we’ve tried to overcome it, out-run or out-smart it. We’ve tried and yet we couldn’t “fix it” because it’s impossible to metabolize shame that doesn’t belong to us. The body won’t allow it.
Part of healing means stopping the “fix” and feeling what is there. In my experience, the shame initially feels TRUE, “I am gross, not fit for this earth.” But when I go a little deeper, it starts to shift.
As I approach shame with a tiny bit of self-compassion, I can get a little more distance from it. Naming it can help take the sting out, allowing me to see it more objectively.
Once the shame starts to lessen, there are typically other feelings I don’t want to feel. Anger, sadness, fear. But allowing myself to feel them is what finally starts to release me. It’s what puts me back in a system in a “right sized” way, where I’m not carrying the ills for everyone, hoping they will finally take responsibility. I can metabolize the feelings that ARE mine.
I have to take responsibility for me. For the fact that I was trying to do everyone’s work for them. And this makes sense – as a trauma response – as a kid who couldn’t see her caregiver’s as deficient – for my own survival. I reacted in a way that allowed me to tolerate and survive a deeply dysfunctional environment. But now, I don’t have to carry their dysfunction inside of me. I can set it down, hand it back, release myself to more and more freedom over time.
What’s been helpful in facing the shame you have carried?
🌟Click the link in my bio to get a Free PDF of my Trauma Recovery Self-Care Toolbox, find my YouTube channel and my memoir, BELIEVING ME: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma. It’s helping countless others BELIEVE THEMSELVES.