12/10/2026
FROM THE CLINIC SHELF |
A child will give up being real before they give up being loved.
Gabor Maté describes two needs that every child has. Attachment — the connection, love and acceptance of the people raising them. And authenticity — being able to feel what they feel, say it, and act like themselves.
Most of the time those two sit together comfortably. The difficulty comes when they collide: when being honest about anger, or need, or sadness seems to put the relationship at risk. Faced with that, a child will almost always set aside the authenticity. It is not weakness, and it is not a mistake. For a child, connection is survival, and survival wins.
The problem is that the adaptation does not switch itself off. It carries into adult life as people-pleasing, as difficulty naming what you actually want, as a self that is easy to be around and strangely hard to locate.
Maté's argument is that the work of adulthood is reclaiming that authenticity — which does mean facing the fear of rejection that made you trade it away in the first place. What tends to follow is not less connection, but a less conditional kind.
Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal — on the shelf at the clinic.
Bowen Hills and telehealth. Link in bio.