30/05/2026
Defensiveness in conflict is ME ME ME
It is not WE WE WE...
And it may never be WE!
Defensiveness is childish and selfish.
We all do it at times, but constant defensiveness and never taking responsibility is a sign of immaturity.
It is a relationship liability and one of the 4 Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling and Defensiveness) of the Apocalypse (Gottman): These four indicators of the ending of a relationship.
Immaturity is not always helped by counselling either...
If your partner is defensive a lot then they may never own their behaviour (or part in creating conflict) and you can't argue with someone who won't own a part of themselves, minimises or lies to avoid punishment.
I hear this line a lot: "We have a great relationship, BUT WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT HARD THINGS!"
Importantly, immaturity is often avoidant, insecure attachment and it will take a LOT of WORK to improve with counselling.
In saying that, it is my experience that people doing the work will not follow through long enough to make changes.
When I say people, 99% of the time, they are males without good role models for manhood and usually have mother issues.
Phrases to look out for:
"It’s not my fault”
“You made me do it”
“You’re always bringing up the past”
“Fine, I just won’t talk to you”
“You’re overreacting”
“You're the problem.”
“That’s just how I am”
“If you loved me you would...'
'Here we go again. Always nagging/ never happy..."
Put yourself and your future first. Find a partner that thinks 'WE'...
Date an adult. You cannot change someone, no matter how much you love them. 'Potential' is not actual.
Metaphor: A sapling in a storm buckles easily.
😊
Ghita
Ghita Therapy
Counselling Currumbin