17/07/2026
In my experience PDA doesn't always show up as obvious avoidance. This post is for parents who have an identified PDA child.
Most literature describes two ways of looking at PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy), which can be distinguished by the way avoidance behaviours are expressed; an external and an internal presentation.
You might observe demand avoidance that shows up as...
🧡 A loud and clear "NO"!
PDA kids might say "No" or "I don't want to". Or they might communicate this through using other sounds or body language through growling, hissing, yelling, screaming, and fighting their way out of expectations.
It can also show up as...
🧡 A silent "no".
You might observe kids ignoring others, pretending not to hear, changing the subject, playing a character, acting silly, going quiet or mute, withdrawing, running away, hiding, or flighting their way out of expectations.
Both of these presentations have a negative effect on other people and are therefore picked up sooner or later.
But what if I told you that there is a third way it exists but you can't see it on the outside? This is very different and actually shows up as...
🧡 A "YES! Of course! I'll do whatever you tell me to do and more!".
These kids are often seen as the "good girl or boy". They are observed to be compliant, rule followers, overly caring, hard-working and perfectionistic. They will say sorry for things they didn't do. Inside their body screams NO and they feel incredibly anxious when they perceive a demand. These kids fawn their way out of expectations. And because it only costs them, and not other people, it rarely gets picked up.
But this seems like such a contradiction!
They are needing autonomy and yet, they put other people first?
Yep.
This was me.
As a child I did as I was told. Always.
I loved learning at school. My grades were mostly 8s, 9s or 10s (grades in NL go from 1-10). The teachers loved me. I was social and had friends. I didn't resist imposed demands. I did exactly what society expected of me. And more.
I completely adjusted myself to be what other people needed me to be. I did this so I would be liked. So I would never be considered 'less than'. So I wouldn't receive any criticism or judgment. So I would be equal. So I would never experience any power imbalance. Because that felt the most threatening to my autonomy.
Being perfect was also my way of equalising. It compensated for all those things I couldn't do...like I wet the bed until I was 8 or so. I felt so much shame about this. I struggled with food and had severe difficulties with sleep. I knew I was different, struggling with things other kids didn't seem impacted by. I was overwhelmed a lot. Cried often. I felt out of control of myself. And I needed to balance things. Fawning was the safest way for me to do this.
PDA is a survival drive for autonomy and equality that protects our highly sensitive bodies and minds that override basic needs.
Sometimes the safest way a PDA child knows how to protect themselves isn't by saying "no"—it's by becoming everything everyone else wants them to be.
In response to all the comments here is a quick summary and important note to avoid confusion about what I see as PDA and what my post is about:
All PDA kids have a similar internal experience; they feel threatened by a loss of autonomy and equality and protecting their autonomy overrides basic needs, such as toileting, hygiene, safety, eating and sleeping. As a result PDA kids struggle with many daily life demands.
Kids' survival responses to the loss of autonomy can show up in three different ways on the outside; Fight, flight/freeze and fawn. Not all fawning kids are PDA. However, some PDA kids can fawn and still be PDA underneath the "good girl behaviour". All PDA kids will have some struggles with basic needs to a point the parent thought about seeking medical help. If you didn't have struggles in these areas to that level, you probably aren't PDA. Fawning also can be an expression of RSD which often goes hand in hand with other Neurodivergent profiles, such as ADHD and Autism.
Please see the comments for more context about my life as a PDAer for people who are confused about how fawning relates to some experiences as a PDA child.
