Shelly Bean

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04/09/2026

Makeup on. Date off. So I took my own fine ass out instead. 😂

Drove an hour out of town, found myself a gorgeous little beachside spot, ate some excellent cake, wandered around in the sunshine AND SAW FU***NG DOLPHINS playing at the beach.

Honestly, Tinder Dude was going to have to work pretty damn hard to compete with all that anyway.

And for the record, he had a genuinely good reason for bailing, so this isn’t an episode of ‘online dating sucks’ (yet). I’ll get to that, and he and I will reschedule.

But anyway, I think there’s something delightful about not treating cancelled plans like your day has been cancelled too.

The makeup was already on.
The weather was gorgeous.
I wanted to go somewhere nice.

So off I fu***ng went.

Consider this your sign to take yourself on the date. And tell me: where are you going with your hot date?

02/09/2026

Tinder recently asked me to replace one of my selfies with a photo of me engaging in an activity I enjoy.

Unfortunately, the activities I enjoy most are taking selfies and fu***ng, and apparently neither of those is particularly helpful here.

So I went digging through my camera roll and found this gem from 2020, back when I had shorter hair, fewer tattoos, far less fu***ng perimenopause and a considerably greater tolerance for alcohol.

Judging by the photographic evidence, one of my hobbies was apparently sampling a great deal of beer.

I won’t be putting this photo on Tinder because it is six years and several hormonal identities out of date. Plus this is CRAFT BEER, and I would not want anybody to get that idea about me….

But it did get me thinking about pleasure...and all the completely non-s*xual things that make our bodies go F**K YES.

Great food. Sunshine on bare skin. Fresh sheets. Floating in the ocean. The first sip of coffee. A ridiculously hot bath. Music that hits in exactly the right place. Giggling maniacally with your favourite people (which is precisely what was happening at the time of this photo).

Pleasure doesn’t begin and end with s*x. And noticing what feels good in the ordinary moments is part of learning your body, your desires and what makes you feel properly alive.

So tell me: what’s one completely non-s*xual thing that makes your body go F**K YES?

Bonus points if you’d be happy putting a photo of yourself doing it on Tinder.

We’ve been taught to treat or**sm like the five-star review of s*x.⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Everybody came. Excellent s*xual experienc...
01/09/2026

We’ve been taught to treat or**sm like the five-star review of s*x.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Everybody came. Excellent s*xual experience. Definitely coming back again.

Except…that tells me almost nothing about whether the s*x was actually good.

Were you present?

Did you feel safe?

Could you say what you wanted without worrying about how it would be received?

Could you change your mind?

Could you laugh when something went sideways instead of feeling like you’d ruined the moment?

Did you feel connected to the person(s) you were with?

Did you actually experience pleasure...or were you so busy trying to get an or**sm, give someone an or**sm, perform well, stay hard, get wet, look s*xy, make the right noises or do s*x “properly” that you barely noticed what your body was experiencing?

Or**sm and pleasure are not synonyms.

And I wholeheartedly believe that our obsession with or**sm as the measure of s*xual satisfaction has made a lot of us worse at actually experiencing pleasure.

Pleasure requires presence.

It requires enough emotional safety to pay attention to your body. Enough communication to say more of that, less of that, yes, no, not like that, I’ve changed my mind. Enough freedom from performance that you can actually notice what truly fu***ng feels good.

And that doesn’t start when your clothes come off.

Your capacity for pleasure is something you can practise everywhere.

Good food. Warm sun. Music. Touch. Laughter. Rest. Movement. Affection. Connection. The tiny moments that make your body go, ohhhh YES, I like being here. And here. And there.

The more intimately you know your own pleasures, the easier it becomes to recognise what pleasure means to you, communicate it and create more of it in your s*x life too.

So yes, or**sms are fu***ng fabulous. Highly recommend.

But they’re one possible part of a pleasurable s*xual experience.

They’re not the entire fu***ng scoreboard.

Sexual Pleasure, Sexual Wellbeing, Sexual Connection, Sexual Intimacy, Sexual Communication

There’s a difference between compromise in a relationship and abandoning yourself to keep one.And from the outside? They...
27/08/2026

There’s a difference between compromise in a relationship and abandoning yourself to keep one.

And from the outside? They can look exactly the fu***ng same.

You can change your plans. Make accommodations. Prioritise your partner sometimes. Choose something you wouldn’t have chosen on your own.

None of that automatically means you have unhealthy boundaries.

The difference is whether you’re making a choice…or overriding your own needs, boundaries and desires because saying no doesn’t feel safe.

Healthy compromise still leaves room for you.

Self-abandonment requires you to disappear.

That’s the bit worth paying attention to.

Save this for the next time you find yourself wondering: “Am I compromising… or am I betraying myself?”

26/08/2026

Setting healthy boundaries does not guarantee that everybody is going to be fu***ng happy about them.

And I think we need to talk about that more.

Because so much advice about boundaries focuses on how to communicate them:

Be clear.
Be kind.
Use the right words.
Stay calm.
Explain your needs.

All useful.

But none of it gives you control over how another person responds.

You can communicate a boundary beautifully and still disappoint someone.

You can say no kindly and they can still be pi**ed off.

You can explain exactly what you need in a relationship and they can still wish you needed something different.

Their response is not automatically evidence that your boundary was wrong.

And for recovering people pleasers, THIS is where setting boundaries can get really fu***ng hard.

Because saying no is one skill.

Letting somebody be disappointed by your no without immediately abandoning yourself to make them feel better is another one entirely.

Healthy relationships require room for both.

I get to decide what I’m available for.

You get to have feelings about it.

I can care about those feelings without making them mine to manage.

That isn’t selfishness.

That’s emotional responsibility.

And learning to hold a boundary even when somebody doesn’t like it?

That’s self-trust.

Save this for the next time somebody’s reaction has you questioning a perfectly reasonable boundary.

*xualempowerment

Your body said no.And then somehow, you heard yourself say yes.What the f**k happened in between?Sometimes your body kno...
24/08/2026

Your body said no.

And then somehow, you heard yourself say yes.

What the f**k happened in between?

Sometimes your body knows what you want before you’ve consciously put words to it.

The tension. The clench. The pulling away. That quiet little nope.

Then your brain gets involved:

Don’t make it awkward.
They’ll be disappointed.
You’re being difficult.
It’s easier to just go along with it.

Then comes:

I don’t want to hurt them.
What if they think I don’t care?
What if saying no changes things between us?*

And suddenly your boundary has become something you need to justify, negotiate or ignore.

If you’ve spent years people-pleasing, prioritising other people’s needs or overriding your own desires, it can become really fu***ng difficult to recognise what you actually want.

Healthy boundaries aren’t just about getting better at saying no.

They’re about body awareness, self-trust and learning to recognise your own wants and desires before you talk yourself out of them.

Sometimes the boundary was there all along.

You just got really fu***ng good at overriding it.

Save this for the next time your mouth says yes when your body is saying no.

Follow for more on boundaries, desire, self-trust, intimacy and relationships.

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St Kilda, VIC

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