23/11/2025
Creating and maintaining boundaries is essential to protect our wellbeing as it sets expectations and communicates our needs to others. We typically hope that others will respect our boundaries no matter what, but this is often not the case. Some people can push our boundaries (intentionally or unintentionally) which can lead to a range of negative emotions.
➡ The best way to create and maintain boundaries:
Step 1: Identify the boundary that has been crossed
👀 pay attention to what you are thinking and feeling (thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations). What has the person said or done that has made us react this way? Identifying what boundary has been pushed or crossed, and then how it has made you feel, is important.
Step 2: Communicate using “I feel” statements
🗣️ begin to communicate the emotion you are feeling so that the other person can understand what is going on and what boundary has been crossed. "I feel" statements are a respectful way of sharing the impact of that boundary being compromised.
Step 3: Acknowledge the needs of the other person
👂 acknowledging the other person's needs is also important, and it also shows them that you understand where they are coming from, whilst still reinforcing your boundaries.
Step 4: Clarify any consequences
🤏 communicate (not with ultimatums or threats) what will happen if the boundary is crossed again. This will help the other person to understand the importance of this boundary for you, and what might happen if they continue to push against it.
Optional: Set a compromise
🤝 compromising is an option to feel like we are meeting the other person halfway, but only if we feel comfortable doing so. We are entitled to set a boundary without it involving a compromise.
➡ So...what does it look like in action?
Your friend continually brings up something embarrassing you did at a party last weekend while sitting with a group at lunch time.
😳😶🌫️You might notice that your face feels warm and flushed, and your hands start shaking while thoughts begin running through your mind; “I can’t believe she's telling everyone when I told her not to....I swore her to secrecy because I was so embarrassed, now everyone else knows”
➡ You might consider setting a boundary like this:
“I want to talk to you about what you said at lunchtime about what happened last weekend. I feel anxious when you bring it up with others because the situation was something I feel embarrassed about. I know at the time I laughed it off and was laughing with you, which might have given you the impression that I thought it was funny and not embarrassing. However, I really don't want to discuss it with other people or see/hear their reactions. So, if it's brought up again in a group setting, I will need to remove myself from the group. If it's something that comes up in conversation between us privately, that's okay, but otherwise I would like it to stop being a topic of conversation with others."
