11/18/2022
I got back from an Ayahuasca retreat about 2 weeks ago. I get asked the questions frequently about why I do it and what do I get out of it. Frankly…I’ve been asking myself those same questions all during the process, because quite honestly, it’s hard….and arduous….and discombobulating. There is no grand transformation that is ushered in with beams of light and song. In fact, it can be much like trudging through what I envision hell to be with a backpack of rocks. It can be hard to put words to the experience and then to get your feet under you when you leave the safety of ceremony. So why do it? Because if you ever;
- had that feeling that there must be something inherently wrong with you because you dont experience things like others do;
- meditated, chanted, ate right, worked out, spent time in nature…..did all the things only to feel like its a house built on sand that gets washed away with the tide;
- are perpetually at the mercy of your own defences, emotions, beliefs, judgements, personality quirks, mental illness and blocks…..and all the other things traditional therapy address.
- are completely fu***ng unconscious to all of the above and the many layers that they have
I was chasing something that I didnt even know what “it” was. In the beginning, “it” was simply relief from all of the above. AT this point, “it” is experienced when I get really quiet and make a conscious effort to listen. “It” is experienced as a whisper when my internal noise gets loud. “It” is the feel of a mothers embrace when you fall down. “It” is an internal knowing that surpasses all accumulated knowledge. “It” is a connection to something that provides everything that I will ever need……and never got. “It” is a new thing for me…..that I never knew existed. So whatever name I want to attach to “it”….be it God, source, Gaia, essence…..whatever; I keep doing the work to strengthen my connection with it.
