03/18/2026
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One of the most common things I hear in my clinic sounds like this:
“I want s*x more than my partner.”
“I feel rejected.”
“I feel pressured.”
And both people walk in thinking the problem is s*x.
But most of the time, the real issue is something called desire discrepancy — when two partners simply have different levels of s*xual interest.
And here’s the important part: this is incredibly common.
Research shows that most long-term relationships experience desire discrepancy at some point.
Yet when it happens, couples often assume something is broken:
• “My partner doesn’t want me.”
• “Something must be wrong with my libido.”
• “Our relationship is failing.”
So they start counting.
How often are we having s*x?
How often should we be having s*x?
Who initiates more?
But the pain in these relationships usually isn’t actually about the number of s*xual encounters per week.
It’s about:
• feeling wanted
• feeling pressured
• feeling desired
• feeling like you’re failing your partner
• feeling like you’re not enough
When we reduce intimacy to a scoreboard, we miss the real conversation.
Desire discrepancy isn’t a sign your relationship is broken.
It’s a signal that something deeper needs to be understood.
And the good news?
This is a solvable problem when you understand what’s actually happening.
I wrote about the psychology, science, and what couples can do about it in today’s Substack.
If this dynamic feels familiar in your relationship, you’re not alone — and you’re not broken.
Read the full article on Substack
https://substack.com/?r=1eofzy&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=profile&shareImageVariant=image