10/21/2026
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1528235859343463&id=100064711894680
A lot of children who appear self-assured or outgoing are often regarded as âself-confident.â They may be, but that is not to say that they donât have unmet emotional needs, or good self-esteem. Self-confidence and self-esteem often go hand in hand, but just as often, they do not.
Part of the problem is that âself-confidenceâ and âself-esteemâ are rather subjective. Thereâs no universal definition of either, much less ways of measuring them. So, what is the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem?
There are some important distinctions between self-confidence and self-esteem:
The first thing about confidence is that while a person can be self-confident, there are huge variables. For example, some people are terribly unconfident about public speaking whereas some are super-confident. In other words, confidence is a by-product of the âhuman doing.â
While thereâs an interactive relationship between confidence and self-esteem, the latter is less about what we do, and more about who we are - the human being. What we do is fluid and ever-changing⊠who we are is not.
So if you want to develop your childrenâs confidence, the quickest win is skills development; help them get stronger at something, to feel more competent and capable. That can certainly be good for self-esteem as well, but donât assume that the âconfidentâ kids automatically have good self-esteem.
There is a very simple way of understanding self-esteem that can take a lot of head-scratching out. It starts by no longer thinking of it as one fluffy, woolly âthing,â but a collection of component parts. The model created by Dr. Elizabeth Morris (published E. A. Morris) defines; âOur self-esteem is how positively or negatively we feel about ourselves. It is the value we put upon ourselves as a unique and valuable human âbeingâ rather than a human âdoingâ.
It depends on how well we know ourselves, the extent to which we believe we are accepted and loved for ourselves and on our belief that we can exert an influence on other people and the world.â
In this description, there are actually 3 âdevelopable,â but simple aspects:
1) The Sense of Self: i.e. A personâs sense of identity, a connection to the physical self, and an awareness of who they are; their likes, dislikes, personality.
You can help strengthen childrenâs sense of self by supporting them to use their senses and their body, their strength, their flexibility, to fill space, to be noisy. Help them explore their likes and dislikes, their strengths, weaknesses, preferences and personality. Children spend a lot of their lives learning who they are (or are believed to be) from other people, encourage their involvement in being the person who shapes their own identity.
2) A Sense of Personal Power: i.e. Believing oneself to have agency, feeling competent and having a sense of influence on the world.
Reinforcing childrenâs sense of personal power is about practicing autonomy, which is why I make a big deal of giving children choice - if for no other reason than to strengthen the internal view of themselves as a decision-maker, the master of their own ship. Mindless compliance and quiet obedience might serve their grown-ups, but it doesnât serve the child.
3) A Sense of Belonging: i.e. A personâs belief that they are valued for who they are and that theyâre accepted and loved for themselves.
As appropriate as it can be to our role and relationship with them, we canât love children enough. We canât be too kind, too accepting, or too compassionate. People might tell us as parents that weâre creating indulged, over-dependent children. And of course we can do that. But not by âloving themâ or âcaringâ too much. Thatâs not to say we donât practice boundaries or teach social skills of self-management strategies etc. We must respond to the unique individuals that they are, with all their human flaws and imperfections as well. We donât achieve that by only accepting them into our lives, on conditional statement like:
âYou only belong here, if....â
âYou are only welcome here, if...â
âYou are only wanted in my world, if.âŠ.
When kids grow up believing that they are loved and accepted unconditionally, they also learn they are lovable, and acceptable, unconditionally. They then set standards for how they expect to be treated by others in their lives and how they themselves treat others. If we want them to insist that kindness or loyalty are central in their relationships, it starts with our kindness. If we want them to value their worth enough to set and protect their boundaries with others, it starts with how we respect and value them.
đ„ Written by one of Neuro's Brain Trust members, Jo Stockdale https://wellwithinreach.co.uk/blog/
