09/23/2026
Grief: You Have to do the Work
We hear this phrase all the time when someone is grieving, but what does that really mean? How does someone do the work? What happens if you don’t do the work? What if you don’t do the work properly?
Doing the work means that when you are grieving you will naturally experience a period of adjustment. In this adjustment phase, you will experience emotions and feelings associated with your loss. Essentially, doing the work is about letting in the emotions when they surface even if they bring with them painful feelings and memories.
When you suppress or distract yourself away from these authentic emotions that surface, you will extend and complicate the grieving process. Shoving down or pushing away painful emotions may work in the short term, but because our bodies and brains need to process these experiences, grief will continue to show up even if we don’t want it too.
With relationships come memories, hopes for the future, and dreams of a shared life. When someone we love dies, we have to learn to adjust to a life where they only exist in our past. When these memories, hopes and dreams come to the surface, we feel the reality of our loss which evokes emotional pain.
There is no right or wrong way to do the work. If you begin your grief journey by allowing in the emotions that naturally come without judging them, you will see that they naturally come and go, and their intensity and frequency should lessen over time. The period of time you experience these emotions will depend on the relationship you had with your loved one, the type of loss, and your ability to accept these emotions. If you can imagine that the feelings you experience are natural responses to losing a loved one, then you will slowly learn to adjust and rebuild your life. With time and patience, healing will begin, but facing these uncomfortable emotions is needed. And it will be worth doing the work.
Margaret Lorrie Beaton, MA, C. Hyp
Bereavement Counsellor
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