03/18/2026
In DBT we speak less about setting boundaries and more about observing limits.
❓ What is the difference?
Limits are personal- we have our own limits and observe our own limits- each person has their own and we are not to judge other people's (clients or therapists) limits.
💥 We do not set limits as much (but if we do we clearly communicate them) but observe our own reactions and body sensations as we interact with someone and communicate what we need from that (our limits).
Boundaries are often seen as permanent, and other people "cross" or "push" your boundaries. They can have more of a pejorative feel. Boundaries can feel like preset rules, like giant walls.
💖 We are mindful of our own limits, which may change over our lifetime and what is happening in our life (career, responsibilities, health). Our limits are about our own unique capacity and need.
While raising three young kids I have more limits than when I didn't have them- both in my personal life and as a therapist.
For example, when I did not have children, my husband and I would host a lot of people over for dinner and coffee, especially those who did not have any family around.
Now we have scaled back as we observe those limits, but we do value what we are able to do in our younger years together, when our energy and capacity was different, but we do not judge ourselves now for having different limits.
In DBT, one principle is that we try not to condemn, judge or penalize others for wanting more than we can give (I say try as we are all judgemental from time to time and make mistakes) - we assume that everyone is trying their best.
✔️ We notice our own limits and take ownership for them and it is our job to communicate them. It is important for them to know we are human and have limits and to honestly communicate this to others.
One key understanding about DBT is that others often need more that we are able to give. That's not their fault, and at the same time we may not be able to meet those needs for them (as we observe our own limits) and if that is the case it's important to be honest with the other person while also being compassionate.
You can liken it to a burn survivor isn't properly treated in a small local hospital- they need a trauma 1 centre- and if there is no centre like that they may suffer.
That other hospital may be another program, therapist, therapy modality, friend, or community group. We can communicate empathetically and validate their needs and wants for further contact or relationship, or help even if we cannot give it to them, or it is out of reach to them.
What is important is to observe our own limits and capacity, rather than burn out, lash out or judge the other person.
www.emotionwise.ca/dbt to learn more about our DBT services.
emotionwise.janeapp.com
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