05/09/2026
Same goes for us adults. Having compassion for ourselves and others is so important
Imagine you're planning to make lasagna for supper, or something similarly complicated. You go to the store and buy all the ingredients, take the meat out of the freezer, and then you go to work.
But then work didn't go the way you expected. You were short-staffed, you spent all day on your feet, a coworker was rude to you, and you didn't have time to eat your lunch. When you get home, you're exhausted and starving. You now can't imagine spending an hour making lasagna and then cleaning up afterward. So.. you ACCOMMODATE yourself and order a pizza.
You didn't forget how to make lasagna. You still have all the ingredients for lasagna. You can make lasagna tomorrow. You might even technically WANT to make lasagna. You just don't have the capacity for it right now.
But you aren't lazy for not making lasagna. Nobody tells you that you are being manipulative or that you just need more discipline because you decided to order pizza. Adults extend themselves grace for exactly this kind of capacity shift all the time.
People's abilities don't have one steady baseline. They shift and change constantly, on multiple overlapping timescales, and the pattern is different for everyone.
This is called fluctuating capacity.
For some people, fluctuating capacity means they might handle a complex task one day and then struggle with basic self-care the next, or move between different levels of functioning within the same day, the same hour, even the same conversation.
Within a single day, capacity rises and falls based on accumulated demands, sensory input, food, hydration, transitions, and how much masking or effort someone has already done.
Day to day, sleep quality, what happened the day before, whether they are feeling well, where they are in their cycle, if applicable, and lingering effects from a big event can all change what is available.
Capacity depends on factors like sleep, sensory load, accumulated demands, illness, hormonal cycles, emotional state, environment, and how much the person has already had to mask or push through that day.
In kids, fluctuating capacity often looks like a child who can do something one moment and genuinely cannot do that same thing a short time later. The skill hasn't disappeared, but their access to it has.
A child who had a great Monday can be wiped out on Tuesday from the cost of that good day.
For kids, this could show up in various ways
✱ A kid who can write a full paragraph on Monday stares at a blank page on Wednesday and cannot get a single sentence out.
✱ A child who normally tolerates the tag in their shirt but then suddenly cannot bear it. Sensory thresholds can shift with capacity.
✱ A child who sometimes handles self-care tasks like brushing teeth, getting dressed, putting on shoes, but other times doesn't
✱ Language can also come and go. A kid who chats freely in the morning might give one-word answers by afternoon
These are all situations that involve the same kid, same skill, but different available capacity. Just like in the lasagna analogy.
When capacity fluctuates, you might notice skills requiring executive function, planning, sequencing, starting tasks, switching activities, are often times the first to go. Or, you might see emotional regulation drops, like crying or becoming frustrated more easily/quickly.
When adults don't recognize what's going on, this might feel confusing or frustrating. They might think the child is being lazy, or manipulative, or attention-seeking, or maybe it's a regression, or a behavior problem, or they're simply choosing not to what you want or expect.
But, it's none of those things.
They're still just a child doing the best they can with what they have in the moment, but in this moment, their nervous system has less to give, so skills are going offline.
We can't treat kids' best moments as their baseline. That is actually the ceiling, and the ceiling moves.
