10/03/2023
I recently had a memory pop up on Facebook. I immediately became flooded with emotions, sat down and wrote out some of the thoughts I was having. It wasn’t until after I posted it that I realized I was off by two years. I quickly deleted the post, feeling stupid that I missed that important detail. It’s not stupid though, and although I may have missed the date by two years, my message and story are still important to tell. So, here’s my original post, two years off… this actually happened in 2015 but this memory if from 2013 🩷 these photos are from this time of my life, just to show you cannot judge a person from how the seem on the outside 🩷
That one time, ten (8!) years ago, when I finally found the strength to decide to leave my abusive relationship and come home. 🤍 Could not have done it with out you Kara Hughes
Let’s shed some insight on one of thee most ignorant questions asked to women in abusive relationships…
“Why don’t you just leave?”
My personal answer is fear, a very strong trauma bond, and a deep rooted desire to not have my daughter come from “a broken home” (among many other reasons)
I did everything in my power to “save” the relationship.
But there’s no saving someone who sees only faults in you and not in themselves.
The straw that broke the camels back was when we were laying in bed, I was cuddling with Arianna, and I calmly asked him (for the 1000th time!) if we could go to couples counselling.
I had sought help for my mental health for a few years prior to this moment. My mental state became so unstable that the only way I saw out of the relationship was through some freak accident that would not only take my life, but my daughters also.
That was the only way I saw out.
I’ll repeat this again… the only way my brain could find peace in this chaos, was death; and for not just me. There was no way I could leave my baby with him either. So we both would have to die. But not at my hands, never at my own hands.
I used to pray to the gods I didn’t believe in to send a semi across the highway as we were driving, or maybe a plane could fall out of the sky. Anything. Literally any form of random accident.
I remember driving to my doctors, void of any form of feeling other than hollow & empty. I called my mother when I got there and bawled. I told her how I had been feeling and that I needed help. She encouraged me to ask about medication and that it was okay to get help.
My doctor put me on a heavy dose of anti depressants, and referred me to the clinics in house counsellor. I had a placebo effect almost immediately (although these meds take time to build and work). Within a month they were actually working and I was able to sit in this moment in our bed, asking him one last time if we could go to counselling….
His reply, that changed the trajectory of our lives, was “you’re the one taking the crazy pills, you’re the one that needs help”.
For the first time I saw what he was and what our life was and I knew that I was done. I didn’t fight back like I always did, I didn’t scoff, roll my eyes or react in any way.
A strange feeling of peace came over me as I realized this was not going to be my and my daughter life anymore.
He worked out of town at this time, so a day or so later he went back to work.
I called my mom and my sister, not sure who first, and I started to plan my exit.
I went to my sisters house, spent the weekend drinking wine, crying, getting advice, and plotting how and when to leave. I left about a week later.
The day I left is an entirely different story, that I will share, but for now, ten (8!) years later, sober, in a stable healthy relationship, all I have to say is
“The only thing I know is, I’m full of wounds, but I’m still standing”
If you are in an abusive relationship, there are many resources available, there are ways out, and most importantly just know, that you are NOT alone 🤍
