Corazón y Mente Counselling

19/09/2023

'Parental accountability would change our world.

When I shared this on Twitter, so many people said they cried just reading it.

A lot of people respond to my work with “parents aren’t perfect!” And this is true. Parents aren’t perfect. Humans aren’t perfect. All people hurt people. This is part of the human experience. It’s not about not hurting people, it’s just about accepting this will happen. It’s about listening.

It’s about showing someone you care enough to reflect on how it was for them *not you.*

Speaking vulnerably and owning our behavior is so important. Many people are afraid to do this. They’re so ashamed they don’t want to hear anything about the past.

So they deflect or deny by saying things like:
- “you’re remembering it wrong”
- “We all see the past differently”
- “You always had a big imagination”
- “You should just be grateful, I did so much for you”
- “Oh, sorry I’m a terrible person”
- “Can’t you focus on the now”
- “Move on!”

All this does is block the healing process.

Every person wants to have a close relationship to our parents. It’s our biology. It’s quite literally imprinted within us. The healing process can start at any time when we’re willing to be vulnerable. This is how we actually move forward.

How does this post feel in your body?' - The Holistic Psychologist

29/08/2023

'Is neurotypical really the norm?

We’ve been led to believe that neurotypical is the “correct” type of brain to have. We’ve been told that neurotypical is the norm; that the majority of the population have a certain type of brain and associated traits and behaviours, and the minority have a neurodivergent brain (anything but this so-called typical brain).

However, I believe (so this isn’t evidence-based, it’s my opinion) that there are just as many neurodivergent brains as there are neurotypical brains.

Could this be because I’m neurodivergent myself, and as a result, have been attracted to and surrounded myself with other neurodivergent people, skewing my view of the numbers? Perhaps 🤷🏽‍♀️

Some people wonder how there could possibly be so many more neurodivergent brains in the world all of a sudden. I saw a good meme about this. It likened this scenario to the discovery of new planets…we don’t think that they just appeared out of nowhere; we accept the fact that they’ve always been there, it’s just taken a long time to discover them (or they formed over billions of years, the analogy isn’t perfect 😅)

And why has it taken so long to discover all of the neurodiversity in this world? Maybe because a bunch of people back in the day decided what was typical or “normal”, spread that message like wildfire till it became social convention, and stigmatised all of the other beautiful neurotypes that we know exist today.

We haven’t just appeared out of nowhere. We’ve always been here. We now just feel comfortable enough to unmask and come out of hiding.

There’s still a stigma - we have a long way to go. But I’m pretty happy about the progress we’ve made so far.'

Is neurotypical really the norm?

We’ve been led to believe that neurotypical is the “correct” type of brain to have. We’ve been told that neurotypical is the norm; that the majority of the population have a certain type of brain and associated traits and behaviours, and the minority have a neurodivergent brain (anything but this so-called typical brain).

However, I believe (so this isn’t evidence-based, it’s my opinion) that there are just as many neurodivergent brains as there are neurotypical brains.

Could this be because I’m neurodivergent myself, and as a result, have been attracted to and surrounded myself with other neurodivergent people, skewing my view of the numbers? Perhaps 🤷🏽‍♀️

Some people wonder how there could possibly be so many more neurodivergent brains in the world all of a sudden. I saw a good meme about this. It likened this scenario to the discovery of new planets…we don’t think that they just appeared out of nowhere; we accept the fact that they’ve always been there, it’s just taken a long time to discover them (or they formed over billions of years, the analogy isn’t perfect 😅)

And why has it taken so long to discover all of the neurodiversity in this world? Maybe because a bunch of people back in the day decided what was typical or “normal”, spread that message like wildfire till it became social convention, and stigmatised all of the other beautiful neurotypes that we know exist today.

We haven’t just appeared out of nowhere. We’ve always been here. We now just feel comfortable enough to unmask and come out of hiding.

There’s still a stigma - we have a long way to go. But I’m pretty happy about the progress we’ve made so far.

08/08/2023

"If children don’t feel that the adult in the room is able to - and wanting to - care for them and hold boundaries securely and lovingly, we might see restless, agitated, big behaviour, controlling or demanding behaviour, or a child who withdraws or puts themselves away.

These kids - the ones who put themselves away - will often be no trouble at all, but they also won’t be able to learn, be curious, take our guidance and grow.

This is the problem with traditional fear-based discipline. All it teaches them is not to come to us when things are messy. There will come a point (and it comes quite quickly) that the only things we know about their world are the things they decide to share. We want to be the first person, not the ‘last resort’ person.

Of course, we might also see these behaviours (big, withdrawn) even if we are holding boundaries securely and lovingly. When our kids collide with a boundary, it can drive big feelings and messy behaviour.

Sometimes it can be tempting to drop the boundary to remove their distress, but we don’t need to. We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are, and when we can trust those edges not to shift around too much.

It’s not about cutting out boundaries, but about adding in warmth. Warmth AND leadership - they need both.

It can be so tough to feel warmth when our own boundaries are being squeezed, but doing this whenever you can will help bring them back to calm quicker. It lets them see that we can handle every version of them, not just the ‘convenient’ delightful one.

If you do feel yourself amping up, that’s okay. It’s so normal. Their distress will fuel our distress. What’s important is that our distress doesn’t give further fuel to their distress.

You might need to walk away for a moment (if you can) to regulate with a few strong breaths, and remind yourself that all parents feel like this sometimes, and that’s okay. If you do collide with them at the boundary, and if this comes with yelling or things you wish you didn’t say, you can fix that. Repair the rupture as soon as you can and don’t sell it as something they caused or deserved. Humility is an important growth point too.♥️"- Karen Young

If children don’t feel that the adult in the room is able to - and wanting to - care for them and hold boundaries securely and lovingly, we might see restless, agitated, big behaviour, controlling or demanding behaviour, or a child who withdraws or puts themselves away.

These kids - the ones who put themselves away - will often be no trouble at all, but they also won’t be able to learn, be curious, take our guidance and grow.

This is the problem with traditional fear-based discipline. All it teaches them is not to come to us when things are messy. There will come a point (and it comes quite quickly) that the only things we know about their world are the things they decide to share. We want to be the first person, not the ‘last resort’ person.

Of course, we might also see these behaviours (big, withdrawn) even if we are holding boundaries securely and lovingly. When our kids collide with a boundary, it can drive big feelings and messy behaviour.

Sometimes it can be tempting to drop the boundary to remove their distress, but we don’t need to. We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are, and when we can trust those edges not to shift around too much.

It’s not about cutting out boundaries, but about adding in warmth. Warmth AND leadership - they need both.

It can be so tough to feel warmth when our own boundaries are being squeezed, but doing this whenever you can will help bring them back to calm quicker. It lets them see that we can handle every version of them, not just the ‘convenient’ delightful one.

If you do feel yourself amping up, that’s okay. It’s so normal. Their distress will fuel our distress. What’s important is that our distress doesn’t give further fuel to their distress.

You might need to walk away for a moment (if you can) to regulate with a few strong breaths, and remind yourself that all parents feel like this sometimes, and that’s okay. If you do collide with them at the boundary, and if this comes with yelling or things you wish you didn’t say, you can fix that. Repair the rupture as soon as you can and don’t sell it as something they caused or deserved. Humility is an important growth point too.♥️

07/08/2023

Childhood is not a race.

21/05/2023

"Without connection we have to rely on force. We fall back on threats, bribes and harsh punishments. But force usually causes damage. If you want to have influence, connection is the key."

Without connection we have to rely on force. We fall back on threats, bribes and harsh punishments. But force usually causes damage. If you want to have influence connection is the key

23/04/2023

Such a great post, this sums up why learning can't happen without relational safety:

"We have to change the way we think about education. For schools to be places of learning, they must be places of relationship.

An anxious brain can’t learn. The learning brain can only be ‘on’ when the whole brain feels safe: physically safe (free from hunger, pain, exhaustion, sensory overload/ underload) and relationally safe (seen, welcome, cared for, connected to).

Relationships take time, and learning can’t happen without them. Yet, our teachers are under more pressure than ever, (as are our children!) to show academic results.

Of course we want academic progression, but if we shortcut the opportunity or time for teachers to be able to (or willing to) build relational safety in the classroom, learning won’t happen.

Of course some kids will excel no matter what’s happening in the room, but too many won’t. This isn’t because they aren’t capable, but because they don’t feel safe enough - yet.

Until children feel safe enough, we will only see the fringes of what they can do. We don’t need to change them - there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. What’s wrong is the world that thinks all children should feel safe with all adults, even ones they don’t know yet. This idea is ridiculous.

Let’s not make the mistake of thinking we’ve seen everything these kids have to give, or that we know what they’re capable of. They don’t even know what they’re capable of yet, but we know they can do hard things and surprising things - they just need to feel safe enough first.

They need us to stay curious about their potential, until they feel safe enough to let us uncover that potential.

These kids don’t want to be ‘indulged’. They want to feel safe. We all need that, so we need to be kind to our teachers too. We need to give teachers more time and opportunity to build the relationships that let them do their jobs.

The teachers that get the importance of relationship are magic-makers - they change lives - but learning might take longer at first, while the relationship is building.

When the relationship is there, these teachers have the most profound capacity to lead even the most anxious kids into learning, brave behaviour and discovering their rich potential."