Phil de la Haye IFS

28/08/2026

Trans-affirming therapy checklist
Although this is intended for clients, it's also a great resource for therapists (or anyone else working in healthcare professions) to measure their own practice against.

The green flag list shows what trans-affirming practice looks like.

We all need to examine our own biases and lenses in order to be able to be a safe-enough person for trans folk to work with. This is true even for those of us who are also trans or nonbinary. I know I need to continuously explore and examine my own internalised transphobia to make sure that I'm not projecting that onto trans clients. This is an ongoing process.

If you would like support in offering trans-affirming care, I offer consultation in this area (primarily through an IFS lens, but also more generally). Please contact me via my website if you'd like to book a case consultation session: www.phildelahaye.com

Looking for a therapist can be hard at the best of times. With the increasing rise in transphobia and trans antagonism, we know that for many trans and non-binary people, doing so can be risky; it …

12/08/2026

Looking at the partial eclipse via an improvised pinhole camera (aka the colander). Yay science!

31/07/2026

Hey folks,
I've decided to take a break from posting regular content on social media over the summer... this is a fairly impulsive decision coming from a part who wants more free time, and it feels really liberating to listen to that part and give it what it wants 🤩

I won't be posting to Instagram or my FB page at all, but if I feel inspired, I may share some more personal content in my FB group https://www.facebook.com/groups/phildelahayeifs
I always try to respond to posts there when I can, so that's a good place to connect with me more directly.

I will still be sending out some newsletters during August, so please subscribe to that if you want to hear more from me in the meantime, or read back over my old posts for a refresher on all things IFS and mindbody healing related.
https://phildelahaye.com/e-book-email-signup/

Wishing you all a beautiful summer (if you are in the northern hemisphere - or insert the season that fits, if you have seasons at all).

Sending you love, Self energy, and my gratitude for your interest in my offerings 🙏🩵

30/07/2026

My shopping firefighters insist that not only are they not bad. They're actually awesome 😂

28/07/2026

Many people with chronic symptoms tell me that nothing bad happened to them. They ask me “Why am I like this? My childhood was fine.”

But attachment trauma can be subtle and hard to spot, especially when our internal protective systems tend to be very organised around denying and minimising our experience. Family loyalty can also play into this. We don’t want to blame our parents.

Trauma isn't just about bad things that happened.
Trauma can also be about things that didn't happen.
It can be about something missing that was desperately needed.

Our parents may have been doing the absolute best they could. But attachment trauma can be passed down the generations, and is impacted by the child-rearing norms of the culture and society that we are born into.

Many of us experienced chronic disconnection in our families of origin, and that can have a deep and lasting impact in our nervous system until we work on healing that for ourselves.

Does this resonate for you?

24/07/2026

Befriending your inner critic.
Have you ever asked your inner critic how old they are?

Many of our hardworking manager parts (inner critics, perfectionists, people pleasers) are actually inner children. They’ve got stuck doing these jobs in our system because they think we need it. They’re doing their best to keep us safe.
But most of them don’t enjoy the roles they’ve been forced into.
Many of them would rather have more time to play and enjoy life.
They’ve taken on all this responsibility for keeping you safe, and they’re EXHAUSTED.

Try approaching them with curiosity instead of animosity.

When you befriend these protective parts and they start to trust in Self (aka: the you who is not a part) to take care of yourself, they will usually relax back and chill out a little. You’ll still need them sometimes, but they won’t have to be so extreme or work so damn hard all the time.

Try exploring them through journalling, meditation, drawing, therapy, talking with a trusted friend… and see what you can discover about these hardworking little people who live inside your system. Maybe even see if you can express some gratitude for what they do for you.

Your inner critic might seem mean, but when you get to know them I bet you’ll find they’re just a scared kid who is doing their best to avoid criticism from others.

22/07/2026

I’m pleased to share that I have just become an IFS Approved Clinical Consultant 🎉
My impostor syndrome part is feeling rather sceptical about this and is pretty sure it must be a mistake 😅
But my very keen 8 year old part is feeling super happy and proud 🤩

21/07/2026

Another question I get asked a lot: can I actually change traits like perfectionism or self-criticism — or am I just wired this way?
The good news is that these patterns really can shift. Not overnight, and maybe not completely — but meaningfully, in ways that make a real difference to how you feel day to day.
The even better news? You don't have to fight them to change them.
Swipe through to see what that process can look like 👉

17/07/2026

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”
This is one of my favourite quotes, from Carl Rogers, the father of person-centred therapy.
Through an IFS lens, this is all about accessing Self energy.

When we can befriend and offer love and acceptance to all the different parts in our system, those parts are able to unburden and transform.

Change occurs organically in the compassionate presence of Self energy. We don't need to strive to make change happen, we just need to try and love ourselves (and all our parts) more.

This concept is also key in recovery from chronic symptoms. Cultivating acceptance and outcome independence helps us to stop focusing so hard on symptoms and being frustrated by them. When we let go of the desperation to find a solution and stop trying so hard to heal, paradoxically, symptoms will often soften.

As I consider this quote and take it in, I feel lighter. All the manager parts in my system breathe a collective sigh of relief as they remember that it's okay to relax. They don't have to keep trying so hard. They just need to leave enough space for me to be here too.
Meanwhile a sceptical part nudges me and says "yeah, but that's easier said than done!"

What happens inside you when you read this quote?

14/07/2026

Stress related symptoms are REAL SYMPTOMS!
It’s not all in your head – but the solution involves using the mind as well as the body to heal.

I have personally experienced excruciating pain that was completely unrelated to any injury. It was emotional in origin - specifically repressed emotion. It’s hard to believe if you haven’t experienced it, but stress (including repressed emotions) can create physical symptoms that are as real and painful as those from a broken bone.

For more information on recovering from stress related symptoms see my other posts or check out the resources on my website www.phildelahaye.com