Carolyn Hextall Practice

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Just back from a client session, and our work touched on cultural scripting — the unspoken rules, ways of being, and exp...
06/02/2026

Just back from a client session, and our work touched on cultural scripting — the unspoken rules, ways of being, and expectations of the institution he operates within — and how the day-to-day navigation of this culture impacts his wellbeing.

It’s a quiet impact. Nothing loud or shouty. But it’s there in his language, in the way he looks at me when he’s unsure, in the soft laugh at the end of his sentences.

Having worked in large institutions myself, with their myriad expectations, it feels easier to analyse them now from this side of the barricade. I’m not denigrating the wonderful work of many impressive schools, hospitals, and organisations, but I am curious about the quieter messages:

“This is how you succeed here.”
“This is who you need to be.”

And what happens when those messages don’t align with your values or your natural way of being in the world?

We all find ways of getting through. It’s human nature.

Sometimes it’s the displaced argument with a partner.
Sometimes it’s the extra glass of red as the light fades.
Sometimes it’s simply switching off parts of ourselves to cope.

And then we get up, don the right clothes, adopt the right tone, and return.

But if the emotional cost is high… what then?

I’m curious:

Have you ever noticed yourself adapting in ways that felt quietly uncomfortable?
What helped you recognise it — or change it?

I’d love to hear your reflections.

For many senior and professional women, menopause isn’t just a physical transition.It quietly challenges identity, confi...
04/02/2026

For many senior and professional women, menopause isn’t just a physical transition.
It quietly challenges identity, confidence, and long-established ways of leading at work.

Recent coverage in The Times and The Guardian highlights the significant impact of menopause on women’s mental health. Over 58% of women surveyed by the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) reported increased anxiety, alongside low mood, stress, and debilitating brain fog. Yet nine out of ten seek no support, instead “pushing through”.

For women in senior roles, what is the cost of this silence?

By midlife, many have built careers on competence, resilience, and being the one others rely on. When menopause brings cognitive or emotional shifts, the fear isn’t just about coping, it’s about credibility. Will I still be seen as capable?

From a therapeutic perspective, several factors often intersect.

Many professional women operate from a strong internal “Be Strong” driver, an early adaptation that may have once been rewarded. Under sustained pressure, however, this internal process can make asking for help feel fearful, a threat to identity.

There is also a powerful cultural message that women should simply manage. Symptoms are minimised, needs pushed aside, and struggles internalised, often alongside caring responsibilities and relationship transitions.

Add to this a workplace culture that quietly privileges youth, stamina, and constant availability, and it’s no surprise that many highly capable women suffer in silence.

This isn’t an individual failing.
It’s a systemic one.

If organisations want to retain experienced female leaders, menopause must be recognised as a workplace issue, not something women are expected to manage privately.

And at an individual level, therapy can offer a compassionate, confidential space to explore identity shifts, internal pressures, and long-held expectations.

So I’m curious:
What would genuinely menopause-aware workplaces look like for senior women — and what would make it safer for them to ask for support?

And if this resonates personally, please do reach out for support. Reaching out isn't a weakness. It's a strength. It's an act of self care that quietly emphases your importance and your worth.

An insightful article in today’s Guardian by Dr Stephen Blumenthal asks an important question: why do men still resist t...
31/01/2026

An insightful article in today’s Guardian by Dr Stephen Blumenthal asks an important question: why do men still resist therapy?

Drawing on 35 years as a psychologist, specialising in male mental health, he notes that only 33% of referrals to NHS talking therapies come from men.

He points to familiar barriers:

• how risky vulnerability can feel
• how often men wait until crisis point to access support
• how daunting the inward journey of therapy can seem

As someone who works as both a coach and a therapist, I was struck by his observation that “coaching and mentoring show promise as male-friendly approaches.”

It made me wonder: what is it about these modalities that can feel more acceptable to men than therapy?

I suspect part of it is semantics.

Coaching evokes sport, direction, momentum, being in a team.
Mentoring suggests shared wisdom, accountability, a trusted guide.

Therapy, by contrast, is sometimes imagined as quiet introspection, sitting in the mire, stuck, lacking movement.

Yet that hasn’t been my experience at all.

I see therapy as a sacred place of exploration and momentum. Often, to move forward in a way that truly lasts, we need to look more deeply first.

Many of the men I work with carry a heavy pressure to “be strong” and avoid vulnerability. I often remember the poignant moment one of my clients looked at me with quiet despair, whispering, “ I'm tired of being brave.” Brave. A word layered with expectation, endurance, and emotional cost.

So perhaps the question isn’t how to make therapy more palatable for men — but how we better reveal what therapy actually is. Not a retreat from action, but a courageous, purposeful space that builds emotional strength, relational clarity, and resilience.

After more than 30 years working in music education and advocating for boys’ access to the transformative power of the arts, I now feel equally passionate, in my second career as a psychotherapeutic counsellor, about the potency of therapy, for both men and women.

If you’re seeking coaching but sense there’s something deeper you’re circling… If you’re spinning all the plates, yet quietly exhausted by being brave for too long…

Perhaps it’s worth exploring therapy.

It won’t slow you down.
It may help you move further — and more courageously.
But as you. Not the version you think others expect.

As we close the chapter on the last working day of January, how are you feeling about how you've navigated the beginning...
30/01/2026

As we close the chapter on the last working day of January, how are you feeling about how you've navigated the beginning of this new year?

Perhaps you started 2026 with an intention — maybe to give yourself more time simply to be. If so, have you managed to honour that? Or was it quickly eclipsed by the busyness of a new year, deadlines, and expectations?

From a place of compassion and non-judgment, I wonder: have you honoured yourself, or have you abandoned yourself?

Each year, I choose one word to act as an anchor for the twelve months ahead. A word I may drift away from at times, but return to whenever I feel unmoored.

My word for 2026 is connection.

Having left teaching after 32 years and now working as a freelance therapist, coach, and musician, connection feels more important than ever.

There is the connection I share with my clients — the privileged, intimate space where we explore hopes and dreams, joys and disappointments.

There are the new connections I’m making as a freelancer: brilliant practitioners I’m learning from, and musicians I’m discovering as we piece together ideas and create new possibilities.

There are the joyful connections with family and friends. Gifted with more space in my week, I feel far more present — able to savour these relationships rather than watching the clock and rushing from one commitment to the next.

And finally, there is the connection with myself. Perhaps the most important of all, because it is from this place that every other connection grows. Connecting to myself is embodied. It’s a quiet knowing. A centring. A continual learning about who I am in the world, what I value, and how I want to live.

So, as the light fades on January and the promise of February glimmers, this is a gentle invitation to check in with yourself:

✨ What is your word for the year?
Anchor it. Hold it close. And if you drift away, trust that you can always return.

You won’t abandon yourself.

✨ And if this reflection resonates — if you’re longing for deeper connection with yourself or others — I currently have space for therapy and coaching conversations. You’re warmly welcome to get in touch.

“New research from the University of Cambridge has found significant links between menopause and the loss of grey matter...
27/01/2026

“New research from the University of Cambridge has found significant links between menopause and the loss of grey matter in the brain. This could explain why women are more likely to develop dementia than men.”

Waking up to this headline on my radio alarm this morning was sobering.

We talk (a little) about the physical symptoms of menopause, but far less openly about the cognitive ones. And yet these are often the most distressing, professionally and personally.

Memory lapses. Difficulty concentrating. Brain fog. Verbal recall issues. Slower processing speed.

These are not symptoms most women feel able to share freely at work, unless with trusted, understanding colleagues. And in professions where credibility is closely tied to thinking fast and speaking fluently, the shame can be profound.

This feels especially important in education, where around 65–70% of the workforce is female. Why aren’t we talking about this more?

The year before I left full-time education, I was in a meeting when a colleague.. finished my sentences. As someone who had always prided herself on being a quick thinker with an agile mind, the shame was searing. As a Director of Music, brain fog became an unwelcome guest — particularly in high-pressure meetings with senior leaders and parents. And pressure only made it worse.

Midlife is also a time of reinvention, regeneration and physis — life force. But those possibilities depend on the conditions being right.

So this feels like an urgent leadership question. On this blustery Tuesday morning, as Storm Chandra threatens disruption, I’m wondering:

How are we supporting women in this life stage at work?
And if you’re a school leader, what practical measures are you putting in place to support the bright, capable, dynamic — and possibly struggling — women in your school.

‘If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.’I was reminded of this phrase at a recent talk—one that’s often shared in therapy ...
26/01/2026

‘If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.’

I was reminded of this phrase at a recent talk—one that’s often shared in therapy training. So what does it mean?

Do you ever notice yourself having a strong emotional reaction to what seems like a relatively minor trigger?
Or notice this happening within members of your team?

Sometimes a present-day situation pings us back to an earlier, unresolved experience. In Transactional Analysis, we understand this as happening when one of our unconscious childhood drivers—early strategies we developed to stay safe, loved, or accepted—is being challenged.
This isn’t about minimising the trigger.
It’s about recognising that something else may be going on.

For example:

If you developed a “please others” driver as an early adaptation to navigate family dynamics, criticism or perceived rejection may feel deeply upsetting or shaming.

If “try hard” was how you secured love or approval, a casual comment like “this isn’t quite good enough” can activate an internal alarm system—pulling you back to the experience of being a misunderstood child.
In those moments, we’re often not responding from our present-day Adult ego state, but from a historic Child one.

So how do we support ourselves to come back into the here and now?

✅ Pause and take a few slow breaths to settle the nervous system
✅ Name that you need a moment, if you do
✅ Slow down your speech
✅ Remind yourself: I am safe — this may be an old reaction
✅ When you have space, journal and explore what was activated
✅ Be compassionate with yourself. We all react from historical places at times, particularly under stress

Awareness is always the first step towards choice.

If you’d like to explore how historic ego states may be shaping your present reactions, I’d love to help. As a Therapist and Coach specialising in Transactional Analysis, I support clients in understanding what’s being activated and how to respond with greater choice and self-compassion.

26/01/2026

If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.’

I was reminded of this phrase at a recent talk—one that’s often shared in therapy training. So what does it mean?

Do you ever notice yourself having a strong emotional reaction to what seems like a relatively minor trigger?
Or notice this happening within members of your team?

Sometimes a present-day situation pings us back to an earlier, unresolved experience. In Transactional Analysis, we understand this as happening when one of our unconscious childhood drivers—early strategies we developed to stay safe, loved, or accepted—is being challenged.
This isn’t about minimising the trigger.
It’s about recognising that something else may be going on.

For example:

If you developed a “please others” driver as an early adaptation to navigate family dynamics, criticism or perceived rejection may feel deeply upsetting or shaming.

If “try hard” was how you secured love or approval, a casual comment like “this isn’t quite good enough” can activate an internal alarm system—pulling you back to the experience of being a misunderstood child.
In those moments, we’re often not responding from our present-day Adult ego state, but from a historic Child one.

So how do we support ourselves to come back into the here and now?

✅ Pause and take a few slow breaths to settle the nervous system
✅ Name that you need a moment, if you do
✅ Slow down your speech
✅ Remind yourself: I am safe — this may be an old reaction
✅ When you have space, journal and explore what was activated
✅ Be compassionate with yourself. We all react from historical places at times, particularly under stress

Awareness is always the first step towards choice.

If you’d like to explore how historic ego states may be shaping your present reactions, I’d love to help. As a Therapist and Coach specialising in Transactional Analysis, I support clients in understanding what’s being activated and how to respond with greater choice and self-compassion.

I wonder if having a crystal ball — the ability to see into the future — would really solve the anxieties and uncertaint...
20/01/2026

I wonder if having a crystal ball — the ability to see into the future — would really solve the anxieties and uncertainty of our present?

This time last year, returning to school after the Christmas break and my 32nd year of teaching, I was desperate to see my future. With the school undergoing extensive restructuring and my role changing significantly, my choices felt stark: stay, but relinquish my much-loved and dynamic top year groups, or step off the teaching roundabout and begin building my business as a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor and Coach, while completing my final year of psychotherapy training.

And I was anxious.
Anxious I would miss teaching too much.
Anxious I’d made a mistake and given up the certainty of a role I loved.
Anxious I wouldn’t find clients.
Anxious about my identity.

As I cast off my lanyard, who was I now?

I could go on…

But guess what? The world didn’t stop turning. I didn’t fall off the proverbial cliff (the one I visited often in my dreams). I didn’t sink. In fact, I soared.

I absolutely love this new role — the one I’m creating for myself. It’s fledgling and ever-changing, but it holds all the strands I love: working alongside clients as a therapist and coach, directing a choir, teaching piano, and setting up a classical concert series. And that’s just in three months.

There are quieter days. Days when I look back at my old working life, my former existence. But I do so now with warmth and gratitude. And I look forward with excitement and pride — pride that I’m creating my present and my future. I’m writing my own job description. I’m choosing the path forwards.

So, if you’re at a crossroads — in your career or personal life — I want you to know there is a path ahead. It may be hard to see right now, but it’s there.

If you’re at a crossroads right now, I’d love to know — what are you standing on the edge of?

When we think of our story, most people hear the surface narrative — the curated version. Even self-deprecation can be a...
16/01/2026

When we think of our story, most people hear the surface narrative — the curated version. Even self-deprecation can be a way of staying in control. It’s the froth on the ocean. The sparkle on the waves.

Those closest to us may glimpse what’s underneath. Below the surface: seaweed, sludge, flashes of bioluminescence, just out of reach.

And then there’s the depth. The dark sea floor we avoid. The story we tell no one — until it pulls us there through anger, grief, or fear.

But, in therapy, we can move between all three. You can bob on the surface, and when you’re ready, descend gently — with a trusted professional alongside you to help you explore what's there, and then be guided, gently back to the froth, the sunlight, the open.

So, if you’re tired of the surface story and curious about what’s beneath, what's holding you back, I’d love to hear from you.

I offer a free introductory call and would be privileged to hear your story.

14/01/2026

Balance. How is it showing up in your life?
Do you have too much of something, and not enough of something else?
And remember:
✨what you nurture.. grows.
✨you neglect, wilts.

If this resonates and you’d like to talk it through with a professional, I’d love to hear from you.
I’m a qualified therapist and coach, and love supporting my clients to build lives that are emotionally rich, fulfilling and life affirming.

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Brighton And Hove

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