07/02/2026
The best thing you will read today đĽ°
What if the problem isnât our childrenâŚbut how much we demand of them?
Parenting neurodivergent children often means parenting very differently to how most of us were raised. For many families, that difference looks like a low demand, child-led approach and itâs one of the most misunderstood parenting styles out there.
Low demand parenting is often dismissed as 'letting kids get away with things' or 'lazy parenting'. In reality, itâs usually the opposite.
Itâs hard.
Itâs mentally exhausting.
And it requires far more reflection, regulation, and intentional decision-making than simply defaulting to rules, punishments, and 'because I said so'.
Low demand parenting means constantly checking in with yourself:
⢠Is this actually necessary?
⢠Is this about safety, or about control?
⢠Am I responding based on my childâs needs, or my own conditioning?
⢠Would I expect this of an adult in the same situation?
Because this approach is often completely different from how we were parented, it involves a lot of unlearning. Many of us were raised to comply, to obey authority without question, and to ignore our own internal signals. Parenting differently means repeatedly catching ourselves when old scripts pop up - and choosing a different response, again and again.
A child-led approach isnât just good for neurodivergent children - itâs good for all children.
Children learn best when they feel safe, respected, and trusted. Autonomy, choice, and collaboration build intrinsic motivation, self-awareness, and emotional regulation. These arenât 'special accommodations' - theyâre foundations for healthy humans.
One of the biggest barriers to understanding this is how society views children.
Children are often not seen as full people with their own rights, boundaries, preferences, and bodily autonomy. Instead, theyâre treated as people who should obey adults, comply with instructions, and tolerate discomfort simply because an adult has decided something is 'appropriate'.
Whatâs striking is how much more we expect of children than we do of adults.
We expect children to:
⢠Sit still for long periods
⢠Transition instantly with no warning
⢠Eat when theyâre told, what theyâre told
⢠Wear uncomfortable clothing
⢠Follow rules that donât make sense to them
⢠Regulate emotions without the skills or support to do so
⢠Share their belongings without question
Yet we would consider many of these expectations unreasonable if applied to adults.
When you really stop and think about it, a lot of what we ask of children is unreasonable.
And hereâs the thing: when children are given autonomy over themselves, they very rarely ask for outrageous things.
They donât usually want chaos.
They want comfort, safety, predictability, and to be listened to.
Take listening to their bodies, for example.
A neurodivergent child might want to wear shorts in winter. Or refuse a coat. Or say theyâre not hungry at a meal everyone else is eating. A low demand approach doesnât mean ignoring safety - it means respecting autonomy within safety.
So you let them wear the shorts.
You bring the coat along.
You trust that if theyâre cold, theyâll tell you.
Because learning to listen to your body only happens when your body is respected.
I have a child who will play on their outdoor swing in all weathers. If we stopped them, they would become dysregulated. They go out for as long as they feel able and if they get too cold they come in and we warm them up.
The same applies to food, rest, movement, and sensory needs. For many neurodivergent children, tuning into their internal signals is already harder - overriding them teaches disconnection, not resilience (I hate that word).
Low demand parenting isnât about permissiveness.
Itâs about relationship.
Itâs about reducing unnecessary stress so children can thrive.
Itâs about recognising that behaviour is communication, not defiance.
And itâs about remembering that children are people - not projects to control.
It asks more of parents, not less.
More thought.
More emotional regulation.
More flexibility.
More trust.
But what it gives children in return is priceless:
A sense of safety.
A sense of self.
And the knowledge that they are respected exactly as they are.
And honestly? Thatâs something every child deserves đ
