Transforming Relationships

19/12/2024

Hello,

I'm pretty shocked to see that my last update went out a year ago!!

What can I say? I'm always wanting to send them and then life with clients' sessions and a hubby with ADHD takes me over. I'm so hoping to be more in touch with you lovely people next year.

If we're healthy and fit, we are likely to get a fair quantity of life. It's definitely good to think we'll be long lived but it's the quality of life that really matters the most.

A couple I saw recently said "We have the perfect life, lovely children, a beautiful home, enough money for special treats, BUT we're not really feeling connected, other than on a rather mundane surface level. We get all the jobs done, take great care of the kids and all the rest of the practical stuff...BUT neither of us is feeling close to the other one. We hardly ever cuddle and have pretty much forgotten what s*x is!

This couple have the quantity but are deeply suffering on the quality front.

Underneath all the doing-ness, they do feel loving to one another but it's as if there is no real space for the actual loving itself or what I call "expressions of love".

And yes, it takes making the space to actually create the closeness that is so needed. It takes motivation too and awareness and some degree of risk.

If you are both waiting for something to happen, you might both wait a long time. Often there is a stuckness that's got far too settled in place alongside habits that never get talked about, let alone assessed for their outdated-ness. And apathy can all too easily take over and that's not easy to step out of, especially after a long period of time.

Perhaps every now and again, one of you says "We haven't had s*x for two years!" "We need to" or "I need to" or.....

READ ON:

Hello, I’m pretty shocked to see that my last update went out a year ago!! What can I say? I’m always wanting to send them and then life with clients’ sessions and a hubby with ADHD takes me over. I’m so hoping to be more in touch with you lovely people next year. If we’re healthy ... Read...

20/12/2023

I have to confess, it's been a long time since I got into writing mode.

Since the summer, my client numbers have ramped up considerably, especially more and more couples (and individuals, of course) coping with neuro-diversity, my speciality being ADHD.

A person with ADHD finds life extremely challenging. Being the partner of a person with ADHD is, guess what? Extremely Challenging!

So many couples in this situation find it hard to know where to get help for their relationship. There is a huge lack of trained couple therapists who also understand what ADHD is all about. So, these couples find ME! I have been married to my husband for 22 years and he's very full on ADHD and we are both getting older!!

So, work life, home life and health life have been very intense. Plus, like most of us, I'm a sensitive soul and am deeply affected by world events which fall into two categories mainly: war and the destruction of our planet. Finding a balance means reading and listening enough to know what's going on and also knowing when to change the "channel" and take a break from it all. Ongoingly, with all there is to deal with, both near and far, I have discovered that self-care and coming from a place of love as much as possible, plus having a fair amount of laughter, is what really does it for me!

So, despite all the various loads we all carry, here we now are....nearly at the holiday season once again and there is so much I'd love to offer you, having been absent for too long. So, I will give you a few of my best loved formulas for keeping your relationsip connected, loving and pleasurable........These are in no particular order.

IF AN ARGUMENT STARTS TO BREW.... pause, slow down and breathe. Do not say any sentence starting with "YOU". Say "I'm noticing I'm feeling......and ......Let's see if we can work this out together." Even if it rises to a crescendo, try not to blame. Keep talking about your own process and what's triggering YOU! By the way, arguments are not the worst thing in a relationship. Feeling dead in there is much worse!

LOVE IS A VERB!...... we can all keep saying "I love you" or "Love you" (the mini version, easily said), just like "Hi, how ya doing"? But LOVE is not just words said by rote. It's about ACTION that requires expressions so the other one actually feels your love. Expressions of love can be tiny..."ooh, you loook lovely today", or huge " I hear everything you say, my love and you are really right. I am very slobbish about my plates and cups and I will really try to do better on that front"....But you do need to mean it!!

YOUR RELATIONHIP BELONGS TO YOU BOTH 50/50....Don't be in the waiting room (the most boring place on earth) hoping and praying for something good to happen. Do it yourself... make it happen! Create some special couple time for you both. Make your partner a cuppa. Plan a surprise. Go and hug them unexpectedly. Listen to them 100%. Ask them how they're doing and so on and so on....you get the idea. Never just wait. If you're still unhappy, come and see me!!

FOUNDATIONAL INTIMACY IS THE CORE THING THAT MAKES YOUR RELATIONSHIP A RELATIONSHIP, RATHER THAN JUST A FRIENDSHIP!.... Even if you are not having s*x very much for whatever reason, make sure you are intimate with one another (See the Intimacy Curve below). Go to bed together often and just BE together, no agenda. Giggle, stroke, breathe, kiss and more, maybe or not. Let it be perfect as it is. Your emotional and physical connection is the key, whatever that looks like for you as a couple.

LET YOUR HEART LEAD THE WAY A LOT! .... If you can pause, breathe and see your partner from a place of love (as those of you who are parents do with your kids most of the time), then it all softens and life feels so much happier and warmer. This isn't easy to do, I know, But, even bringing this kind of awareness in, especially if there's a feeling of distance and disconnection, can open a pathway to intimacy and re-bonding. Trust your heart before your brain....OK not in everything, but a lot!

Make sure you're doing most of these daily!!

This coming year, I am going to be putting more time and energy into offering Couples Intensives .

https://youtu.be/t522pXCjiFk

Sometimes, a deep journey over several hours can enable change to take place for a couple in a different kind of way from regular hourly sessions.

If, there is something troubling your relationsip that is hard to shift and it keeps coming around and around, a Couples Intensive may make a huge difference. It can enable you to dialogue with one another in ways you might not yet have managed. Or to actually do an exercise together that would be challenging to do by yourselves.

An integration, a wholeness can happen over a longer period of time with a deep level of support.

This is the place to go to to find out more:
https://priyatourkow.com/relationship-renewal-intensive-for-one-couple/

So, dear people, have a unique and lovely time over the next few weeks and have fun too. I look forward to seeing many of you in early 2024.

With love and intimacy to you and your unique relationship

Priya 💝💝

17/08/2023

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐅𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐎𝐫 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬!? 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐓𝐨 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐄𝐧𝐝 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐉𝐨𝐤𝐞….

𝐵𝑦 𝑃𝑟𝑖𝑦𝑎 𝑇𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑘𝑜𝑤

I guess ideally, you would like to be both friends and lovers!
That would indeed be wonderful, however, so many clients come to me and say “We are great friends and we have the same values. We do love each other, but we’re not in love anymore and we have almost no intimacy or s*x. These couples are definitely NOT lovers.

We all know about the crazy flush of falling in love when we first get together. It’s fabulous and almost out of this world. But, we humans are not designed to carry on like this if we are to stay sane and manage life, a home, work and kids. But we do want and need to stay loving and close emotionally and physically…that is intimacy. But what happens when we get almost completely out of touch with intimacy, way before we get anywhere near s*x?

Couples who have forgotten how to be close emotionally and physically are also likely to be rather disconnected. And of course, intimacy comes from connection as indeed connection comes from intimacy! They feed one another.

Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to literally lose that intimacy pathway in the brain.

If we don’t use it, we lose it, as they say. Sometimes it can take years for a couple to notice the loss of their intimacy and connection. They have sadly got used to life that way. It becomes a kind of norm but deep down they are probably very unhappy and often lonely.

So…how can you wake up from this heartbreaking loss of closeness?...

READ ON:

I guess ideally, you would like to be both friends and lovers! That would indeed be wonderful, however, so many clients come to me and say “We are great friends and we have the same values. We do love each other, but we’re not in love anymore and we have almost no intimacy or s*x. ... Read more

15/04/2023

By Priya Tourkow:

Do you have ADHD in your relationship?

I rarely talk here about the fact that I live with ADHD in my life….not in myself directly, but my husband has it and we’ve been married for twenty-one years.

My standard line is “I love him to pieces and he drives me nuts”!!

If you are in this situation, you will probably be nodding right now and thinking “I know that one”.

I always say to the many couples who I see where one of them has ADHD….”If one of you has it, it’s IN your relationship”.

A person with ADHD has a hard time in everyday life. They have a brain that can drive them crazy with its intensive messages and constant distractions. One of my clients called it “my screamy brain”. They are probably very chatty, quite fast-talking, active, perhaps constantly in motion, possibly jumping from one thing to another or perhaps they turned up late for your meeting or got the date wrong!!

And just like most other people, they are funny, wise, creative, spontaneous and often very caring, helpful and loveable…Oh, and never boring!

So, however much you love one another, being in a relationship with all this going on can be very hard as well as very great.
It’s all too easy for a couple to feel they are the only ones coping with this. Often, people don’t understand just how difficult it is to have ADHD or to be living with ADHD unless they are experiencing it themselves.

If you indeed feel you would like to meet other couples in this situation to learn and share, I am running a day for this purpose soon.

A day for couples with ADHD in their relationship...
Do you sometimes feel like you are the only couple grappling with this ADHD thing?
And it can indeed involve quite a lot of grabbling, with its inconsistencies and ups and downs, which really do affect you both on a daily basis.

There are good things too, of course, like love, creativity and spontaneity, but they can all too easily get sabotaged by recurring difficulties.

The good news is: You are NOT alone. Many couples are having similar struggles…..

Come to a Day for Couples with ADHD in Their Relationship at the home of Priya and her husband Bob (who has ADHD!)

DATE Saturday, May 13th 2023
TIME 10am to 4pm
COST £100 per couple
ADDRESS Flat 1, 9 Grimston Gdns, Folkestone, CT20 2PT
(Please bring a dish to share for lunch)

A chance to meet other couples with similar issues.

There will be elements of learning, guidance, sharing and discussion all within a warm and friendly atmosphere. And there’s often plenty of laughter as well.

Plus a few simple exercises for each couple to do with their own partner, in their own space,

You might feel a bit nervous to start with as your relationship feels private to yourselves and you wonder how it will feel to talk to other couples about it.
I can support you both with that, as nobody is expected to do or say anything they are uncomfortable with.

The amazing thing is when couples give it a go, they all tell me how wonderful it is and that they needn’t have worried
It’s even been known for couples to become good friends through meeting at one of these events.

If you would like to come to this event, please let me know ASAP as there are just 4 couples spaces. You can do this by sending an email to [email protected]. Once you are booked you will need to transfer £100 to reserve your space.

I look forward to you joining us
Priya and Bob

https://youtu.be/m7NLjqa7x64

22/02/2023

07/02/2023

Nearly there!
My first Date Day event is on Saturday Feb 18th and there is space for one more couple!!
Could that be you two?

20/12/2022

Here we are again, nearly Christmas or Chanukah or whatever style of celebration you choose.

A time of year when we have the aim of having fun and often being with family and friends, some of we may not have seen since last year.

And….it can be a tetchy time, with all the busyness of travelling and /or hosting others. Any stress is not helped by train strikes and a feeling of the system of the country falling around our ears.

Soooo, let’s just pause and take a deep breath, as I always say. That PAUSE is a very useful thing, especially if you and your beloved are getting a bit too heated up about something.

Yes, pause and slow down and share how you’re feeling… rather than saying something blaming or critical to your partner.

This is the time to stay close and loving. Remember, LOVE IS A VERB! In other words, LOVE IS SOMETHING TO EXPRESS…TO GIVE AND RECEIVE

So make sure you are living the

Intimacy Curve

daily!!

*****

Here is a reminder of my in-person Couples Meet-Up/Support Groups:

An intentional informal course for you, your partner and your relationship. A perfect way to gain many tools and experiences to enhance the love and intimacy in YOUR relationship.

Booking is open now and places are limited.

Find out more here:

https://priyatourkow.com/priyas-couples-meet-up-support-groups/

20/10/2022

Don't Leave Your Relationship To Chance. You Can Have Better, And You Deserve It. Here's how. (bonus video too)..

It’s been a beautiful summer around these parts (Folkestone, Kent) and I hope the same for you, wherever you are situated. And it’s got pretty chilly, all of a sudden. So, it’s just the right time to get more cosy and intimate together as the Autumn leaves start to fall….isn’t there a song...

12/07/2022

Who does your relationship belong to?

Meet a couple called Margie and James.

They are very different types from each other, as many couples are of course.

She is generally calm, loves to be spontaneous and enjoys gregariousness and
social activities.

He is much more of an orderly type of person. He can be rather uptight and get stressed easily. He actually needs order and to know what’s happening all the time.

As you can imagine, he gets quite stressed out when Margie suddenly comes up with something spontaneous and not in his plans.

Spontaneity is difficult for him whereas she would love more spontaneity in their relationship. So, you can get the picture that these differing needs might be challenging for them both

This is one area where they were a little bit at odds with each other...

Read more:
https://priyatourkow.com/who-does-your-relationship-belong-to/

10/06/2022

Meet ‘Amelia’ and ‘John’:
Amelia feels like she’s living in a waiting room.

She’s waiting. She’s waiting for Jonathan to do things she’d like him to do. A waiting room is a nowhere place, neither actively on the way nor having arrived. In a relationship, it’s an unsettled place, an emotional, probably anxious, resentful state. In a word….destructive, rather than helpful and nurturing.

Amelia is often on tenterhooks. It’s stressful, it’s passive and she’s put Jonathan in a place of being the one who has to “do something”. ..

Read More:

Meet ‘Amelia’ and ‘John’: Amelia feels like she’s living in a waiting room. She’s waiting. She’s waiting for Jonathan to do things she’d like him to do. A waiting room is a nowhere place, neither actively on the way nor having arrived. In a relationship, it’s an unsettled place, an...