24/08/2025
Just to keep you all updated with everything that's going on at this end. The stuff you don't see or hear about that we have to deal with behind the veil of what you see when we're out and about.
Every night I try to go to sleep in bed, or a chair, or a special reiki chair that I can lay upwards facing down.
I am VERY limited to which way I can lay and it often becomes a major problem just adjusting for the night to begin with.
I am in a much more constant pain from along the bottom of my stomach/rib cage all the way across from one end to the other, leaving me literally gasping for air to try and breathe, even just a little.
I feel that my breathing has dramatically been less than quartered and it takes me quite a while to resolve getting back into normal breathing again.
It's really very scary having to fight for a single breath and calm down to have some kind of oxygen intake.
The pain in the whole of my torso doesn't help at all and I feel like I'm just going to collapse in a heap of painful noises, struggling to call for help.
I can't sit up myself which means I have to wake Sarah each time I need to move or I'm in a great deal of pain, stuck, until I can move.
Throughout the night is the same, even with all of my medication and more! Night time is the worst. I can either have a good sleep that involves everything I've just written, or a bad sleep where I've been laying the wrong way, even just for 5 minutes and it will mess me up for the whole next day and I'm in pain for the next few hours after I get up.
I usually have to get up between 6am - 8am because I just can't get back to sleep because of the pain.
Once I'm up, I cry at what life has given me. I can't believe this is what my life has become.
I sit and contemplate what I can do to make things easier for everyone but I just can't. My mind and my body just don't work the same now. My most common phrase now is 'OWWW' and believe me, it's said constantly every time I move in sharp intakes of breath.
Sarah needs to help me get up from a seated position, I can't reach anything behind me or even to the sides, just a few inches away from me.
I can't move anything around me, I can't pick anything up or go down to get it, so once it's on the floor, it's on the floor.
My back is in terrible agony at all points throughout the day. Even walking to the toilet/getting up from the toilet is a mission.
The most trivial things are out of my reach now like filling up a bottle of water that's too heavy for me, carrying a plate, getting my slippers on, opening a bottle of juice, passing something over that's laying right next to me, etc.
I feel like I'm just a blob waiting to be served by my queen. I can't do a fu***ng thing and it's frustrating the hell out of me.
People say 'Oh You're the strongest/bravest/most positive person I know', well, it's getting really hard to try and be that person when your world is literally falling apart right infront of you.
Every day I look in the mirror, all I see is this old, dying vision of me that just won't give up but I can see my body trying it's best to shut down bit by bit. It's like I'm decomposing in front of my eyes, just waiting for death to come and take me. I can feel it surrounding me and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
I would really like to make videos to show you all just how bad this is but I'm no good on camera and wouldn't know what to say. I'm not a Tik Tok kind of guy.
In other news, the palate my mouth has basically completely gone, leaving it so damn difficult to eat and drink without choking on air and my speech is all over the place. I'm surprised some of you can understand me now.
Little jobs around the house are completely out of my reach now, dishes, cooking, taking rubbish out, cleaning rooms, moving anything, I can't even pat the cats ffs, so this has all fallen for Sarah to do and that frustrates me even more just watching Sarah struggle to do stuff that we used to do together.
I can't even put a sentence together without getting out of breath and breaking it up into 4/5 parts of breath.
We don't have a couch we can sit on together! In our living room, we have 5 different chairs so that I have different seating options.
I'm constantly asking Sarah if she could do this and do that for me like a bloody servant girl. She is amazing and is ALWAYS there for me at every request no matter how small.
Anyways, my feet have swollen up for a good few months, that's why you might see me in massive slippers I had to get from Amazon because none of my footwear fits anymore. I'm on water tablets for that so YAY! More tablets! On top of more steroids and more painkillers!
We destroy ourselves nearly every day knowing what life has in store for us and seeing it go downhill very quickly.
We know what is going to happen but it's the darkness of not knowing when. Trying to make the most of each day is becoming harder and taking more and more out of us.
Still waiting to see (excuse the pun lol) if I'm going to get my other eye done with the cataracts. No word yet.
I'm very old, feeble and fragile now. Nothing like how I was even just 2 months ago. It's funny how life can change in the twinkling of an eye.
Life really is precious. Hold on to it for as long as you can because one day, you'll not be able to do the same stuff as you can right now and it will change you forever. Stay young!
Very much love to you all for still staying with us on our journey.
Dove & Sarah
xx ❤️🕊️ xx
