Coaching with Nisanka

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Coaching with Nisanka

How do I protect my child from the narcissistic parent? If I have got your attention, then you may be going through the following. And yes, it takes time.

Isn’t that the question you are asking yourself over and over when you are co-parenting children with a narcissistic parent. The narcissistic parent treats you like it is mandatory that you parent, but it is a choice for them
The narcissist breaks childcare arrangements or doesn’t show up at all when it’s their turn to pick the children up
They trash you to your children
They are surrounded by peo

ple who enable their lies and drama and keep trashing you in front of your children
Your children feel like it is their duty to protect them and they get caught in the crossfire
You are left to do everything from supervising children to running the entire home whilst working. They make you feel bad about whatever goes wrong in child’s life

Amidst all of that chaos, you are probably blaming yourself,

for choosing to have a child with a narcissist
for the toxic separation that children go through or the toxic environment that your children are brought up in if you are still living with them
gaslighting and manipulation your children are put through by the other parent
for having ignored the red flags in the relationship early on
for having to allow your children to spend solo time with the narcissistic parent without you being there to protect them

Your dilemma probably is that you neither want to gaslight your children nor you want to say anything bad about the other parent to protect your children from further trauma. Truth be told, having an antagonistic parent does have its toll on children. The most painful part of this herculean task is to watch the pain, confusion and trauma that your children experience whilst you are going through confusion, numbness, depression and anxiety yourself. It’s not like that the family court system is supportive is it? We live in a society that enables narcissistic behaviours. You are likely to hear toxic advice from people around you such as ‘every family goes through this’, ‘relationships are hard’, ‘go on a date night and it will be alright’, ‘have you tried to communicate with them?’. It can be a very painful and isolating experience to process your own reality and support your children through theirs. There is HOPE and GOOD NEWS

When you can be that one solid parent who is present and consistent in your children’s life that can be an offset to the narcissistic parent. You can provide your children with the empathy, compassion, secure attachment and the mirroring your child needs.

“The tyranny of narcissistic abuse is that we blame ourselves for the narcissistic person’s behaviour” - Dr. Ramani Daruvasula. Together we can decide on how to support your children whilst ensuring your well-being is taken care of. Together we will,

establish how to co-parent effectively preserving your energy and sanity
work towards your dreams and aspirations
Find ways to deeply connect with your children so they thrive in their lives. I may be correct to assume that you have already been working really hard to ‘love more’, ‘commit more’, ‘do more’ hoping that things would change. Let’s channel all those skills, strengths and commitments you already have to create a thriving life for you and your children. Your situation is individual however, there are common themes we can work with.

⬜ You have left the relationship and we are co-parenting

⬜ You are going through a very difficult divorce process right now and childcare arrangements are still being decided

⬜ You are still in the relationship with the partner and parenting together

⬜ You have left and the other parent doesn’t want anything to do with the child/children

It may seem like an impossible dream now. After all these years of experiencing gaslighting, minimalisation, confusion and isolation that have left you depressed, anxious and in some cases with severe PTSD, you may be thinking, “I can’t do this”. Please don’t write yourself off too soon love. There’s a great life ahead of you despite your current or past experience of narcissism. At one point, whilst going through severe Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder, I had written off my life too. I decided to rise from the ashes when I looked in to my daughter’s eyes. At the time, I thought, “I owe it to her”. Now, I am living my life for me. It is totally worth it. I am not going to lie to you. It does take some time. However, I won’t mislead you with the famous quote ‘time heals’ either. Time does not heal nor it solves the challenge in your hand, at least not until your children turn 18 and the court can no longer force co-parenting on you. So, how are we going to do it then? It all starts with you. Get to know yourself better
Get to know your narcissistic partner and their game better
Get to know your children better
Learn your patterns
Learn your core beliefs
Learn new skills
Set goals to change behaviour
Set goals to help your children
Set goals to go for your aspirations

Do all the above with the support of your Coach/Therapist whilst being in a trusted, nurturing community. You know you are healing when you,

can keep your calm despite the narcissist’s behaviour
Can keep and not respond to the narcissist’s provocative emails, texts ore phone calls
Can recognize the tolls narcissist’s behaviour had on children when they come back from their home
Can support children to process this toll before or when they act out through other behaviours
Can keep your calm when enablers (flying monkeys and pollyannas) try to bring you down or invalidate your experience
Can keep a straight face even if you still feel scared or triggered by the narcissist’s presence
Can recognize and accept that children have their own journeys to go through too. And last but not least,

Live your best life regardless of narcissist’s behaviour towards you

You may find it difficult to believe it, but the pain you are experiencing right now is a necessary step to growth. I am Nisanka and I am here to help you ride this tumultuous journey together with courage, healing and self-love; three ingredients that will give your children a sure start in their lives. My biggest reason for doing this is that I was that child who got caught up between two narcissistic parents during their very abusive relationship. Needless to say that I ended up in a similar relationship except for the fact that it felt like a dream to begin with. By the time I realised that the dream is actually a nightmare, I was severely depressed with suicidality. I am living my best life at the moment thanks to the healing journey I have been on. The relationship I have with my daughter is such a magical experience. My relationship with my daughter is a reflection of the connection I built with myself as a result of the healing journey I have been on. Let me help you use all that experience, knowledge, professional expertise and the empathy and compassion to help you create the best life you deserve. Here’s another way of me saying this. Imagine us two as two friends, having a cup of tea on a sunny day in your lounge and you have just shared your experience with me. After listening to you patiently, you would ask me for advice. With your permission to give you advice, I would say to you “I love you so much to watch you go through this pain. I am going to be with you every step of the way holding your hand and putting a blanket over you when you feel tired and lying on this couch. You have every right to be happy. So, don’t let a f**ked up human being f**k your life and your children’s life. You are worth a lot more than that”. You may like that advice or you may not. It is up to you to decide. One of the ways I dealt with my grief was to write poems. Here are a few of them. It takes you through the journey that I have been on from the moment of my pain to healing. Then,

I was in a Tango with my loneliness

Torrent of tears streaming down the cheeks
Too much pain trapped in a swirling sigh
Emptiness reigned the kingdom of sorrow
I was in a Tango with me and my loneliness

Happiness is a mirage deceiving me on the desert
I felt it was me who lost the direction to oasis
Lost in a cave with no light in sight
I was too numb to realise that my soul had evanesced

Doves never came to collect my letter
Pen never had ink in its cylinder
Mind never gathered the thoughts in order
How did I get here often I wondered

Go ahead! Because,

Go ahead and spread the lies! Because you have just met your tribe. Go ahead and stamp your feet! Because the lyrics to that beat will be mine. Go ahead and poison me now! Because I can rise from my death high. Go ahead and launch that war! Because my army is called fortitude and joy. Go ahead and take all the pennies! Because I’ve got the wisdom that’s divine. Go ahead and cause me pain! Because the healing will be mine. You can read more about me

https://www.coachingwithnisanka.com/aboutme-1

There are several ways I can help you. Step 01:

Download the self-care toolkit for free

https://www.coachingwithnisanka.com/self-caretoolkit

Join in with the Parenting Q & A for free

https://www.coachingwithnisanka.com/parenting101

Download this easy tool to reduce your anxiety for free

https://www.coachingwithnisanka.com/reducestressandanxiety

Download the e-book that helps you with general parenting tips for free

https://www.coachingwithnisanka.com/sixstepsebook

Step 02

Join the membership

Step 03

Book a chat to discover more about 1-2-1 programme

https://www.coachingwithnisanka.com/service-page/connection-chat

18/03/2025

Final Call:-

Just a quick note to let you know that Wednesday the 19th of March at 4pm GMT, I'm hosting a FREE workshop on Co-Parenting With A Narcissist 101.

This is my signature workshop. If you have already attended this and would like a refresher, please go ahead and book it. There's always something new.

One of my biggest frustrations for my clients when co-parenting is that they cannot co-parent with someone who is rigid, vindictive, living in a victim mindset, entitled and lacks empathy.

I have been there and I got the T-shirt!

I have experienced every bit of emotion you are experiencing right now. Confusion, self-doubt, anger, disappointment, grief, rumination, helplessness, fear of losing my child, anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, and severe depression.

I was angry, isolated, and feared losing my child.

But, at one point in my healing journey I decided to get strategic and everything changed from there.

The workshop will walk you through my 3-part strategy.

Co-parenting Strategy, Deeper Connection With Your Children and Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse.

Your work as a solid parent is more important to your children than ever.

And, in full disclosure I also hope that it might inspire you to book my upcoming group programme.

The call is 90 minutes long and there will be around 50-60 minutes of teaching and then ample space for questions about my approach.

Please note I will not be making a lengthy sales pitch about the program (it's not how I roll), but I will take questions about it if you have them.

To register your spot, simply click the link below.
https://www.coachingwithnisanka.com/free-resources/coparenting-with-a-narcissist-workshop

05/03/2025

Just a quick note to let you know that Wednesday the 19th of March at 4pm GMT, I'm hosting a FREE workshop on Co-Parenting With A Narcissist 101.

This is my signature workshop. If you have already attended this and would like a refresher, please go ahead and book it. There's always something new.

One of my biggest frustrations for my clients when co-parenting is that they cannot co-parent with someone who is rigid, vindictive, living in a victim mindset, entitled and lacks empathy.

I have been there and I got the T-shirt!

I have experienced every bit of emotion you are experiencing right now. Confusion, self-doubt, anger, disappointment, grief, rumination, helplessness, fear of losing my child, anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, and severe depression.

I was angry, isolated, and feared losing my child.

But, at one point in my healing journey I decided to get strategic and everything changed from there.

The workshop will walk you through my 3-part strategy.

Co-parenting Strategy, Deeper Connection With Your Children and Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse.

Your work as a solid parent is more important to your children than ever.

And, in full disclosure I also hope that it might inspire you to book my upcoming group programme.

The call is 90 minutes long and there will be around 50-60 minutes of teaching and then ample space for questions about my approach.

Please note I will not be making a lengthy sales pitch about the program (it's not how I roll), but I will take questions about it if you have them.

To register your spot, simply click the link below.
https://www.coachingwithnisanka.com/free-resources/coparenting-with-a-narcissist-workshop

10/01/2025

It’s time to make choices that honour your worth and protect your peace. Here are seven powerful resolutions to help you steer clear of abusive behaviours in 2025 and beyond:

Respect Yourself, Fully:
You’re not broken, and you don’t need “fixing.” Learn to see yourself as whole—worthy of love, respect, and dignity. Growth is about reclaiming the parts of you that were pushed aside to survive toxic relationships. Start treating yourself with kindness and respect.

Set and Communicate Boundaries:
Your space—both emotional and physical—is yours to define. Be clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not. It’s not just about having boundaries; it’s about communicating them clearly and standing by them.

Zero Tolerance for Abuse:
Recognise abusive behaviours and commit to putting an end to them immediately. Whether that means walking away, cutting ties, or seeking outside help, you get to decide what action feels right for your safety. A no-abuse policy for your life is a must.

Learn to Be Assertive:
Assertiveness isn’t about aggression. It’s about confidently standing up for yourself while staying calm and respectful. When you know your boundaries and respect yourself, assertiveness comes naturally.

Get to Know You:
Living with abusive or narcissistic people often means losing touch with your true self. Take time to rediscover who you are—your preferences, your values, and what brings you joy. Reclaiming this connection gives you the power to make healthier choices.

Model the Love You Want:
Want kindness, empathy, and respect from others? Start by giving these things to yourself. You set the standard for how others should treat you. And if you have kids, remember—they learn from what you do, not what you say. Lead by example.

No Second Chances for Abuse:
Abuse is a choice—and the abuser must be held accountable. Giving “just one more chance” only pulls you further into the cycle. Prioritise your well-being by sticking to a zero-tolerance policy.
Your decision to start practising even one of these resolutions today will make a difference. Small steps lead to big transformations. You’ve got this.

If you’re ready to take your healing to the next level, join my ongoing coaching programme—designed to help you break free, rebuild confidence, and create the life you deserve.

Comment HEAL and I’ll send you the registration from with a 25% discount!

06/01/2025

January is often called the biggest divorce month, and it’s no surprise why. The start of a new year pushes people to reflect, make changes, and move forward.

For those co-parenting with a narcissistic ex, the challenges of starting anew while prioritising your kids’ well-being can feel overwhelming. Remember, every small step you take towards creating a peaceful environment for yourself and your children is a step forward. Growth doesn’t have to be perfect; it just needs to happen.

You’ve got this. 💙

19/12/2024

Let’s talk about boundaries.

When dealing with a narcissistic co-parent, boundaries aren’t just helpful—they’re necessary. Without them, you’ll constantly find yourself sucked into their chaos, manipulation, and control.

Here’s why boundaries matter and how they protect you:

Boundaries Reduce the Chaos
Narcissists thrive on creating confusion. They may push last-minute changes, guilt-trip you, or manipulate the children. Boundaries allow you to stick to your plan and disengage when they try to disrupt it.

Boundaries Help You Maintain Control
You can’t control a narcissistic co-parent’s behaviour, but you can control how you respond. Boundaries give you the space to respond calmly rather than react emotionally.

Boundaries Protect Your Emotional Health
Every interaction doesn’t have to drain you. Limiting contact, keeping communication brief, and focusing only on what’s necessary protects your mental well-being.

Boundaries Show Your Children Stability
Narcissistic co-parents may create chaos in your child’s life, but when they see you holding firm and calm, you become their safe, stable foundation.

Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries
Communicate through email or parenting apps. Avoid phone calls or face-to-face conversations where they can bait you.
Stick to your parenting plan. Don’t adjust to their demands last minute.
Use the “BIFF” method for communication: Be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
Avoid explaining or justifying yourself—narcissists use explanations as opportunities to twist or argue.
Lastly: boundaries are not about getting them to change. They’re about protecting your energy and emotional peace.

Set them. Reinforce them. And don’t feel guilty for choosing calm over chaos.

What boundaries have helped you the most when co-parenting with a narcissist? Let’s support each other—drop yours below.

18/12/2024

Why Healing After Narcissistic Abuse Feels Like A Rollercoaster

Healing after a relationship with a narcissist is messy, overwhelming, and far from linear. One day you feel strong and grounded, the next you’re blindsided by triggers that pull you right back to square one.

It’s important to know that this is normal—but let’s break down why.

Cognitive Dissonance
You fell in love with the “idealised version” of the narcissist. The person they pretended to be was charming, loving, and everything you thought you wanted. Reconciling that with their hurtful, abusive behaviour creates deep confusion and conflict.

You Were Conditioned
Over time, narcissistic abuse rewires your nervous system. You became hyper-aware of their moods, their behaviours, and their punishments. Even after leaving, this conditioning means your body and mind are still on high alert.

The Trauma Bond
Yes, you still miss them—and that’s okay. The cycle of highs and lows, love-bombing followed by devaluation, creates a powerful bond that takes time to break.

Self-Blame Runs Deep
Narcissists blame you for everything, and you may have internalised that narrative. "Was I difficult? Did I make mistakes?" Healing involves unlearning their voice and rediscovering your own.

Grief for What Wasn’t Real
You’re mourning the relationship you thought you had—the “future” they painted, the promises that never materialised.

So how do you navigate the ups and downs of healing?

1. Practice radical self-compassion. Healing is not linear, and that’s okay.
2. Know that relapses don’t mean failure; they’re part of the process.
3. Learn to reconnect with yourself: your needs, your voice, your boundaries.
4. Be patient with your nervous system as you rebuild safety within yourself.

Most importantly: healing feels like chaos before it feels like clarity. Stay the course.
Every time you choose yourself, you are rewriting your story—and that is the most powerful healing of all.

17/12/2024

Christmas is nearly here, and for many, this time of year magnifies emotions like loneliness and grief. If you’re feeling triggered, overwhelmed, or simply “off,” I want you to take a deep breath, maybe do some EFT tapping, and offer yourself compassion.

Let’s talk about grief.

"Accepting the demise of the shared fantasy is one of the most traumatic imaginable human experiences" - Prof. Sam Vaknin

Grief after narcissistic abuse is unlike any other type of grief. It’s deep. It’s long-term. It surfaces during moments like Christmas, where family and connection are in the spotlight, and it can feel isolating—even when surrounded by loving people.

This grief feels so unique because the relationship itself was unlike any other. Narcissistic relationships operate through a shared fantasy that you come to internalise:

"You’re lazy."
"You’re crazy."
"You’re the love of my life."
"You’re my soulmate."
"You’re a terrible parent."
It’s not just the hurtful words. You internalised both the idealised version of you that they created and the destructive one. Why? Because for the narcissist, everything is black and white—good or bad, love or discard.

So what grief might you be experiencing?

Grieving that you share a child with the narcissist.
Watching your children experience trauma or confusion.
Longing for a loving, trustworthy family unit.
Mourning the lost years you gave to a fantasy.
The pain of ambiguous loss: grieving something that wasn’t real but felt so real.
Losing your idealised self: the version of you they built up, that you fell in love with.
This kind of grief runs deep, but it’s important to recognise it for what it is: a process that honours the truth of your experience.

Take time for yourself this season. Feel it. Give yourself permission to grieve—and remember: healing this grief brings you back to your real self. You’ve been carrying this weight for so long, and you are more than strong enough to let it go, one layer at a time.

Does this resonate with you? You’re not alone. Let me know how you’re supporting yourself this season.

13/12/2024

Parenting with a narcissist can feel overwhelming, but it’s possible to protect your well-being and help your children thrive.

Start by understanding narcissistic and domestic abuse—knowledge is power. Learn how to navigate tactics like gaslighting and manipulation, and begin healing from your trauma.

With the right support from professionals who understand this dynamic, even navigating the complexities of family court becomes manageable.

It’s normal to feel paralysed by fear of their reactions, but remember: you don’t have to do this alone. Asking for help is a powerful first step.

06/12/2024

I bet one thing that every single parent enjoys doing is to watch their children sleep peacefully. It's a moment of peace, gratitude and in all fairness a relief.

I still do that even though my daughter is 11. We spend time together before she goes to sleep and I tend to stay until she falls asleep. At that moment, I feel nothing but gratitude for the life I have created for both of us.

Most solid parents who co-parent with a narcissist know the grief they experience about wishing their children's childhood to vanish soon so that they don't have to co-parent. But, equally they regret and feel guilty about the same thought. I am no different.

Most of us lose our ability to enjoy being a parent with our children because our energy is spent on dealing with unnecessary conflicts and feeling anxious about if our children are safe. It doesn't end there. We end up having to deal with children's outbursts when they return from the narcissist's house. Because children suppress their emotions to appease the narcissistic parent and when they return to the safer parent, they release that energy.

Fatigue and exhaustion is so real that sometimes, we forget that parenthood is enjoyable.

I am sending so much love to you.

I have been there. I know the uphill battle.

But, when you do the healing work and learn how to deal with narcissistic people, you can create that joy back in your life. A deeper connection with your children makes it possible.

So, invest your energy in a healing process and go deeper with yourself and your children.

Narcissistic people will continue to create chaos in your life, but you will stand tall and calm enjoying the peace you have created.

It may seem like an impossible dream but it is possible.

If you're parenting with a narcissistic partner or know someone who is, don't forget to check out our FREE community healing session every month!
Link in bio to join us and start your healing journey!

03/12/2024

Many believe narcissists follow a uniform "playbook," but when it comes to child custody battles, it's crucial to profile the specific narcissist you're dealing with. While it's true that narcissists often use similar abusive tactics, their behaviour can vary significantly based on personal history and individual quirks.

Profiling the narcissist you're up against can make a huge difference. Understanding their background, triggers, and patterns of behaviour provides critical insight into how to handle them effectively. It’s essential to know who you’re dealing with on a deeper level to strategise properly.

Generalising that “all narcissists are the same” can be misleading and counterproductive. Just as you wouldn't enter any battle without understanding your opponent's strengths and weaknesses, you shouldn’t approach a custody battle without thoroughly profiling the narcissist in your case. This tailored approach helps in anticipating their moves and preparing your responses.

If you’re finding it challenging to get into a strategic mindset amidst the chaos, remember that gaining a deeper understanding of the narcissist’s tactics can shift the dynamics in your favour. By studying their behaviour and personal history, you can better navigate the complexities of the court system and make more informed decisions.

For guidance on how to profile a narcissist effectively in a child custody battle, consider exploring resources or courses designed to provide detailed strategies and insights. Being prepared and informed can be your strongest assets in these challenging situations.

For more help and support, please visit www.coachingwithnisanka.com to reach out to me.

Address

Marine House, 151, Western Road, West
Haywards Heath
RH163LH

Telephone

+447512312984

Website

http://www.coachingwithnisanka.com/

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