06/08/2026
I’m reposting this powerful piece from PDA Parenting because I know it will resonate deeply with so many of the parents and carers I support.
Parenting approaches informed by PDA are often judged by what people can see from the outside - particularly during a child’s most distressed moments. But reduced demands, flexibility and collaboration are not about permissive parenting or avoiding boundaries. They are about understanding the fear, overwhelm and need for safety beneath the behaviour.
Progress cannot always be measured by whether the distress has disappeared. Sometimes it is found in a shorter recovery, a repaired relationship, a boundary held without escalating fear, or a family making it through an exceptionally difficult day together.
A child continuing to struggle does not mean the approach - or the parent - has failed. Sometimes the understanding, trust and adaptations being criticised are precisely what are keeping that child and family going. ❤️
“This choice of parenting clearly isn’t working. They’re still violent and controlling.”
Yesterday, at one of my lowest points, those words left me unable to answer.
Because from the outside, I understand how it can look.
People see the explosions.
The need for control.
The damage.
The days where everything still falls apart.
What they don’t see is what it might look like without the understanding, flexibility and trust we have spent years building.
PDA parenting was never a promise that my child would suddenly become calm, compliant or easy to live with.
It doesn’t remove disability, distress, trauma, overwhelm or a nervous system that can still move into survival mode.
It means I understand that the behaviour is telling me something.
It means I try to reduce the fear underneath it rather than adding more fear on top.
It means repairing after the hardest moments, holding necessary boundaries as safely as I can, and continuing to look for the unmet need without pretending the impact on everyone else doesn’t matter.
Some days, “working” looks like fewer incidents.
Other days, it looks like recovery taking hours instead of days. An apology that couldn’t have happened before. A small moment of trust after everything has unravelled.
And sometimes it simply looks like all of us getting through the day.
Being told it isn’t working because my child is still struggling is heartbreaking.
She is not a strategy that has failed. I’m not choosing an easy route — traditional parenting made it worse not better. It’s not that I can’t take advice or guidance, but there is a reason why I’ve adapted to this the way that I have.
And I am not a failed parent because our hardest moments are still hard.
Please don’t judge a family’s progress only by what you can see during their worst moment.
You may be looking at the reason they are still standing. ❤️
