30/03/2022
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I worry I am too broken to have a good life
The Dilemma:
Hello,
I am a bit lost at the moment and life, feels rubbish, I think it’s because have experienced a lot of trauma and abusive events in my life and this has affected my confidence, my motivation and my ability to meet someone. Can someone be too broken to have a good life, to feel good and to have a satisfying relationship? I worry always that whoever I meet will just see my brokenness and not be interested, am I destined to a life of misery??
Grace
My Reply:
Dear Grace,
Thanks for writing in and I am sorry that life feels so difficult and unfulfilling for you at the moment.
Your questions are complex and I hope that my answer helps you. From my experience of life and working with people who have experienced disturbing and traumatic events, it makes sense to feel broken, something very special within has been hurt, damaged, abused and violated and these experiences have a lasting impact. Now whilst it is true that harsh experiences can cause damage and even break our spirits, it is also true that we can repair and heal from them. It sounds like you have been struggling for some time with all of this and I wonder if talking to someone like a therapist might be useful to help you make sense of your experiences and explore all of the options and choices you have in your life. We all have a certain amount of life and resource available to us and for a variety of reasons (often following trauma) we create a safety zone, which we don’t step out of and this restricts us from taking advantage of all that is available to us. Perhaps you need some help with managing the anxiety and fear that stepping into life in a richer and fuller way evokes within you. Once we have started to process your experiences you will really see just how much knowledge and wisdom lies within your vulnerabilities and you can then begin to use these as a way of drawing strength and guidance in times of adversity. This will also help you to be more authentic and to connect with others, showing the world that not only you have survived these awful experiences but that you can thrive and use all the learning gained from these experiences to have a good life.
In Japan they have a form of art called Kintsugi which involves mending broken pottery by putting all the pieces back together with gold. The gold highlights the flaws and vulnerabilities which acts as a metaphor for life with the message that you can only reach your full potential by fully experiencing tough times and learning from these. The gold also puts together all the pieces again making the overall structure of the vessel even stronger than before. Therefore making our vulnerabilities visibly strong and beautiful. Hiding away from the world and not showing yourself to others is what will sustain this unsatisfying life.
Take some action which will hopefully allow you to live life in a richer and fuller way.
Warmest wishes,
Sam
